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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my partner should support me?

91 replies

Costypop · 12/03/2013 11:59

Hello a newbie here and after some advice. I have a ds who I had with a pervious partner. Broke up moved on, started life as a single mum. Met a new fella all good then I become ill, so had ssp at work. I was on housing benefit, wtc etc as a single mum. Anyways due to me being ill new dp was adamant that I moved in with him, into his mortgaged house. We talked about money, I told him that if I moved in with him my benefits would stop as we would be a proper family. No problem he said, I love you, want to marry you, etc. Now however he's gone back on everything he said money wise. Said he would not support me and ds, I don't expect anything other then basic things covered, I don't expect to have any free money, but I am unable to currently work and my ex work have refused to pay me ssp now( whole other post) so I have £70 per week coming in and of course I have outgoings. I am trying my hardest to think "well" and trying to be positive but now I'm stuck with no money at all, dp only gets himself food shopping, etc so it's pretty much like we are living apart money wise under the same roof, although I'm now left with no income. Ex-p isn't currently paying maintenance-going though CSA. I sold everything to move in with dp so now own pretty much nothing, I've had to take my car off the road as I can't afford to run it currently. But dp has just spent £12,000 cash on a new car and is living the life of luxury while I can't to go food shopping.

Am I right to feel pissed off him? If I had stayed in my place things would be tight but I'd still have money. My friends have said he had done me over big time, and that he should support ESP as it was his wish for me to move in with him. He's a high earner by the way. It's not as if I didn't say anything before I moved in. In all other ways he is lovely and still says I want to marry you

Aibu to think he should support me?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 12/03/2013 12:44

I think that when he says "I love you" he is thinking about himself, seriously. Lot's of people think they love a person other than themselves and so say the words, but their actions demonstrate otherwise. No-one who had any genuine feelings for someone would let them go hungry while they had £12 available, never mind £12,000.

Leave him, chalk it up to experience and do not sell your things to move in with someone again. I know a woman, overseas, who sold her house, trusted new man to sort out storage for her furniture, married him, put her moeny into the new house and was then left with nothing when he moved on. The storage facility was robbed, apparently and the house was in his name only. And he said he loved her with all his heart.

Can you really tolerate someone who believes your DC should go hungry if you don't have cash?

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 12:46

Christ on a bike get away from this disgusting man! I am not often shocked by relationship stuff with the ex I had but THIS?

My arse does he love you. He is acting like he HATES really isn't he?

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 12:50

worra did you miss the part where he was adamant that she move in and assured her he would support her? How much more careful could she have been? We all take Leaps of faith in relationships, we have to or no one would ever get married or shack up with anyone. There's quite a few threads on here where women are advised to trust and not let their past interfere with their present. This man has done a complete arseholish about face. What carefulness could have prevented that?

OhCobblers · 12/03/2013 12:56

I am very sorry you have found yourself in this awful situation and I can't believe you need to ask but Get out of this relationship NOW.
For yours and your sons sake.
Do NOT think twice, LEAVE.

wineandroses · 12/03/2013 12:58

It's one thing to move in to your DP's house, it's quite another to sell your furniture, lose your benefits, have no sick-pay or income, ie be absolutely and totally dependent on someone that you've never lived with before. I get that the Op took a leap of faith, but jesus, that's a leap too far for me, especially when there is a child involved.

Op, I agree with everyone else on this thread. You need an exit plan. Contact Women's Aid, the CAB, and the benefits office to see what your options are. And chase up the CSA re ex's maintenance.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2013 12:58

Well perhaps I read the OP wrong akaemmafrost but I read it as though she didn't know this 'new DP' very long before she moved in with him.

However now I've read it again, perhaps she was using the word 'new' to differentiate between him and the ex?

LadyPessaryPam · 12/03/2013 13:03

Costypop run away and then run some more. Your 'D'P is not behaving fairly or indeed normally.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 13:04

Well admittedly I wouldn't do it but he does sound very persuasive and often it takes a while to reset boundaries after an rubbish relationship .

However you found yourself there OP it's time to get out. I cannot believe he would buy himself food and not you. It's so awful that I am thinking he must be trying to get rid of you.

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 13:05

IE by purposely being as unpleasant as its possible to be.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 13:33

I've know him for over 12 years so really didn't think this would ever happen, ESP when I sat down with him and talked thorough money. Yes I was stupid to sell my furniture but at the time I had no where to put it, and I was trying to be as considerate as possible as to taking on any new bills so didn't want to add the cost of a storage unit.
Also I was on really strong medication at the time, we are talking 80+ different tablets during the day and I was in so much pain, clearly not thinking as straight as I should of been.
As for moving him in the first place I am very careful not to bring my ds into any relationship that I truly didn't think was long term ie, "the one". I had a two other "bf's/people I saw" since I left the ex and these other people did not even meet ds, as I don't think it would be fair on him. They of course knew of ds, but I really don't want to upset ds. I however felt that this current fella was different and really did think I found my life partner, I trusted him and we worked really well together. I didn't enter the relationship light heartily and discussed every possible situation with him, however I would never of thought he would u-turn on me so much. My friends that have him also have said the same. I am however the first person he has livid with too, so I suppose that plays a part.

OP posts:

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 13:35

Lived*

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 13:58

No it doesn't matter that you are the first person he's lived with though I am not at all surprised he's an arsehole, he just is. No decent human being would see someone go without or their child when they claim to LOVE them. Is this LOVE? Could you do that to him?

What are the options for you leaving him and moving out?

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 14:01

I am going to leave, just need to sort out an action plan. First thing is to go and see the council, but if I move out will they say I made myself intensionally homeless? Therefore they won't help me? Would that be right?

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 14:04

What's the chances of him chucking you out?

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 14:05

I believe that would make things easier. If he can give you notice to leave, then you would need to be rehoused. Can I suggest you contact Shelter. They will be able to answer all your questions.

Original poster

Costypop · 12/03/2013 14:08

I doubt he will do that, he very much wants me, or so he says so I'm imaging its going to get a little ugly. He keeps tabs on me during the day with texts, calls, and popping home to see what I'm up too. So I doubt he will just let me go....

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 14:10

Right, he's abusive in other ways then. Does he or has he been violent towards you?

Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 14:13

Ring womens aid as soon as you can. They will help you escape this vile man.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2013 14:15

"In all other ways he is lovely and still says I want to marry you"
Any loveliness is entirely superficial, and only deployed to ensure you stay ensnared. Ditto the saying he wants to marry you. Basically, he's fucking with your head.

"He keeps tabs on me during the day with texts, calls, and popping home to see what I'm up too. So I doubt he will just let me go...."
That just made me feel a little bit sick. Get out as soon as you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/03/2013 14:16

Oh dear - very controlling man.
You do need to leave and I don't always say that lightly.
He knows he is being abusive and he checks up on you in the day to make sure you aren't making any exit plans.
Do you have family near by? Can you go to them for now?
Lots of good advice above about who you should contact, so get phoning NOW!
Sorry you are going through this. Good luck and keep us posted.

AllOverIt · 12/03/2013 14:17

Run for the hills..

dawntigga · 12/03/2013 14:19

I rarely say LTB but:

L.T.B.

RunRunAsFastAsYouCanTiggaxx

Pigsmummy · 12/03/2013 14:22

I am confused about the food shopping, does he just is usual shop and refuse to get you additional things that you have asked for? Are you coping and managing to prepare meals? If not then consider a food bank, there will be one local to you. This might shame him into behaving better? Long term though you know what you need to do....

Pigsmummy · 12/03/2013 14:25

Meant "does he just do his usual shop"

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 14:31

Yes how are you managing to eat OP and your child?

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