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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's bloody rude to send your DC to a birthday party with NO card or present for the birthday child?

289 replies

ScaredyKnickers · 08/03/2013 10:44

This has happened a few times now with different parties for my DC where one or two of the invitees have turned without even a card. On one occasion, the parent had not even replied, DC just turned up empty handed. These parents have never struck me as struggling for money and card can cost only 50p anyway. I would never send my DCs to a birthday celebration without a card and a present. Smacks of 'can't be bothered' to me and complete arrogance.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenEggsAndNichts · 08/03/2013 23:59

INeverSaidThat well. Because, I think in an ideal world, we could all easily afford lovely gifts for the birthday child. Ideally, I would not send my DS to a party without a gift.

I would probably also rather not send him to a party if we couldn't afford a gift, rather than have some judgypants gossip about it to her mates.

And that is the rub- I would hate for someone to be in that position. The child should come enjoy the party, even if the parents are strapped for cash. In fact, that child probably especially should come to the party.

So, that is why we're answering that way. At least, that's why I am. :)

mummabug · 09/03/2013 00:07

alemci

'one boy did it to my ds' - DID IT to your DS? Did what? Not bringing a present is not some sort of attack on your DS that will scar him. Nothing was DONE to your DS.

^'..turned up with him to the party early which was a bit much and then to come empty handed.

sorry but it just smacks of freeloading and lack of manners'^

To come empty handed????? Freeloading?????

My DD is 4 and hasn't been invited to any of these 'parties yet', glad I am getting this education on the attitudes of some mothers and their offsprings birthday parties.

Basically that it is a privilege to be invited and woe betide you should your child come 'emptyhanded' or 'freeload' on the wonderful party. Present/Card = suitable entry fee.

practicality · 09/03/2013 00:24

Actually when I have had birthday teas I have asked that children do not bring presents as I think holding a party and enjoying a good time with friends is gift enough for my child.

I don't do party bags either. I think that going to a party is a treat enough for the children. I give them a bit of cake to take home.

Everyone has a good time. That's what matters.

mummabug · 09/03/2013 00:29

practicality you have great values and so will your DCs! Just cannot comprehend the attitudes of some of these mums about what is basically an entry fee to their children's parties.

HairyHandedTrucker · 09/03/2013 00:42

Maybe it's because we know our children will be judged for not having paid the entrance fee brought a gift? Before reading the thread though if I was too broke to buy a gift I'd have sent DC. would think twice now. Not embarrassed for myself but would hate for my.children to made to feel shitSad

TheCatInTheHairnet · 09/03/2013 00:45

I couldn't care less if someone didn't bring a present to my children's parties. They get enough as it is. I would always take something to someone else's but that's because I can!

JockTamsonsBairns · 09/03/2013 00:51

After six years on Mumsnet, it's threads like this that make me think I've had enough.

When I left my ex-dh many years ago, I was utterly skint. Dd1 (now15) was invited to a classmate's party, and I remember having 13p to last me six days. Some posters are saying 'Oh just bring a handmade card'.. Christ, we didn't have as much as a plain piece of paper. My lovely daughter would have loved to have gone to the party, but I was too embarassed to send her - she didn't even have party clothes to wear, nor would I have been able to give her a card or a present to bring.

Fast forward about ten years, I just want my Dc's to have a good time at their parties, surrounded by their friends. I'm glad I've brought them up to realise that people's circumstances can be difficult, and that showing up without a present doesn't equal rudeness. I'm so proud of them for that.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 09/03/2013 01:00

Jock, your DD would have been welcome to my kid's party any day. But they would have been equally welcome if you were a millionaire and didn't bring a present. Parties should be about you, as a host, giving. Not receiving.

PlinkyLove · 09/03/2013 01:25

a lot of the parties we go to the presents get dumped somewhere. The people who brought those presents receive no acknowledgement. You might have thought really carefully about what that child might like to receive. You may have buggered yourself slightly with what you paid for the thing. And yet you will have received no thanks, no comment no nothing. So, next time, I really won't bother. Fuck it.

differentnameforthis · 09/03/2013 07:44

I invite people to parties because my daughters want to spend time with them, not because I expect her to get extra gifts.

idiot55 · 09/03/2013 07:55

I think its happened to us but Im not really sure because it doesnt bother me.

What does bother me is people pleading poverty but still able to afford the latest tv, games console, alcohol and cigarettes while their child goes without necessities. ( which has nothing to do with party presents, apologies for rant!)

noddyholder · 09/03/2013 07:56

Yes you are

Altinkum · 09/03/2013 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji · 09/03/2013 08:07

Personally, I'd have been happy to tell DS's guests not to bring anything, except if nobody brought any gifts he might feel like "the only boy who didn't get gifts at his birthday party".
But I'll be very happy to have guests not bringing anything.

Lueji · 09/03/2013 08:12

Also about piles of presents, sometimes you may have spent a long time considering the present, etc, and you still get it wrong.
Sometimes it's more charitable not to let guests see disappointment in the children's faces. :)

And I don't care about special thanks. Presents are usually thanked when received and that's good enough, a least for me.

Eastpoint · 09/03/2013 08:20

My children make cards if we have time, if not we use a bought one. They like receiving home made cards as they are usually more personal. As I am very old & uptight they have always written thank you letters for presents received at parties, if someone has made the effort to go shopping & wrap up a present and then come to a party to celebrate the anniversary my child's birth it is hard to justify the recipient not writing a note thanking the donor for coming to the party and bringing a gift.

A box of malteasers is an excellent present in our eyes and available for £1 at our local poundshop.

AlwaysWashing · 09/03/2013 08:38

It'd be so nice if there was an unwritten rule that ALL children's birthday parties were gift free zones and was just about them charging around, playing games and eating cake for an afternoon.

A handmade card would be really nice and it would take the pressure off the how much to spend issue and our DC wouldn't end up with a load of unnecessary guff that they didn't want, need or appreciate.

I think YABU but only under "the done thing" circumstances.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 09/03/2013 09:54

We're all different, we all have different ideas, incomes, outlooks on life etc .......
I send my kids with presents and cards but equally when other people don't it really doesn't bother me. Don't let it bother you. Welcome the child to the party and don't tell a soul they didn't bring anything. In the big scheme of things....who cares?
The child may feel mortified of turning up empty handed so leave it......x

crashdoll · 09/03/2013 10:27

"Isn't it funny how nobody (hardly) thinks it is rude for a DC to come to a party without a present but that nobody (hardly) would send their child without a present."

People on this thread have said they wouldn't send their children because they were embarrassed. Some people on this thread have judged a lot which is why those parents won't send their children. :(

alemci · 09/03/2013 12:06

Mummabug

that is the done thing and it has never been any different. perhaps things have changed but I still think it is rude. He came to another party previously and the mum did give my son a belated present. Also the parents never hosted a party themselves. I am sure my son couldn't care less but it annoyed me.

mummabug · 09/03/2013 16:01

Alemci, I'm very sorry I know you are a many-dimensioned and probably good person, but the fact that you were annoyed he turned up early, and use the terms 'freeloading' and 'empty handed' in any sort of reference at all to a childrens party does not shed you in a very good light in this instance, IMO.

Your views on it seem cold/harsh and mean spirited. Seems very ungenerous to resent the parents for not hosting a party or paying entry fee to your son's party. Why begrudge their child and yours a nice time at your party because their child has not paid for the privilege?

If it is the 'done thing' to always bring a present / card, why feel bitter if someone does not adhere to this 'social law'.

It's just.....ungenerous and mean, or at least seems that way to me.

alemci · 09/03/2013 17:54

fair enough Mummabug. i'm not bothered if you see me in a good light or not. As we are both aware it is an internet forum and I like to think I am multi faceted. I am being honest and agreeing with the original poster. it was a while back and my son is now 15. We didn't have a great deal of cash ourselves but we always tried to do nice parties for our kids and this particular one was a football party in a nearby sports centre.

i wouldn't say i feel bitter as I haven't thought about it for a long time but at the time I thought it was cheeky. I was not aware there were any financial issues for the family either. I know it is not the child's fault.

but there are people in life who do not return the favour or put themselves out for others and i think that child's parents fell into that category.

Schooldidi · 09/03/2013 20:17

Dd2 had a party today. She had 9 guests and recieved 5 presents (one of which was a 50p bag of sweets, her favourite present). She was thrilled!!! She would have been soooo disappointed if only the 5 who brought presents turned up, she really wanted everybody there to run around and have fun with.

I'm really glad all the friends she invited came, and didn't feel they couldn't come if they didn't bring a gift. Our house is full enough of toys as it is.

LatteLady · 09/03/2013 21:24

My proudest moment was when my Godson was 9, he decided on no prezzies or party bags... he asked for 50p from his friends to give to the local children's hospice after a child at his school was diagnosed with an osteosarcoma. He raised quite a bit and they set a trend in his class... all donations were given in blank envelopes so no-one knew who gave what.

kennyp · 09/03/2013 21:33

A friend of my daughters turned up without a present and i thought it was damned rude. Havent read the whole thread but have seen lots of bold and italics fonts so i am presuming you had lots of "you are unreasonable". I dont think you are.

I ranted about non present at daughters party for weeks afterwards. I thought it was bloody rude.