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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't be, surely?

116 replies

ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 15:47

Normally I would consider this question to have an obvious answer, but wanted to make totally sure by asking an AIBU. Thank you in advance for any input.

Married 2 years. I am currently employed earning around £35k. Husband unemployed but has savings of around £225,000. Separate finances since marriage started to go downhill. I have savings of about £25k. We are mid-20s.

He's having various problems at the moment and accuses me of 'squirreling away' my wages. We've been on the brink of divorce for a while. He thinks that if I were a good wife, I would have offered to pay for his counselling (depression from unemployment etc) as he doesn't have an income.

WTF? He's got hundreds of thousands?! Why should I be the cash cow?

If this were a happy marriage, then yes, we would have joint finances and I would therefore be paying, theoretically, 50:50 for his therapy. Is he not squirreling away his money by not spending it and looking at me to bankroll him instead?

His justification is that I have an income, and he doesn't. I thought interest could be deemed an income though, hmm!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:53

I realise a lot of posters have said this marriage is awfully rooted in money. It never used to be. Surely it's quite understandable that once things start to deteriorate, people then start to get careful and possessive over money?

The business with the inherited house, I'm sorry, gets more complicated. The house was fixed and sold before we got married. In essence, he had a year and a half to either have put my name on the deeds or put my name on his bank account which held the sale money (from the house) and it was excuse after excuse after excuse.

Not that it matters and it is a silly point, but even as BF and GF he, without any prompting or mention from me, said he'd put me in his will as sole beneficiary...

He still doesn't have a will.

OP posts:
fififrog · 12/03/2013 16:53

mabong it's great you guys were able to adjust so easily but not everyone is like that. For years DH and I reimbursed each other for stuff, and slowly slowly moved to joint finances. Totally agree once everything is fair square, in joint accounts etc, it makes everything so much easier and I am much less stressed about money naowadays. But it can be a hard mountain to climb, perhaps the last piece of your independence.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 16:55

I can see the OP's reasoning.

He said that they would have to live off her income/savings so that his savings could buy them a house. She was fine with this. Then he decided that actually that wont happen, so why is she BU to ask for her money back? It was to save for a home, not so that he didnt have to put his hand in his pocket!

Sounds like he wants to keep every last penny for himself, and expects the OP to fund everything. Do you have proof of the costs of the renovations you saved him?

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 16:56

Actually, OP are you sure he still has this money? He seems to be spending pretty easily, is it perhaps that he has pissed it up the wall? Is there anyway you can check?

mabongwen · 12/03/2013 16:57

he said he said...your a woman you should have known better.

My husband said he would fix the shelf in the bedroom August of 2012, it's still not fixed, and I have no tingling in my spider sense that it is going to get fixed anytime soon, if at all.

Just because "he said" it, doesn't mean he was going to do it.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 16:58

Bogeyface - yes, very well put and summarised! When he said 'I'm returning home' to me, that equalled 'deal's off! No house! No marriage!' so why shouldn't I have retorted 'right! Deal IS off! I'm not paying your way!'

I have photographic evidence and the fact that he blabbed to everyone how much hard work my dad did for him. Even if I didn't get the uplift in value of the house, I'd still like to give my dad a cheque for the manual labour he did and made sure he took a holiday or something. I don't want that money for myself, I want it so I can make it up to my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:00

mabongwen - yes, I was naive. I was also 22. Trust me, I shan't be making the same mistake again.

He's definitely still got hundreds of thousands. Yes, he can spend it on silly things, but he's a real cheapskate at heart. Even if there's only £100,000 left...I'll still try to reclaim as much as I can.

OP posts:
fififrog · 12/03/2013 17:00

bogey has a good point - given all the stuff he says he has done and hasn't it sounds like there is cause for concern for the 225k! OP I would not expect to see any of it 'back'... From that point it depends how much you want to fight. Really sounds like your relationship is doomed though. :(

MadamFolly · 12/03/2013 17:03

What sort of account is the money in? If its offshore you may not be able to touch it.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:05

fifi - oh, I know it is. He'll never change and the wounds of bickering run deep. There's no plaster big enough to save this disaster.

I'm just waiting on a decent time that's convenient for me to start the trauma of a divorce. He also owes me about £3,000 in rent and utilities. sigh Every time I say, 'umm, since you're not busy right now, can you look over the receipts and confirm that you do owe £3,000 and then transfer me the money?' all I get in response is how I'm pushing him and being antagonistic. Apparently, what I should be doing is allowing him to recover and not be pestering him for money (that he owes).

So, it's a catch 22: urge him to give me the latest £3,000 and be protecting myself against his empty promises; or, still be out of pocket and I feel increasing resentment towards him, definitely scuppering any remote chance of reconciliation.

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mabongwen · 12/03/2013 17:06

Thunder in all honesty I would brace yourself for the worst sadly Sad and chalk it all up to experience. By the sounds of things you got rather swept up in a young romance that has soured. I understand your need and want for some money back, but with it all locked in a offshore account in his name its not likely. It is sad when marriages break down, I have no idea if mine will work till 'death do us part' nobody does. But I think form this you can take a valuable life lesson to perhaps not be as trusting of those around us when it comes to money without true legal backing and equal names on paperwork.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:07

Madam - it's in an American one. Lawyers think the argument about the work my dad did for the house is strong. Haven't explicitly asked about taking him for half regardless. Before I got this wound up, I never wanted half. Instead, I only wanted what I "deserved".

Now though, fuck him. I'm taking him for everything I can get. He has ruined the last 2 years of my life (which, coincidentally, has been the first 2 years of my career). I've spent hours at work dealing with his angry or emotionally blackmailing texts. Frankly, my parents deserve any money of his I may or may not be awarded.

OP posts:
EuroShaggleton · 12/03/2013 17:07

You won't get 50% on a short marriage with no children, btw (to a poster on the presious page).

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:09

mabong - I know, I know. Thanks for the support though. I just steady myself with the consolation that, well, at least I'm still young, love my job and we have no children together.

Such is life, I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:09

Euro - do you have legal experience at all? I am relying on e-mails he has written saying how it is his intention that I have 50:50 legal ownership on whatever is his. They were written in the run up to our wedding.

OP posts:
mabongwen · 12/03/2013 17:12

Thunder yes take the positives from this. You are 25 young with a budding career. The world is your oyster. Money comes money goes, happiness is priceless and that's what you need.

But yeah fight for the pet, sounds cool whatever it is :P

Lancelottie · 12/03/2013 17:19

You know, I'd just head out without looking for the money.

Count it as a sort of dry run for parenthood -- you do the work, you pay the bills, and the little sods still argue that you're the meanest mummy in the world because you aren't funding their Ugg boots/electric guitar/pony habit.

Original poster
ThunderInMyHeart · 12/03/2013 17:22

Ha ha! Yeah, I know what you mean. some days I just think, 'oh ffs. This is ridiculous and not worth my time. I just want to be OUT and away from such an emotionally and financially draining man'

It's so exasperating and I'm actually glad you brought up the job side of things. The other week he text saying 'I love you etc etc etc bit of emotional blackmail thrown in' and then got shouty and said I should have replied. Well, I was at work, and it's not the kind of job where you can be sat around texting all day. I then said 'er, sorry, but I was at work!' and he responded with, 'oh yeah, you and your big job!'

Suffice to say, the job he can't get is the one that I currently have. Different companies, but exact same job title and career path.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 12/03/2013 21:22

Actually, I don't think you should get half of his inheritance, not morally.

You shouldn't be out of pocket, for sure. So he should reimburse half of the costs you met last year. And something for your father's labour (but not £50k - that would include materials and profit, as well as labour).

2 year marriage, no kids, wealth exclusively from his family, with you working and him suffering from depression? Nah.

If a properly drawn up, signed and witnessed pre-nup isn't legally binding I can't for the life of me see why his past emails to you would count for anything.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/03/2013 21:56

If you go after his pre marital assets could he go after a pay off for your pension etc?

Agree with cinnabar that the £50k is an overestimate. I think you should get some legal advice because you may find that when all is said and done you don't get that much and it is eaten by legal fees

Bitter divorce battles only have one winner - the lawyers.

Corygal · 12/03/2013 22:01

He's 25 and moping? Hmmm, well that would be fine if he was nice in other ways. But he ain't, is he.

fififrog · 12/03/2013 22:07

Can you at least kick him out so that he isn't costing you anything losing sympathy for the man whilst trying to remember he's depressed

Corygal · 12/03/2013 22:09

You won't get half his money. Divorce law is not about who deserves what - there's no morality or ethics in it.

Inheritances can have special status - ie they can be left out of the pot - in divorce anyway. And you're both v young, the marriage has been brief, and your career has not suffered, rather the reverse. He'll keep it.

Try and get a settlement for your Dad tho - the judge might see it your way.

fififrog · 12/03/2013 22:09

Oh and you could repossess that £400 garment (and give it to your koala to chew)

mummymeister · 12/03/2013 22:19

if you have decided that you are going to end this marriage then the right time to do it is right now. You have no kids to consider and the longer you stay in this relationship the more baggage will be dumped upon you and it will take longer to come out of the other side of it.Who gives a monkey about the money. Let the courts sort it out. Walk away, set yourself up somewhere else and start the process of re-building your life. The longer you stay the more bitter and nasty you will become and then when you do walk away this will be the type of person that you will have become.