AIBU to think that 'but it's mother's day' is a crap excuse.

[manicinsomniac]

We had the dress rehearsal of our very large scale school play all day today .

The children were not forced to be in it. They auditioned. They have known since mid October that this rehearsal was unmissable in almost all circumstances and that if they couldn't commit to it then they couldn't be in the show.

on Friday night as he left for home one boy (with a large-ish part) told us he can't come as it's mother's day. I rang home explaining the importance of the rehearsal and pointing out how long it has been scheduled for but the response was no, he can't be away from his family on mother's day.

And now they are cross because we've kicked the kid out. They were warned.

The other 70 odd children were all there.

So, AIBU?

I don't know why you would plan a rehearsal on Mothers' day. It happens every year. It doesn't come as a surprise. Could you not have done it on Saturday? It's a bloody school play, not a major Broadway show!

And I think you are bloody unreasonable for kicking him out. For fuck sake, priorities! His parents decided he couldn't be there, so you punish him? Nice. Perhaps they recently lost a loved female relative & they needed to use mothers' day as a remembrance. Instead you care more about your SCHOOL play, than his family & their commitments. I find that really fucking sad!

Glad my kids don't go to your school. Our school actually realise how important family days are!

He is 13 so i suppose it's borderline as to whether he had the choice or not

Course he didn't have a fucking choice. But you probably just shoved a huge wedge into his family dynamic. Well done.

It's been explained why it couldn't be done Saturday.

Parents had five months notice. OP stated in the very first post if there were extenuating circumstances the child would not be kicked out.

His family flouted the rules, it wouldn't be fair to the 69 other students, the understudy or the boy himself if he was reinstated. He could actually hurt himself from having missed this rehearsal. I thought the reverse AIBU was a very good example so I'm going to repost:

"AIBU to make my son miss a very important dress rehearsal of a school play he has been rehearsing for months, when the other 69 children also in the play are all going to be there, despite us knowing months ago that he was expected to be there or he would lose his place in the play, but I want him to stay at home so we can go out for dinner because it's Mother's Day"

• there would have been an avalanche of YABU's to that woman for spoiling all her sons hard work and being so entitled and selfish about a made up holiday.

From the Great brain of FakePlasticLobsters

Oh and it was his parents who will have him furious; and they drove the wedge, one could argue intentionally since there are so many hypothetically floating around. Maybe he said he knew he'd be kicked out and begged not to go? Maybe he has entitled parents who were stupid enough to think the rules didn't apply to them and are now fumbling with a very upset and angry child who is hurt at them... Not the teacher who five months ago had the parents sign.

bloody hell. just bloody hell.
OP - i don't think you are being unreasonable. your reasons are clear. And it is clear from a lot of posters that they have no idea of the sheer level of extra-curricular activities the child at private schools are strongly encouraged to partake in and the associated scheduling issues!

It has not thing to do with not being understanding or having empathy etc it is simple logistics. You physically can not be in two places at once and if you are expected to undertake sport and art etc etc activities it becomes very hard to fit everything in.

That said i think you are being unreasonable for posting this on a parenting forum on mothers day because the only way that was going to go was a flaming. sorry but feelings run very high here wrt mothers day/mothering sunday whole other debate but would seem is as equally important!

"differentnameforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 04:03:11
He is 13 so i suppose it's borderline as to whether he had the choice or not

Course he didn't have a fucking choice. But you probably just shoved a huge wedge into his family dynamic. Well done." Actually know what i would like to suggest that if is the case then the parents are being incredibly unreasonable and probably don't have much of a relationship with their son if they have no idea how important the play is to their son. Either that or they are not very supportive and the fact that this incident highlights it is meer co-incident and it would likely to be highlighted by some other event at some other time and the op should take no responsibility for this issue.

I am involved in a team. we have an event coming up in shortly. During the last few rehersals we have been missing a significant proportion of the team. It has proper fucked up the rehersals. the ones that have pissed me off mostly have been the 'oh i forgots' and the 'i have booked a holiday'. we have known about this for a YEAR! and I have managed to arrange around this. It spoils it for everyone else who puts the effort in and quite frankly whilst these individuals take the attitude it is fine as it is only for fun. It more then pisses me off because it is a commitment that the rest of us made and we all signed up for. Incidentally i am thinking of quitting the team as a direct result. there is no way that the child should be let back in sorry it is a life lesson, and one that i wish my teams mates had grasped.

What kind of school production costs thousands, takes 5 months to prepare for and means it's ok to ask a child to choose between it and his mother?

^^ Exactly that!

If the play is so bloody important, they should all be given the day off lessons to do the dress rehearsal. Blimey, thank God I went to school at a time when school plays were rehearsed for in school time.

Just for clarification, when you sent out the forms for parents to sign, did you point out that the dress rehearsal was actually on Mothers Day?

shesparkles - no, we didn't

Completely your fault then. So you have punished him for your error of communication. Or perhaps you thought you would not get too many signing up if you told them this? You omitted essential info. Sounds to me like you have (and enjoyed doing so) made an example out of him.

BoneyBackJefferson Your examples are all way removed from what this thread is about. And RADA is hardly "just a school"

The Mothers' Day fuss on here reminds me of some of the threads about adult birthdays that I don't understand either. It's just not that big a deal Would you like to tell that to my father & three younger sisters? Their mother died when they were young & Mothers' Day is very important in their house. She didn't go big on her birthday, birthday were always about the children & she made a huge fuss of all of us (my dad has 7 children & if any of her 4 step children were at her home on/near their birthday, there would be a huge fuss) But on Mother's Day (again, she never usually worried about it from her point of view) she always let dad take over & make a huge fuss of her, because he wanted to. Now Mothers' day is always their day to take time to be together & share memories. And it can be this way in lots of families. Just because you don't see the importance, doesn't mean everyone else follow that line of thinking!

meaning that time is fought over and scheduling is a nightmare Ever get the feeling that you are doing too much? Perhaps just concentrate on their education?

"Ever get the feeling that you are doing too much? Perhaps just concentrate on their education?" This could be why rehersals are not during the school day!

And the op has clearly stated that the rehersal period was NOT 5 months. this was just the notice that the parents had of the dates for the rehersals.

I think if a thread gets to 12 pages it is inevitable that new posters will make comments that have already been addressed and they should realise this and add that caveat to their post. Still with you OP and also YANBU for posting in the first place. You seem to be handling the flaming you are getting from some fairly well - this is a topical forum. The OP was seeking opinions on a current situation - no point waiting two weeks and then doing it.

YADNBU. Mothers' day is a load of bollocks and families who get worked up about it are wet, maudlin and clearly dysfunctional if they need a fake national festival to remind them to cherish their relationships . The kid's mother is a selfish bitch who does not deserve anything in return for denying her son his chance to be in the play. Poor lad (but not because of you, OP).

JessieMcJessie, if bigamy were legal I'd ask you to marry me.

I don't have the guts to be as blunt as you, but that's exactly what I was thinking. His mum is selfish and the whole carry on is selfish. I got one unflattering self portrait, two careful, loving scribbles and woken up very early by squealing chubby dive bombs cuddles and my DH laughing and saying he loved me. MD was special to me because it was special to them (Lots of nursery preparation, no mention from us.)

I'd never spoil my child's school play to celebrate myself. Ugh.

What kind of school production means it's ok to ask a child to choose between it and his mother?

Something horrible will happen to the mother if the son goes to the rehearsal on MD?

Oh and as people agree that the 13-year old probably didn't have the final say, it was not him being asked to choose between the play and mother in the first place. It was the parents who decided that the lunch was more important that all his efforts and commitment.

differentnameforthis

"Your examples are all way removed from what this thread is about"

Like so many things posters have a different take on the subject, mine is that one person/family are seeing themselves as above the rules, as given in my examples.

"And RADA is hardly "just a school""

and the play is just a play and mothers day is just a day.

Its all about opinions.

Oh Christ, drama types
Yabu

YABU.
We do large productions at our school and I understand that things fit around each other and can't be moved once scheduled.
So... Why not look at the calendar next year before scheduling everything (set, dress rehearsal) on Mother's Day weekend?
Also, this person had a main part? Hope you have a good understudy OP.

You should be giving the boy some credit for telling the truth not just ringing up sick.

YANBU.

I'm involved in DofE with a school. We have to be very strict about attendance otherwise it descends into chaos. It's quite often parents who don't like it when we get tough. At 13, they need to have some responsibility too. Well done for sticking to It - sends the right message out to the rest and future years.

I've changed my mind from YABabitU to YANBU.

Yesterday I spent the morning alone. Picked up my son early afternoon to take him to his club, and I went to my (unimportant, gig not for 3 months) rehearsal, where there were three other mothers, all of which had chosen the rehearsal over mothers day.

When you think about the safety aspects and the complications that were being dealt with at the dress rehearsal - YANBU.

From your OP you were not being unreasonable. However your subsequent replies make me think of the dragon drama teacher with whom I will be having words with over her attitude this week at parents night.

differentname as I've already said, that's FINE if Mothers' Day is important to your family. But you also have to recognise that it is not important to every family, that the world will continue on, and you may have to miss some other events.

And I don't think it's the OP's responsibility to point out the date. Surely if MD is important to your family, you'd notice that a rehearsal fell on a March Sunday and check it yourself? Then you make your choice.

For those who are seeing a big conspiracy to not tell the parents one of the rehearsals was MD I am imagining the conversation now...

"Hey Jocasta daaaaarling - I've just had a spiffing idea. Let's schedule the dress rehearsal for Mother's day and then when the main character doesn't turn up we can kick him out!"
"Oh Rupey daaaaarling - what jolly japes! Then we can spend aaaages in our precious rehearsal time training up the understudy and re blocking the chorus so it works without him!"
Cue big theatrical hug

And for those who said "why have the rehearsal on MD" - have you read the thread? Has to be the Sunday before the show as Saturday is spent building. Have to have show second to last week of term as week after half the school leaves on hols before the Sat night performance. Can't be the week before as classes with lots of things including exams. "AIBU to be annoyed that none of the Y9 students turned up to dress rehearsal when they all have exams tomorrow that will give their sets for GCSEs" comes to mind.....

YANBU. And I say that as a mum who spent most of yesterday shivering on the side of a rugby pitch while DS played in a rugby tournament that lasted most of the day. I don't think that Mothering Sunday is one of those days that can be held sacred and nothing else arranged that might clash with it, especially as it moves around every year.

If it's a day that is particularly important to a family for some reason then they have to accept that there are consequences of keeping that day free from external commitments. Same as if you are marking eg a wedding anniversary, anniversary of the death of a close family member, religious festivals and national holidays beyond those that get Bank Holidays associated with them, or another day that is certainly important to you and your family but isn't necessarily important to anyone else.

YABVU, cannot believe the school kicked a boy out of the show who had been practising for months, it's dreadful and I hope his parents complain to the chair of governors and Ofsted about whoever made he decision, not on at all.

Every weekend is important to someone though. There are many different religions, many different hallmark holidays, thousands of individual anniversaries of the happy and not so happy kind.

Imagine if someone came into work and said that actually, they couldn't attend the important meeting because it was Valentine's day and they were taking their partner out for lunch.

And it's hypocrisy to say "it's only a play, doesn't matter" then on the other hand be bewailing the poor little innocent 13 year old who must be weeping at home, his life and confidence shattered. It's one or the other. Maybe the boy is a lazy git who only auditioned because his mates did and can't really be bothered with the whole thing because it's too much like effort.

YANBU. This self indulgent importance of mothers' day is ridiculous.