AIBU to think if there's no spark you can't make one appear?

[HarryTheHungryHippo]

Actually hoping IABU
Ds's father is a wonderful man and a brilliant father. We are great friends and could spend every day together and never get sick of each other.
When we split it was reasons beyond our control and other things getting the best of us. However for a long time before we split out romantic life was not great. I used to put it down to ds, pregnancy etc but actually I do really enjoy sex I think the spark was just missing with us. It feels awkward when we kiss and I struggle to get into sex and even more to climax.
This feeling is on my side, he enjoys it but men are wired differently and not the complex creatures we are

If its not there it's never going to be is it?

No but we could be

I do think there needs to be an initial spark, it can come and go but does need to have been there at some point.

You can get a spark from a lightning strike.

You can also get a spark from rubbing two pieces of wood together, until they heat up enough.

Both will start a fire.

OP, some people are content with a flicker of a flame or even a bit of smoke, while others need a blazing fire. You sound like the latter!

No I'm not still sleeping with him.
I agree all that is more important of course it is but when we were together we barely had sex or kissed. We were like friends who had a baby. It's really sad, I want so badly for it to work but i don't know how.

I suppose it depends how important the sexual side is in a relationship for you

I could not be with anyone I didn't "spark" with, but for others it's not so important.

I don't think it will change tbh, but it is for you to decide (and him) how much that matters.

If he knew how you felt would he want to be with you? Sex may not be key to a sucessful relationship but honesty is. If you getting back with him meant you lying about how you felt, that is not a good foundation IMO.

I agree with Sanity - there can be a flash-bang or a slow burner; sometimes as long as there's attraction (which isn't always immediately physical) you can ignite some passion.

I couldn't be intimate with someone I didn't fancy on some level.

I disagree with 'more important than sex,' I think it's as important.

You can be with someone who is great, funny, reliable, a great father etc but if you don't fancy them and have good sex then I would find that utterly miserable.

I agree with you op there has to be a spark it does nt have to be oh god lets rip our clothes off and have sex right here right now but you have to find him attractive my own sex life is a bit crap at present we are always to tired both work opposite shift and it does nt help that we have two kids that we just cant seem to evict from the marital bed but i do still find my dh attractive

Plus I think it helps you get through the rough times if you both remember the great sex you had in the distant past

It feels awkward when we kiss and I struggle to get into sex

Yeah but everlong you need a bit more enjoyment than what OP has described! Feeling awkward when kissing is not something I'd want with someone I lived with.

But they split up, so obviously the relationship is rocky.

The thing is I do fancy him. I just don't enjoy the sex and kissing feels awkward.
As I said we rarely had sex before and I just got used to it so I actually forgot how much I like sex and intimacy.
A few months ago I had a fling with an ex and it reminded me what it could be like when you really enjoy it. The worst part of all? They aren't that different, ds dad isn't bad in bed, his techniques not off so I don't know wtf it is I just don't feel passion with him
Maybe it's me and I'm just a lost cause

Valium we split partly down to this and partly down to other things, there was wrong on both sides but we still love each other and get on great.
I couldn't go back to him if I couldn't change this as it would be unfair on him to be in a practically sexless relationship. He deserves better than that and so do i

Personally I couldn't live with someone who I couldn't even kiss without it feeling awkward. Regardless of passion/a great shag etc I would need something as basic as that to be ok.

That's the problem everlong I don't know what it is I want. If I could just put my finger on the problem and say I think we need more of this this and this then It would be fine, he's not unapproachable and we could discuss. Not knowing what it is that makes me feel this way is worse.
I fancy him but I'm not turned on by him, where do I go with that?

Sounds more like a friend.

I don't think forcing yourself to fancy someone, have sex with them and have a relationship with them is ever a good idea. And why bother? I guess if you really want children, but you have a DC anyway. For money? For security? To fit in with friends? Surely not! Its 2013!

Also, if you do that, you risk missing out on someone that you really do fancy, because you're not single.

I had a boyfriend who I fancied for ages prior to us getting together, he was funny, good looking he was also going out with someone so when he split up with her, I was delighted!

Bear with me..

Anyway, we went out, had a great evening, I had waited so long for him to become available I could hardly contain myself!

It got the end of the evening and we kissed and quite honestly it was repulsive and I was soooooo disappointed. It didn't matter what I did it just don't feel 'right' and we didn't 'fit together' iykwim?

I tried a few more times, sex was even worse and then called it a day. There was NO reason at all why he shouldn't have been 'the one' except he just wasn't.

When I met my now dh, even from the very first kiss it was clear we just gelled.

Sorry, that was a omg ramble

I think OP. since you had the fling and it reminded you how much you enjoy the intimate side of things that this issue won't go away. Good luck with whatever you decide x