To feel like a failure!

[upndown]

Basically my daughter - 6, is very overweight. She is in 10- 11 year clothes and carries the most weight on her tummy, but is visible overweight all over.

She was a very skinny toddler, but her weight crept up over the years from around the age of three. I honestly don't know how I've allowed it to get this way but I'm struggling to get her weight down. I eat a healthy diet in general. But I have a love for all things sweet too. I guess I've allowed my daughter to too.

She always seems to be hungry and over the past few weeks I have ensure that five days of the week she has no sweets/chocolate. at the weekends - I allow her some treats. She fills up in between meals on fruit.

Why haven't I seen a loss? I know these things are gradual, but she looks exactly the same size! I'm careful that she doesn't pick up on this, but she is already concious of her weight because she said 'I wan't a flat tummy like my friends at school" I am SO angry with myself for letting it get this bad. I know there are friends in her class that live on crap and fast foods. They are bean poles!

The types of food she eats are listed below. I never fry food or cook in grease and use healthy spread for toast.

Weetabix/rice crispies
granary toast
low fat cream cheese
lots of fruit
most veg
chicken
cod
fish fingers (yes I know!)
pasta with pesto
sausages
bolognaise
rice
mash
new potatoes
rice cakes/breadsticks
houmous
skimmed milk

mcdonalds is the only fast food she would eat and that is on average a handful of times a year.

chocolate was most days until the last 6 weeks.

is anyone in asimilar position. I want her healthy, but not feeling her weight truly reflects what she consumes??

btw, she is not very active, but I think that's mainly due to her size...
Thanks

Well done for starting to tackle this. I sympathise - just the range of replies on this thread and similar ones shows what a minefield nutrition is.

It must be hard having to continue working once your DD is home from school; if I understood correctly it must be quite boring for her too and maybe this is the 'danger' time for her lazing and snacking? I guess it depends on your business but is there any way you could postpone some of your work until after she's in bed each day, so that you can spend an hour after school at the park or doing something active together?

I think the problems you have are similar to mine - too much snacking and not enough activity. I have a chronic illness and disability so they spend far too much time indoors. I need to fix it, somehow, it is heartbreaking to see my two naturally über-active children become more sedentary as I can't get them outside.

I will be taking the above recommendation of a swingball set though!

Activitry is key.

My 13 year olds are skinny and eat like horses...plenty of sugar and carbs and everyhting really.

But they are extremely active. And have always been so. After school I never assumed they needed to relax, I assumed they wanted to run around. Ditto weekends. Long walks with the dog. Footie in the garden with Dad. Sprots teams as they got older.

It's a habit they've kept up.

I think a trip to the GP and ask to be seen by the dietitian.I think you could use some help and support on this.

Alot of what you mention food wise is not so bad.I think alot of the issue here is her not moving.She is not burning off what she is eating.

Could you get a trampoline? They are great for burning up a rake of energy and at least this way it can be done from home.Also the Just Dance etc for the Wii.I think with a 6 year it needs to made like it's not exercise to get her going.

Good luck with it.

Thank again to all of you. Some really interesting posts.

I am just so amazed that all the little things I have been doing (ricecakes, low fat milk/cheese spread/butter, smoothies, cereal bars and fruit!) are in fact, no good for her at all!

I have just completed an online shop, with Full fat milk (shocking!) and ff cheese spread. I've not added smoothies either. This thread has been a real eye opener. I really thought her overall diet was quite OK. Nutrition is a minefield, and to be fair, I'm rather surprised just how uneducated I actually am about it all.

My daughter hates eggs! That bothers me, as eggs for breakfast sounds rather wholesome and appropriate. I realise that I am definitely going to have to add more protein to her diet. I just need to figure out what and when.

Some of you are surprised at how much she eats in a day. I have to say, I was brought up on big portions and snacking on fruit as and when. So to me, the quantity of food seemed 'the norm'. The difference between us, is I was of the generation of outdoors children, so was fairly active.

I think if her snacking between meals is reduced, she is more likely to be 'starving' by dinner time and less likely to be picky about what's on her dinner plate. I think I have to introduce small changes bit by bit though...

I have a ridiculously small amount of outdoor space. The only living creature that would benefit from exercise out there is a hamster! No space for a trampoline. :-( I am trying to think of ways to incorporate some physical activity during week days. I just have to be more organised with work and cram as much into my day while she is at school as possible.

fuzzpig - I agree, I think she snacks through boredom and as something to do! She does't watch loads of tv. She plays with her toys. But is not exactly charging around the house burning energy!

Glad this thread has given you some tips though! I love the idea of swingball - just don't have the space! :-)

updnown - I can really recommend that you read "Escape the Diet Trap" by Dr John Briffa. He talks about carbs/fat/protein and gives a lot of background about why we are recommended to follow a diet these days which is deleterious for our health,

"I think if her snacking between meals is reduced, she is more likely to be 'starving' by dinner time and less likely to be picky about what's on her dinner plate"

I would absolutely agree with that. As a kid I was lucky not to really have a sweet tooth, and my mum would bring tomatoes with her when she picked me up from school..

As for the protein, does she like baked beans? They are full of fibre and protein. She could have those on toast for a quick breakfast.

A school day in the life of my very active 8.5 year old boy:

Breakfast: Bowl of High Protein Cereal + a couple of tablespoons of mixed nuts+seeds with full cream milk. Piece of fruit (usually a banana for a 'hit').

Morning tea: Cheese/yoghurt/fruit

Lunch: Ham/roast beef/chicken sandwich on dark seedy grainy bread + usually something surgery from the school canteen. Some cheese + salad bits (i.e. cherry tomatoes, cucumber etc).

Dinner: Some sort of protein (might be meat, might be halloumi, might be fish) and plenty of it. Lots of low starch vegetables, maybe some pasta or rice or potato but not everyday and I usually use carrots/corn as the starch, obviously go for the wholemeal version of everything.

Desserts happen only on weekends and I make no attempt to make them healthy.

He fills up on protein and fat and then has a bit of carb rather than the other way around.

A bugger about no space for trampoline, as it is a massive help here for keeping them moving on days at home.

The x-box kinect is used by all of us on rainy weekends, it is a hell of a work out.

BIWI - Thanks for that - sounds like an interesting read! Do you happen to know a reliable internet site where I can get information on kids nutrition? I googled about Full fat milk for children and got such conflicting advice!! Lots of sites recommend switch to semi skimmed after 2-3 years!

Morloth - sounds like you're doing a great job.. Going to have a task on my hands upping my daughters protein!

Squeakytoy - she dislikes baked beans also! She used to love them when she was younger.

If she is having fish, chicken and cheese, then she is getting protein so I wouldnt get too worried there.

Do you have room for one of the mini trampette things? I have one of those and they are great. I also recommend the wii fit for getting some fat burning going on..

upndown - I honestly don't know about nutritional advice for children. However, I would be prepared to put money on it that the advice for adults would equally apply to children - i.e. that we need to eat a whole lot less carbohydrates.

I am not a doctor, nor a scientist, nor a nutritionist however, so I can't advise specifically. All that I can say, based on the reading that I have done, is that I view carbohydrates that come from things like flour, pasta, rice, sugar, fruit and bread as particularly problematic. And advice to give up things like butter, cheese and full fat milk is misguided.

And one other thing that is hugely important, is that you are absolutely not a failure. You have recognised that there is a problem. You want to sort it out. But you are also a victim here - current advice is totally wrong.

Can I just say you're not a failure. It sounds as though you are very determined to resolve this, which is great.

I think it's quite easy, if you have DC who are naturally slim, to be a little bit smug, and just say 'oh you need to do XYZ, more exercise, less food, are you fat yourself' blahblah.

I have 2 DSs. Brought up identically. Served the same meals, offered the same snacks etc. DS1 is overweight. DS2 is, if anything, underweight. The difference is that DS1 has an emotional relationship with food, eats his feelings, eats through boredom, is never 'full'. DS2 eats until he is full, no more. If that means leaving a slice of carrot on his plate, one crisp in a bag, or whatever, he leaves it and will not eat it.

That 'switch' in his head I think means DS2 will never be overweight. DS1 however I think will always need to watch and be conscious of what he eats. It's sad, and I wish it was different. We struggle with opportunities to exercise too, I work FT so am not home til 7 most nights, and both DSs do barely any sports at their secondary school - rugby would be ideal for DS1, but the school refuse to allow it as it is considered dangerous.

the reason kids have and need more carbs is because generally they are twice as active as adults and need the extra fuel because they burn it off more easily and naturally. OPs little girl isnt having enough exercise at the moment so I would say lowering the carbs that she currently has is not going to do any harm as currently they are just sitting there building fat rather than getting used up.

I'd try not to worry to much. And also cut down a bit on bread and other carbs. Also a bit of excercise wouldn't do any harm. Swimming or cycling perhaps.

Thank you all again! It's hard not to feel a failure as I've allowed it to escalate to what it is now. My 6 year old daughter at 5 stone! The fact she is becoming aware makes it harder. But, beating myself up about it will not achieve results, it has however fuelled me to take action now!

I've genuinely found this thread to be extremely useful and supportive.

Squeaky - I have googled those mini trampettes and am currently watching one on Ebay - ready to pounce! thanks :-)

Velvet - very interesting regarding your children's eating habits! My daughter eats way past full too. Such a shame also that their secondary school don't provide more opportunities for sports!? or is it that your sons' don't want to? Work full time is hard isn't it.

I feel guilty that I'm around, but not around if that makes sense, because I work from home.

How on earth can you be a failure when you are intending to do the best you can about this. Hope you get things sorted out soon.

You arent a failure... stop beating yourself up over it. With the lighter nights and warmer weather coming, now is the perfect time to get into a new lifestyle.

I would suggest perhaps giving her a drink of water before or with her dinner so that she does feel full before she over eats.

Up, honestly please don't feel a failure! None of us are perfect parents, everyone gets stuff wrong, it's just some things are more visible than others. The great thing is, you are trying to do something about it, and that your DD is young enough that hopefully you can deal with it without it becoming a big, negative issue.

I wish I'd done something about my DS's weight 3-4 years ago or so when he was going from stocky to chubby. I didn't, and now he is nearly 15 it is so much harder to tackle. The sports thing I think is because the school is so poor academically they are really pushing that side of things, at the expense of sports. The head of PE said to DS when he started at the school that he'd make a perfect rugby player if only they had a team!

It can be so difficult to know what the right thing to do is, especially since advice will be quite varied (as this thread indicates). I think your plans are great. I would also suggest getting rid of the scooter and walking to and from school. It may not seem like much exercise, but every little bit helps, especially as your DD has a relatively sedentary life. I'd also encourage her to go out and play at school rather than join the drawing club. Maybe suggest the club once a week and the other days participate in more physical activities?

Good luck. You're not a failure, you're a concerned mother who has seen an issue to work on and is taking steps toward a solution. That's a success in my book!

Just tweak it:

Breakfast either 1.5 weetabix or small bowl of Rice Krispies (approx the amount you would get in a variety pack) with skimmed milk and a slice of granary toast with flora

No point in rice krispies, you might as well just give her a bowl of white sugar. However, with the weetbix. Add a dollop of full cream yoghurt and you can get ground up lsa (linseed, soy, almonds) from the health food shop. Throw in a banana and maybe a squidge of honey, and it is yum. If having toast (instead not as well as) whack some peanut butter on there (or other nut butter)

Mid day snack - could be organix snack bar or nature valley oats and honey bar or a piece of fruit.

Once again, pretty much just sugar, absolutely keep the fruit, but maybe some cheese or something?

Lunch, a low fat cheese spread sandwich on granary (only filling she'll eat), some blueberries or raspberries or grapes, an apple, a fromage frais and carrot sticks. Also, she will have an innocent smoothie.

Full fat cheese spread (and plenty of it), darkest bread you can get (with seeds), drop the fromage frais, grapes and smoothie, more carrots and maybe some other veg that are nice to eat raw.

After school, a rice cake and some fruit

We don't really do snacks after school, if they ask they can have an apple, but I don't offer

Dinner could be pasta and sausages/fish fingers/cod/chicken, could be rice dish or bolognaise (I mostly cook from scratch - no jars) she eats veg with each meal.

Increase her protein portion while reducing the carb portion, say with bolognaise. Add grated veg to the meat (carrot, zucchini whatever), whack in a can of beans certainly don't put sugar in the sauce (which is a very strange English activity I encountered while I was there!), give her more of the bolognaise and less of the spaghetti, maybe a little grated cheese on top, with sausages, buy good ones with as little 'fillers' as possible, a couple of those, plenty of veg (broccoli, peas, corn etc) maybe some mash, but make it good mash with butter and cream and have less of it, so lots and lots of non starchy veg, a good portion of protein and a little bit of nice mash

After dinner until bed any snacks are basically fruit or rice cakes/breadsticks.

No after dinner snacks, completely unnecessary and just going to get stored as fat.

DH and I are both prone to packing it on if we don't pay attention. So we pay attention to both our's and the kid's diets. I have PCOS and carbs fuck me up.

Say 'yes' sometimes to sweets/treats but make sure they actually are a treat every now and again - not something that happens all the time.

Up, from what you've said, it sounds like it's most likely to be your DD's lack of activity that's causing her to be over weight: at 6, she should be vigorously active for at least an hour a day...

But I do think it is worth talking to your GP about whether she needs a referral to an endocrine specialist. PCOS can run in families, so it's possible your DD has it too; and although it's unlikely she'd get a diagnosis before puberty, obesity and insulin resistance are early signs that can start before puberty ( reference ) ... I reckon it's worth getting this checked out.

Get her a trampoline maybe, if that's an option. Or skates. Or a skipping rope. I think it's good to try as many activities as possible and stick to the ones she like.

Young children needed full fat milk for the calorie content when they were growing at their fasted. Older children do not need these calories as they get it from other foods.

Calcium content is the same.

Change to skimmed milk and low fat cheese, yoghurts, spreads etc