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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my partner should support me?

91 replies

Costypop · 12/03/2013 11:59

Hello a newbie here and after some advice. I have a ds who I had with a pervious partner. Broke up moved on, started life as a single mum. Met a new fella all good then I become ill, so had ssp at work. I was on housing benefit, wtc etc as a single mum. Anyways due to me being ill new dp was adamant that I moved in with him, into his mortgaged house. We talked about money, I told him that if I moved in with him my benefits would stop as we would be a proper family. No problem he said, I love you, want to marry you, etc. Now however he's gone back on everything he said money wise. Said he would not support me and ds, I don't expect anything other then basic things covered, I don't expect to have any free money, but I am unable to currently work and my ex work have refused to pay me ssp now( whole other post) so I have £70 per week coming in and of course I have outgoings. I am trying my hardest to think "well" and trying to be positive but now I'm stuck with no money at all, dp only gets himself food shopping, etc so it's pretty much like we are living apart money wise under the same roof, although I'm now left with no income. Ex-p isn't currently paying maintenance-going though CSA. I sold everything to move in with dp so now own pretty much nothing, I've had to take my car off the road as I can't afford to run it currently. But dp has just spent £12,000 cash on a new car and is living the life of luxury while I can't to go food shopping.

Am I right to feel pissed off him? If I had stayed in my place things would be tight but I'd still have money. My friends have said he had done me over big time, and that he should support ESP as it was his wish for me to move in with him. He's a high earner by the way. It's not as if I didn't say anything before I moved in. In all other ways he is lovely and still says I want to marry you

Aibu to think he should support me?

OP posts:
Costypop · 12/03/2013 12:00

Sorry it's long, didn't want to dip feed

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 12/03/2013 12:03

Let me get this straight. He just paid cash for a £12,000 car, but refuses to buy you and your son food????

I'm really sorry but I don't think he does actually love you. If you want to marry someone, usually you want to make sure they have enough to eat!

I know it will be a hard slog but I think you need to move out again and go back on benefits and everything you had before. Listen to your friends.

Costypop · 12/03/2013 12:13

That's pretty much it!

OP posts:
Costypop · 12/03/2013 12:16

But as soon as able to work I'll have my own money again? That's his argument. But do I throw it in, in the mean time?

He also says he wants children with me, just got me worrying about maternity leave and things like that. I feel I can no longer trust him

OP posts:
Hopasholic · 12/03/2013 12:26

If you have a baby with him, you'll end up having two Ex'ptnrs who are not giving you any child support. Do not have a baby with this man. What happens when you're on mat leave? Hes's going to tuck into his dinner while you and two kids watch him. Alarm bells are ringing. Read through your post again and think about what advice you'd give to someone in your situation. He is being an areshole.

dreamingbohemian · 12/03/2013 12:28

I don't think you should trust him.

It's not like he's refusing to buy you luxuries -- he won't buy you food. That's just ridiculous.

Do not have a child with him! If he won't buy food for a child under his own roof, what do you think he would do if you split?

Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. This is not the act of a kind man who loves you.

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2013 12:29

Get away from this wanker.

Pandemoniaa · 12/03/2013 12:30

If he loved you enough to get married and have children then he'd love you enough to buy the sodding food! Sorry, but you've got a wrong 'un there, OP.

AllThatGlistens · 12/03/2013 12:30

Oh wow Sad

Massive red flags here OP, are you seriously saying he knows you have no/very little income and is only buying food for himself?? And you think this is ok because you'll soon be back in work??

Leave, and leave soon, this man is no good for you or your child.

eavesdropping · 12/03/2013 12:31

Is this serious? You live with your partner, but he doesn't buy food for you or your DS? What do you eat?

Of course YANBU for expecting him to support you.

DO NOT have a child with this man. DO NOT marry him. LTB.

Dannilion · 12/03/2013 12:31

Leave him. Please.

I don't even know you, but if you were my neighbour there's no way on earth I'd let you or your child go hungry and I don't think any other decent person would either. This bloke is supposed to love you?

He sounds like an abusive cunt. And I hate that word.

Snoopingforsoup · 12/03/2013 12:32

Oh my God. The man is just an abusive nightmare.
I have no idea what his motives or thinking were in this process, but your friends are right, he has completely done you over.
I would think in your position, you need to plan a way out of there and to get back on your own two feet again. This man will continue to make you feel like crap while you are under his roof.
I suggest you start by taking specialist advice from a women's charity such as Refuge. I'd consider his behaviour domestic abuse. Please pick up the phone and speak to them and get the advice you need.

AThingInYourLife · 12/03/2013 12:32

Of course he wants children with you.

Men like this are on the lookout for women they can control and abuse.

If you had his child you'd find it even harder to leave and he still wouldn't give you any money.

He tricked you into making yourself dependent on him before revealing his hand.

shesariver · 12/03/2013 12:33

Do not get pregnant that's all I can say, things will get worse, if that's possible. Please don't think this man loves you because he doesn't. No nice decent man would see their partner short of food. Its shocking and whether you realise it or not he's abusing you.

TheVermiciousKnid · 12/03/2013 12:33

What everybody else said. LTB.

Lucyellensmum95 · 12/03/2013 12:33

Run, run fast - what a vile man He actually leaves you and your DS without food?? Unbelievable - seriously, leave

Owllady · 12/03/2013 12:34

surely this is financial abuse? :(
he wont even feed you and your son. This is not the normal behaviour of a loving, caring human being

Kyrptonite · 12/03/2013 12:35

Get out now before you end up pregnant. I'm not sure if woman's aid can help in this situation but i would give them a call and see. This is abusive and will only escalate.

Snoopingforsoup · 12/03/2013 12:36

Oh, and if you love someone, you don't let them and their DC starve! He's a bloody muppet and his high income makes this all the worse.
He does not love you! Sorry.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2013 12:38

He's an abusive arse.

Leave him and be more careful about who you and your child live with in future.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 12/03/2013 12:39

Leave him. You and your DS have nothing to lose by doing so. You certainly arent gaining anything from living in this bizarre set up!

CookieLady · 12/03/2013 12:40

Leave and don't look back. The guy is a first class arsehole. FFS he only buys food for himself - none for you and your little one, hardly good father figure quality. The very fact you've posted on here shows you know it's not right.

BegoniaBampot · 12/03/2013 12:41

This really isn't normal behaviour. How can you even want to be with this man?

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 12:42

He has one agenda and that's to control you. Do the right thing for you and your child and leave him.

BalloonSlayer · 12/03/2013 12:43

OMG he tricked you into giving up what you had, he makes you live in poverty and you are still thinking of marrying him?

Please, please leave.

Whatever you do, don't have a baby with him. Then he'll have you right where he wants you - barefoot and pregnant and dependent on any crumbs he deigns to throw your way.

He is abusive.