AIBU to think that 'but it's mother's day' is a crap excuse.

[manicinsomniac]

We had the dress rehearsal of our very large scale school play all day today .

The children were not forced to be in it. They auditioned. They have known since mid October that this rehearsal was unmissable in almost all circumstances and that if they couldn't commit to it then they couldn't be in the show.

on Friday night as he left for home one boy (with a large-ish part) told us he can't come as it's mother's day. I rang home explaining the importance of the rehearsal and pointing out how long it has been scheduled for but the response was no, he can't be away from his family on mother's day.

And now they are cross because we've kicked the kid out. They were warned.

The other 70 odd children were all there.

So, AIBU?

YADNBU

Presumably the family has a diary of some variety on which they mark rehearsals, term dates etc. most of these also have Valentine's day, Easter Day, Mothering Sunday printed on them. If they chose to ignore the clash they must suffer the penalties. Next weekend my DS's school has a rehearsal all day on Sunday but because there is also a county sports tournament at which many of the boys will be playing the rehearsal is starting & finishing later. If there is such a clash in future can you have the technical run through first for the crew & sound & lighting team & then have the main rehearsal starting at 1430? I suppose the entitled would simply turn up late.

Was he the only child that couldn't make it?

Sirzy

There is being flexible and there is being taken for a mug.

As I said implied upthread, the 49 children on a bus waiting to go to France were more important than the one whose parents couldn't/would get their DC to the school on time.

69 pupils were relying on this child to turn up, god knows how many stage hands, lighting technicians etc.

Why should one person be more important than all of the others?

TBH after reading the whole thread thus far, I think I'd still need a bit more info to tell I YAB or not. May 'out with this anecdote but...'

In our dramatics society DH and I often go to alternate rehearsals as otherwise we couldn't both be in the show because otherwise we'd have no childcare and couldn't be in the show (our friends are all in the shows too and just can't afford babysitters) but this is always agreed with the director/MD in advance and we always make tec/dress etc and try our best to both be at rehearsals nearer the time if we can! In our last show when we both had roles rather than chorus we did 'rehearsal relay' for the last two weeks, taking it in turns to sit in the car outside the rehearsal halls with sleeping DS while the other was rehearsing their scenes!!
Having said that, a few years ago I did miss a tec run for a non-important event (I think it was a friend's hen night) but again this was arranged and agreed with the creative team in advance. We also often have rehearsals on Mothering Sunday or other such days.

I think the boys parents WBU for not letting you know more in advance that it would be difficult for their DS to rehearse today, they probably didn't realise when they signed the 'contract' what day it was but surely they realised a bit in advance. It seems a great shame to kick the boy out of the play at this late stage but do understand the commitment reason, - to be fair there isn't really a 'compromise' situation is there!? If you kick him out YABU to him punishing him for what is probably his parent's decision, but if you let him stay in the production YABU to all the other parents who 'gave up their mother's day' to let their DC's rehearse! A pretty thankless situation really!!

Maybe learn from this and reschedule if it falls on mothers day another year. Does it have to be all day or could it just be an afternoon in future?

As I said I'm on the fence, a big part of me says YABU poor kid, but another big part of me says YANBU as I see he has missed other rehearsals. Then again, working in a school I do wonder, like another poster, how many kids were not even allowed to audition because of realising it was compulsory to attend on MD - I know my parents nearly didn't let me audition for a school production as one of the Compulsory rehearsals was on a day I had clashes - I did audition, and got the part, and didn't attend the rehearsal in question!! But it was only because I had stated my reasons on auditioning and agreed to make all other rehearsals and an extra one to go over a special scene.

Anyway sorry for the ramble! Basically I feel for you OP, you really are in a ''buggered if you do, buggered of you don't" situation here as my Nan used to say.

Aah a christian, well that explains your hard ass, un christian like attitude then.
You don't come across as a very nice person.

The lad is better off out of it because I can only imagine you lot becoming even bigger nightmares as showtime draws nearer.

Hope he had a great, relaxing time today with his folks and didn't give it another thought.

P.S. If your rules are that set in stone, why are you saying you would have reconsidered if MN came down against you? What's MN got to do with your school's rule setting?

Iamsparkly - they were there 9.30-5.30 so yes, plenty of time.

MummytoKatie - it's not about punishment. I wrote this earlier but deleted it as it sounded like more excuses but it really is about practicalities. He doesn't know how to use the radio mics, who he changes his with, the layout of the set, the blocking changes made to reflect said layout, he hasn't had the health and safety tour of the set (which is on three levels) etc. And we perform to the school tomorrow, rest day is Tuesday and Wednesday we begin the run. If it had been an unavoidable, emergency or even long planned absence we would have felt duty bound to sort something out. But as it is, no.

I'm another for YANBU and I actually think you can discount any of the YABUs which revolved around imaginary illnesses, family bereavements, religious observance or any other issue which wasn't relayed to you by the parents. I also think that his parents ABU because they are the ones who have effectively kicked him out by refusing to let him come (if that was indeed the case) knowing the consequences.

How are we supposed to avoid raising a generation of entitled, irresponsible human beings who don't consider the impact of their actions upon others if we allow them to run roughshod over the rules that they agreed to when committing to an optional event?

YANBU. Like others i am gobsmacked by peoples' responses. Speshly the person who said that you dont know how many children were not allowed to audition by their parents because they would have to rehearse on mothers' day.

Are there really people who know or care when mothers day is 5 months in advance? and you would not let your kids do something in the event of a clash? Really?

you. are. all bonkers.

Except the people who agree with me. you're not.

growlithe - I said that because, if 160 ish people taken as a random sample of the parent body of schools all thought we had made a wrong decision then the chances are that we did. Not because it was mumsnet. Chances are we still wouldn't have changed the decision, out of both practicality and principal. I did say might.

It's a school play!

YABU and really quite mean to a 13 year old boy who probably had no control over a decision his parents enforced.

Oh and as far as I am concerned Mother's Day is as about as important as a school play. Make of that what you will.

"I actually think you can discount any of the YABUs which revolved around imaginary illnesses, family bereavements, religious observance or any other issue which wasn't relayed to you by the parents"

100% agreement on the above.

YANBU OP. I hope this boy has learnt a valuable lesson about making and keeping commitments.

Having read about the fact you are using radio mikes and three level sets, YANBU!! Radio miles are a PITA at the best of times, but when you have to keep changing them with others/fit them on your costume, that really does require lots of rehearsal and slick changes or you are doomed to have accidents! Plus 3 level setting is very different from rehearsing on the flat so again will require rehearsal and changes.

However, unless it's a rock musical or you have a very loud full band/orchestra/loads of electrical instruments YABVU to use radio mikes in the first place - the kids should learn to project their voices over the band! Tsk! (please note that last comment was meant to be lighthearted and jokey! Coming from an operatic background I hate radio mikes with a passion but unfortunately they are pretty much a nesesity nowadays and I've had to learn to live with them!)

We didn't have our regular sunday rehearsal to day because it is Mothering Sunday.How stupid to organise the dress rehearsal of a kids production for Mothers Day!

I'm shocked at how many YABU's you're getting OP and all the sly comments about how mean you are, etc etc If this boy's grandparent had an illness or something crucial surely they would have told you?

It sucks for the lad, but this isn't your fault, it's his parents. They knew their involvement and chose to take the "but our special circumstance is more important" road, and their son paid the price. I wonder how he's feeling towards his family now? :(
I'll never understand the craze around commercial holidays. If DH weren't such a softie, I'd forget Valentines most years.

I think parents expect too much of schools. I have many friends who are teachers. For all those saying 'why couldn't you rearrange etc etc,' setting up a school play/excursion/overnight trips takes months and months. I've had friends in tears of frustration about permission slips, rants about why their little prince/princess didn't get the part they deserved (Seriously not kidding, that was the exact term used by one parent) Making changes at the last minute from what I've seen seems to mean new permission slips in case of being sued as well as repeated reminders for kids to show up. What would of happened if OP had changed last minute and say, seven children didn't show up and she was forced to boot them? Kinda a lose/lose situation IMO.

TL;DR YADDDDDDNBU

My son was at a rehearsal all day today. Never considered him missing it.

bangwhizz
"We didn't have our regular sunday rehearsal to day because it is Mothering Sunday"

This isn't a regular rehearsal its the final dress rehearsal.

This thread does go to show just how unappreciated those that organise actives outside of school are.

I help a lot in school, and we are taking part in Global Rock Challenge which is on right now.

We are scheduling rehearsals for 70 children, building sets, props and costumes, but I can still appreciate that children and their families have lives outside school and have other commitments and would understand that some kids may not be able to attend. We scheduled a rehearsal during half term, some kids didn't turn up, some could only be there for half a day, we worked round it, it wasn't the end of the world. The main bulk of our rehearsals are after school.

I feel very sorry for him if he had no control in the matter but having said that no, I don't think YABU and the people responsible for this unhappy outcome and any hurt he may feel are the family. They supported the commitment and signed that they understood it but then reneged on it.

I think mothers day is important but letting people down at the last moment is unacceptable and gives a 13 yr old the impression that being unreliable is an option.

Out of interest how will you replace him at such short notice if the role is a main one?

OP - perhaps listening to a random group of 160 internet forum members is still not the best way to make decisions on reversing the kind of action you have taken, even if you did just say might.

I mean, as you and I both know OP, such forums can be full of goady folk who just like to get a rise out of people by saying controversial stuff.

As for the "its only a school play" comments - I think the people who have posted that perhaps don't appreciate the effort, time, commitment and money involve in the large scale productions that are put on by many senior schools, not just independents. We recently did a huge one that took months of rehearsals, full orchestra, sound and lighting etc. The students who participated, I have absolutely NO doubt, will always remember it as a hugely important part of their school life and the quality of the finished product was as near to professional as you could wish. I agree with the poster upthread who said some of the responses on here demonstrate the lack of appreciation by some parents for the work that goes into this kind of thing by teachers who will be doing it all on top of their usual teaching load.

fairylightsinthesnow Sun 10-Mar-13 21:20:52
As for the "its only a school play" comments - I think the people who have posted that perhaps don't appreciate the effort, time, commitment and money involve in the large scale productions that are put on by many senior schools, not just independents. We recently did a huge one that took months of rehearsals, full orchestra, sound and lighting etc. The students who participated, I have absolutely NO doubt, will always remember it as a hugely important part of their school life and the quality of the finished product was as near to professional as you could wish. I agree with the poster upthread who said some of the responses on here demonstrate the lack of appreciation by some parents for the work that goes into this kind of thing by teachers who will be doing it all on top of their usual teaching load.

This. Yet always^ these are the same people who expect allowances for their own extra special circumstances, in my experience.

Manic

That's what I thought. In which case YANBU. Would it even be legal to put the boy on without his H&S tour? If he fell off the scenery and broke his leg I suspect the parents might (rightly) be a tad aggrieved.

the only thing I am thinking is that in future it may be worth you checking out the unmissable dates for MD and other religious festivals and putting "please note the dress rehearsal is on ... and cannot be missed for this reason" on the original permission slip.

Not because I think you are obliged but because it would reduce hassle for you which is always a good thing.

To be fair, OP, I do actually think YANBU, particularly given that there has been a bit of a history with the family and commitment.
I'm a real stickler for honouring commitments, and can be a bit "rules is rules" myself. HOWEVER, I think it was pretty shortsighted of school staff to not have checked the days which these rehearsals fell on. Whilst the other 69 kids managed to turn up, I'll bet there were a lot of families were unable to do things with other family members because of short sightedness in your shortsightedness.

Shortsightedness in forward planning!