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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's bloody rude to send your DC to a birthday party with NO card or present for the birthday child?

289 replies

ScaredyKnickers · 08/03/2013 10:44

This has happened a few times now with different parties for my DC where one or two of the invitees have turned without even a card. On one occasion, the parent had not even replied, DC just turned up empty handed. These parents have never struck me as struggling for money and card can cost only 50p anyway. I would never send my DCs to a birthday celebration without a card and a present. Smacks of 'can't be bothered' to me and complete arrogance.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ihategeorgeosborne · 08/03/2013 21:59

Let's just all agree not to buy presents. Life would be so much easier and then no one would feel bad.

MooMooSkit · 08/03/2013 22:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

alemci · 08/03/2013 22:01

I think it is awful. I remember one boy did it to my DS and he was meant to be a good friend. I wouldn't let my DC go to a party without a gift and card.

MadameDefarge · 08/03/2013 22:11

well i wouldnt either...but seriously have better things to do with my time than brood over the evilness of it all...other parents can be twats/thoughtless/ forgetful/broke...does it really bloody matter? kids have a good time. end of.

Schooldidi · 08/03/2013 22:11

I wouldn't let my dcs go to a party without a card or present. BUT I would rather have children at my dd's party without a card/present than not have many children come at all.

So I would consider myself rude, and would be a little surprised if it was somebody else but I don't think I'd get worked up about it tbh.

Dd2 is having a party tomorrow and there are 10 children coming, I know that there will be at least 3 who turn up with a token card rather than a present as their families are strapped for cash atm.

MadameDefarge · 08/03/2013 22:13

'one boy did it to my ds' no he didnt. his parents did. was said boy then judged and excluded?

ihategeorgeosborne · 08/03/2013 22:20

It is easily done though. People lead busy lives. I took dd to a party once and forgot the present. Had bought it and wrapped it up, just left in a rush and forgot. I couldn't take it later either as another parent picked up. I took it to school on Monday and the child in question opened it there and then. I don't know if he took it home or not. If anything like my dd it would have stayed in their locker all term. I hope the parents didn't think badly of me Hmm. I certainly wouldn't think badly of anyone who didn't come with a present to my dc parties. No one knows of anyone elses circumstances. There could be any explanation.

HollyBerryBush · 08/03/2013 22:20

OP - what would you prefer?

Inviting a child who cant afford a gift, knowing his parents will refuse the invitation, an know tht the child can' join in?

or as your Op suggests, you are just a bit grasping and its the presnet that coults rather then the childs enjoyment?

perhaps you should seek a better class of affluent parent to associate with your child?

alemci · 08/03/2013 22:23

He moved away and his mum contacted us out the blue when she returned to the area. she wanted us to look after him etc. I remember his grandparents turned up with him to the party early which was a bit much and then to come empty handed.

sorry but it just smacks of freeloading and lack of manners. this had happened at other dcs parties too. I know it isn't the kids fault but it only happened with him.

MadameDefarge · 08/03/2013 22:28

so you all gossiped about this poor little boy turning up at your parties without a present. nice.

alemci · 08/03/2013 22:30

absolutely. It's just not cricket. he was about 9 or 10

isn't that we are all doing on the thread.

MadameDefarge · 08/03/2013 22:35

just not cricket? seriously?

littlewhitebag · 08/03/2013 22:39

As the mother of girl aged 15 and 20 (years) you learn to take the rough with the smooth. Sometime children turn up with no gift. No biggie. Just let your DC enjoy the company. Honestly not worth worrying about.

MadameDefarge · 08/03/2013 22:40

and of course, at 9 ot 10 he was more than capable of managing his social life by himself. and getting a job if needs be to fulfil his social obligations in the present buying stakes.

HairyHandedTrucker · 08/03/2013 22:47

honestly people. buy your children things. Don't expect others to do so. you are not doing them a favor by having a party. you are doing something nice for your child by giving THEM a party. I can't think of anything worse than a load of random gifts. wish people would stop giving my kids shit...we're being over run as it is.

HairyHandedTrucker · 08/03/2013 22:49

almci you sound like a real charmer

headintheclouds · 08/03/2013 22:50

it really wouldnt bother me in the slightest. You dont throw a party to receive gifts YABU

StoicButStressed · 08/03/2013 22:55

Some of this just makes me want to weep.

WHO in God's name would want a child whose parent's couldn't afford a gift to have to, or be made to feel embarrassed enough to, etc etc etc that he/she could not join celebrating a friends birthday - & hopefully having a great time, as ALL DCs at birthday parties.

Clue is in the name:

BIRTHDAY party;

not GIFT GATHERING EXERCISE party.

As for "it's not cricket" - no idea what planet you're on other than very glad it's NOT one my DS's and I are on. And I hope for their sakes and their value systems as they grow that YOUR DC's aren't on it either.

MrsSchadenfreude · 08/03/2013 22:58

YABU. At DD1's party when she was about 6, we had a spin the bottle thing at the end, where when the bottle landed pointing at the child, DD1 had to open their present and say thank you. We had finished, when one child said "Where's Deirdre's present? She hasn't opened Deirdre's present." Deirdre's bottom lip started to wobble, as she clearly hadn't brought a gift. I grabbed a wrapped present that was going to be a prize from the hall table, and said quickly "Oh this must be it, did you leave it in the hall, Deirdre?" Cue vigorous nodding from Deirdre, DD1 opened the present, said thank you, and all happy. Deirdre was not British and had only recently arrived in the village, and I think this was probably her first birthday party.

Oh and we never did the spin the bottle thing again for presents!

louisianablue2000 · 08/03/2013 23:05

I would never send the children to a party without a card and present. Having said that I'm very much in the 'homemade card and token gift' group, now wondering what that makes people think about me! DD1 and her friends are always giving each other pictures and things, they love it. Plus I think it teaches the DCs more about what giving means to get them to decorate a card than to let me go out and buy one.

ThisIsMummyPig · 08/03/2013 23:06

So I had 2 kids arrive at my DDs party with no presents, no cards. Absolutely fine. I just wanted them to come and have a nice time.

Four weeks later I was at another party. One of those girls walked in with two presents for the birthday boy. I know for a fact she is not good friends with that boy. I have to say I was a bit Hmm about that

Gomez · 08/03/2013 23:08

So I have never sent my kids without a present cause frankly I have never, luckily, been on the bones of my arse. Would I give a flying monkey or deem it rude if a chile turned up with nothing no. Does it matter if the child's parents are getting pissed in the bar ? No 'cause I assume she/he has no control over their parents spending.

So you YABU.

I would bet, or indeed hope, your DC don't give a shit either. I have a party to spend time with my friends and hope my children feel the same.

ZenNudist · 08/03/2013 23:24

I don't care if people bring presents. Also I hate cards and genuinely don't get why people buy them, except as an oversized gift tag or as 'proof' of the present they came with!

Im teaching my dc that its the friends and the company and the fun that's important. Maybe I feel like that as I was brought up by frugal parents, friends families in the same boat. I don't remember presents being a thing when I was a child, but u still remember the party games and the party bags! Sleeping lions and sausages on sticks!

Oh, YABU btw but thanks for the heads up that some people genuinely want extra tat for their overstuffed toy boxes.

INeverSaidThat · 08/03/2013 23:38

Isn't it funny how nobody (hardly) thinks it is rude for a DC to come to a party without a present but that nobody (hardly) would send their child without a present. Confused

GreenEggsAndNichts · 08/03/2013 23:53

I love these sort of threads.

I wouldn't notice if someone didn't bring a gift to DS's party. Thankfully, he wouldn't, either. I'm the one who keeps track of gifts for thank-yous when he tears through them. I don't then go back and compare it to the invite list. Grin I just thank those who brought things and move on.

DS's favourite gift from his party last year was a little Matchbox-sized digger. The parents apologised twice for getting something so small. I reassured them that it was perfect, and honestly I wished everyone had just bought little cars.

I love when they make homemade cards.

As for weddings, because some people have brought them up: some of my best friends didn't buy us gifts for our wedding. However, they continue to always be there for me, and put us up in their lovely house for days at a time when we're back home. I know if I ever needed anything, they would be there for me. They are usually generous with gifts and/or thoughtful things. However, we were married at a bad financial time for them. Things happen.