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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my partner should support me?

91 replies

Costypop · 12/03/2013 11:59

Hello a newbie here and after some advice. I have a ds who I had with a pervious partner. Broke up moved on, started life as a single mum. Met a new fella all good then I become ill, so had ssp at work. I was on housing benefit, wtc etc as a single mum. Anyways due to me being ill new dp was adamant that I moved in with him, into his mortgaged house. We talked about money, I told him that if I moved in with him my benefits would stop as we would be a proper family. No problem he said, I love you, want to marry you, etc. Now however he's gone back on everything he said money wise. Said he would not support me and ds, I don't expect anything other then basic things covered, I don't expect to have any free money, but I am unable to currently work and my ex work have refused to pay me ssp now( whole other post) so I have £70 per week coming in and of course I have outgoings. I am trying my hardest to think "well" and trying to be positive but now I'm stuck with no money at all, dp only gets himself food shopping, etc so it's pretty much like we are living apart money wise under the same roof, although I'm now left with no income. Ex-p isn't currently paying maintenance-going though CSA. I sold everything to move in with dp so now own pretty much nothing, I've had to take my car off the road as I can't afford to run it currently. But dp has just spent £12,000 cash on a new car and is living the life of luxury while I can't to go food shopping.

Am I right to feel pissed off him? If I had stayed in my place things would be tight but I'd still have money. My friends have said he had done me over big time, and that he should support ESP as it was his wish for me to move in with him. He's a high earner by the way. It's not as if I didn't say anything before I moved in. In all other ways he is lovely and still says I want to marry you

Aibu to think he should support me?

OP posts:

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 12/03/2013 14:33

Ok I read the your op with jaw literally hanging open.
I then got to the part where you said he keeps tabs on you to and said out loud what the fuck. [shocked]
It explains why he's not giving you money though, he's a paranoid mess and wants you all to himself the psycho cunt

TuesdayNightDateNight · 12/03/2013 14:40

He sounds utterly vile. However, you say you have £70 a week coming in? I spend a lot less than that on food for my daughter and I in a week.

I'm not by any means saying that he is right and you shouldn't LTB but its still £10 a day...

AdoraBell · 12/03/2013 14:43

He is controlling you, at least in his head. That's the only reason for constantly checking up to see what you are up to. It will only get worse. Contact people who can help, as suggested by wineandroses. He won't give you notice to leave in order to help you get housing, because he wants to own you and he can't fully controll you if you don't live in his house.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 14:43

Thankyou so much for your help.

As far as food goes yes I suppose he just gets his normal amount, although before I moved in he would shop at sainsburys and the fridge would be full, now it's aldi and its only a few days worth at a time. Food for me and son like I said earlier I had £70 a week so I get stuff with that then I had some the stuff I sold but that has now run out so the past two weeks have been tight. Ds has been with his dad this past week as his dad has had holiday from work so he wanted to spend some time with his son. £70 is no where near enough and I've had to go without paying bills, which in turn will catch up with me

OP posts:

MadameOvary · 12/03/2013 14:43

Well done for posting on here. The next step is to ring Women's Aid. Tell them everything, even if you do not consider it relevant. He is very controlling and keeping tabs on you while basically starving you is fucking vile behaviour.

You need to have someone listen to you in Real Life as I suspect that you probably hope he will redeem himself or you hope you are mistaken. He won't and you aren't.

I escaped an abusive situation and later was part of a DV support group. One of the women there described how she had known her partner as a friend for 20 years before they got together. The things she told us about him made our blood run cold. He was clearly a very dangerous man who lied easily and presented an amiable, likeable, well-to-do persona to the world. Like you she was very vulnerable with an illness (alcoholism). So I do understand how you were duped by his lies.

Please, please speak to Women's Aid. They WILL believe you.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 14:45

I mean £70 isn't enough for all my out goings ie, car, phone, school meals, days out, clothes any other daily living items

OP posts:

BegoniaBampot · 12/03/2013 14:46

OP - so what do you do for meals? Do you cook for yourself and your son and does he cook for himself? Do you wash your own dishes and clothes etc because this doesn't sound like a partnership.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 14:52

He generally eats on the go, before it was meals. Housework I'm doing. If I say shall I cook a curry etc for all of us he has to extra work to do from home. Then he will make himself something late at night, turning down my offers of a family meal. So me and ds eat earlier together. Don't get me wrong though sometimes there has been family meals

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2013 14:58

"before I moved in he would shop at sainsburys and the fridge would be full, now it's aldi and its only a few days worth at a time."

So he's actually changed his eating habits, rather than 'share'? What does he say about this when you have raised the matter with him?

Owllady · 12/03/2013 15:02

please move out. This doesn't sound normal at all

valiumredhead · 12/03/2013 15:13

Run, as fast as you can!

AllOverIt · 12/03/2013 15:22

What are you going to do OP?

catsmother · 12/03/2013 15:25

You poor poor thing. This 'man' is financially abusive, and a liar, and controlling. If you have no money you can't go anywhere or do anything can you ? But what also concerns me is that you were completely honest with him up front, explained your situation, described what the financial effects would be and he lured you, tricked you, into moving in with false promises he'd take care of all that until you got back on your feet. The fact that he hasn't isn't some sort of misunderstanding - it's verging on the sadistic. I mean, who in their right mind would splash thousands on a fucking car (if he needed one he could have got a decent enough model for half or even a third of that) while not only his girlfriend but also her son, a child, grubbed about trying to find enough to eat.

I can only echo what others have said and urge you to call Women's Aid NOW - cut your losses, before those losses become even worse. They'll know what to advise you and how to help you get out.

Fucking bastard wanker.

lynniep · 12/03/2013 15:32

This is my very first LTB. Now. Please listen to what everyone else is saying. Do not get trapped further by marrying this man or having any children with him.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 17:06

I spoke too my mum about everything, she's knows things aren't great but not too the scale that they are. Well she's coming over to talk to him and im leaving, either to move in mums for a short bit or down the shelter/council route. But the next few days are going to be rocky

OP posts:

Owllady · 12/03/2013 17:10

well done for telling someone

HeySoulSister · 12/03/2013 17:11

Good luck!!

Your mum doesn't need to talk to him tho... Just help you pack and leave. Don't look back!

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 17:15

Think it's going to be more of a bullocking then a talk to be honest

OP posts:

Owllady · 12/03/2013 17:19

are you going to go with her tonight?

Lorelei353 · 12/03/2013 17:21

Please stay safe. It's great that your mum's coming to help - even if she stays silent, you may need someone with you to diffuse the situation and just make sure he doesn't talk you into staying. Stay strong but please, stay safe.

searching4serenity · 12/03/2013 17:22

Please leave - you can have a better life than this!

I promise you won't regret it. Nothing is worse than someone treating you like this.

WestieMamma · 12/03/2013 17:26

He doesn't love you. I was in a similar position and my new partner (now husband) has fully supported both me and my daughter for the past 12 years. It makes me very sad to hear what you're putting up with.

Pandemoniaa · 12/03/2013 17:30

Glad you've told your mum. Can she be with you when you pack and leave? Only I don't like the idea of you attempting to get away alone.

catsmother · 12/03/2013 17:41

Well done you .... am so pleased you've spoken to your mum and she's on side. I know things aren't going to be easy straight away but it's far far easier psychologically to deal with problems and difficulties on your own than to remain in a troubled situation and still have all that crap to deal with due to someone else's nastiness.

PureQuintessence · 12/03/2013 17:52

Well done for speaking to your mum.

Can you also manage to ring WA before he gets back from work?

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