to think it's bloody rude to send your DC to a birthday party with NO card or present for the birthday child?

[ScaredyKnickers]

This has happened a few times now with different parties for my DC where one or two of the invitees have turned without even a card. On one occasion, the parent had not even replied, DC just turned up empty handed. These parents have never struck me as struggling for money and card can cost only 50p anyway. I would never send my DCs to a birthday celebration without a card and a present. Smacks of 'can't be bothered' to me and complete arrogance.

AIBU?

Well I certainly haven't come across this before. It is the usual thing to send a present and card no matter the cost or the worth. So somebody turned up without a card or present. Well it's unusual and not the 'done thing' but not the end of the world.

It's one of those situations where I personally wouldn't send my child empty handed but I couldn't careless if a child came to my DC's party without a card/ gift.

Sometimes declining an invitation wasn't a question of my pride dictating my DC would be denied fun or merriment, no host ever demanded an explanation - besides it wasn't the only invitation they'd get all year - I wouldn't define it as 'sad and strange' just a decision I took, hardly social life or death.

Regarding party bags: when DC bore these trophies home, a couple of times I did feel a pang when contents of aforementioned eclipsed a gift.

My DC's and their friends used to give home made cards out of choice. My kids have also been happy to receive second hand toys or books. I remember a much used and much loved 'rare' Magic Card being given to one of my DC's. I don't think you have to spend anything. (Except in rare circumstances)

My 15 year old DD and her friends give each other homemade cards and very inexpensive token presents, things like a £1 sweet. I think it is sweet and sensible of them. My DD could easily afford more (she babysits a lot) but in her circle of friends it is the giving of a little token present that is appreciated.

As a host I would not expect anything, too busy keeping kids happy and entertained but talking in general it is very rude not to bring anything not even a home made card. If you can make the effort to bring te kids to the party you can help your child make a card at home

I'm not fussed either way..I wouldnt be send my child with out anything but i wouldnt be bothered if kid turned up to my dc party with out anything and some have. I would just want to make sure all the kids and my dc had a great time and went home with lots of sugar cake and other crappy stuff

I've always been lucky enough to have always been able to send my children with a card and present to friends parties. When we have hosted a party for them presents and cards are never an expectation...that in my opinion is very rude. The best present you can give your children is to teach them to be kind , understanding and to cherish their friendships for what they are not for personal gain! The kids will remember their party forever, in my experience the "presents" are forgotten within 24 hours and the cards even sooner (after you have begged them to open them...kids really dont like cards!)

Wallinson - I invite you & the pleasure of your company, for an appointed ETA time (that time being AFTER you have read this) to please accept my invitation to peruse the pictures on my profile? And I very much look forward to your prompt RSVP (as anything else would be so rude...), & to your gift in return for that 'invitation' (as again, anything else in response to an invitation would also be so very rude. And yes, there IS a reason for that invitation; & a very, very, VERY huge reason.

You claim to have 'manners', yet you have been insulting and presumptive in THE most staggering of ways & - unless deliberately trolling - you are also appearing to be very thick in claiming to 'quote' me, yet write something that was no quote of what I had written? BarbarianMum, Mummabug, & LucyElllensMum95 - whilst agree with your comments and appreciate you pointing such obviousnesses out to the delightful and well-mannered Wallinson; trust me, I am well capable of responding directly to her/him/alien critter/utter moron myself.

WALLINSON I was very obviously & very clearly simply commenting on the nonsensical (& beyond both arrogant and thick) notion of others 'presuming' to 'know' what other's circumstances may be? [I.E. in direct context of OP's disgruntlement at lack of 'cards/presents']; and I used the analogy of MY circumstances THIS MONTH to illustrate it (even though am ACUTELY aware that there are very many people for whom this is reality EVERY month ).

I wrote that 'right now/this month'... 'am bricking it about getting to the end of the month re feeding kids and fuelling car, yet NOBODY who was dumb or shallow enough to 'look at me' would have a CLUE re my reality'. IE, again, VERY clearly in context of sentence that included right now/this month, so - setting aside the utter stupidity of it per se - your statement vis my having internet, & 'pissing about' on Mumsnet is both wildly misplaced and also, in it's very essence, beyond wrong per se. Mumsnet has been an utter life-saver to me over the past weeks/months so ipso facto, NOT a 'luxury' in any event (even if I wasn't simply referring to THIS MONTH/RIGHT NOW ).

So, since you 'have a bee in your bonnet at people spending money on luxuries' , and so very clearly mis-quoted my (pretty valid) comment/analogy, I'm just going to be VEREEEE straight with you, dear well-mannered Wallinson -

1. At NO point did I say my children are/would 'go hungry' (your words, not mine).

2. 'Not prioritising properly if they really can't afford to feed their kids' (again, your words not mine); mine were simply expressing a bricking it re this month food/fuel etc, and to reinforce how absurd it is for other to assume/presume/or make 'judgements' on people whose circumstances they know NOTHING about.

3. If I am 'pissing about' on Mumsnet by making a valid and on topic related observation, out of curiosity what does that make all YOU have written, given most of it has simply - and beyond ignorantly - been having making snide and rude remarks?

4. So, to directly respond to your having a 'bee in your bonnet at people spending money on luxuries while their kids go hungry - may I just point out the following?

i) Manifestly - even though bricking it re funds this month - my children will not and never have done or ever will do 'go hungry'

ii) The 'luxuries' I was spending money on was my Mumma's funeral (she passed away 19 days ago) on Tuesday. Hence knowing the rest of the month is going to be very, very tight in terms of budget.

iii) The invitation extended so politely to you is to please look at the pictures on my profile (placed there in context of, and for, the MN'ers who have been in constant - & invaluable in terms of support - dialogue with me throughout my Mother's horrific illness and then death), as they contain some of the beautiful and very personal 'her' things which I made sure she had for her final goodbye to us.

iv) Since you are SO aware & vocal of how rude it is to get an invitation and not furnish a gift, may I ask that you place your gift via the link below?

www.justgiving.com/Mumma

I look forward to seeing a Wallinson gift (even if 'just' the £1 it costs for a card but which others may STILL not be able to afford) in the list of donations when I return from picking up my - very well fed but utterly heartbroken at the loss of their beloved Nanny (as you will see from the candle I had made for her) and the updates on page about THEIR involvement in her funeral 3 days ago - DS's from school.

And if their is no gift, especially in the context of your quite horrendous comments and your claims to being so well-mannered, do please be aware that the only person that will reflect on is you.

Regards,
Stoic.

Quite a few of the 30 or so kids that came to DS's 6th party didnt bring gifts/cards, and I didn't expect them to.

You invite the guests to help celebrate with your child and make their birthday special, not to get more presents!

One dad actually came and gave me £10 over a month after DS's birthday, he apologised for not getting him a gift (from is DS) for the party but explained that he had been really low on funds that month, I told him that he really didnt need to, that DS was just happy that he had come, but the dad insisted that I took the money to get DS something special. I though that was very sweet and unnecessary of him.

stoic. excellent post, sorry for your loss, it is clear from your profile you have taught your children the important things in life.

stoic

to be honest stoic, i was just throwing my two penneth in on my own behalf, but next time i need someone to stick up for ME, im gonna come and find you :)

everlong if things were that bad I didn't have 50p for a birthday card I'd def want my DC to enjoy themselves and have some fun with their friends at a party!

wow this turned nasty pretty quickley!

Stoic, I am sorry for your loss and hope you find peace.

Not replying to an invite=definately rude.

Turning up without a gift or card= still a bit off but I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Can I also add to the list: turning up without replying PLUS bringing along another child, not a sibling, and asking/stating "You don't mind x coming along as well?" Absolutly the height of bad manners, especially when x takes a place at the pre-set table ensuring another child is without a seat!!!!

While I would not personally have sent my child to a party without a gift and card, I would not be bothered if for whatever reason someone had turned up without a gift to my own childs part.

Most of the kids parties we've been invited to over the past 2 yrs in LA have had printed on the invitations (or in the email invitations) - NO GIFTS PLEASE.
So there you go.

Yes of course there may be exceptional circumstances sometimes and of course you can't know that. But I cannot believe that every single child who turns up, having failed to rsvp, with no gift and not even a token effort at a card, is from a family that's recently gone through turmoil. Sadly there are just too many for that to be the case. It's far more likely that the parents are too slack to have bothered, and the example they've set their children is being followed by them.

I would presume the family didn't have enough money, rather than thinking it was 'bloody rude'. In any case it isn't the child's fault is it?

To be honest, there are months where we are very, very tight, but I don't like people in 'real-life' knowing this. I would find some way of sending my child with a card and tiny gift, or not send them. Would be too embarrassed to send my child empty-handed.

After 4 DC and what seems like years of never-ending parties this happened enough to notice. While I would never ever respond any differently to the invited child (like others i would actually be relieved really as the amount of presents does get ridiculous) but I would wonder if the family was okay simply because it is such an expected convention to bring a card to a child's birthday party.

What I noticed in hindsight though, was often the reasons behind no gift, no card or even no RSVP were very rarely just about finances often it would come out later the family were going through a tough time; relationship issues, mental illness, bereavement, health problems, SN issues. I think very few families can't manage a home-made card for financial reasons but plenty of families have other stuff going on behind closed-doors that make even these small conventions slide off their radar at times.

YABU an invitation asks for nothing but the child's presence it's presumptuous to expect a gift in return.
Dd has often had guests at her party who came empty handed, she never notices and I don't judge and have still invited these children the following year. I send thank you notes to all regardless thanking them for making her birthday special.
I would hate to think any of her her friends wouldn't come to her party because they hadn't a gift to bring tbh.

I too would be embarrassed to send a dc empty handed to a party. A hand drawn card costs nothing and shows thought and consideration. Not bothered about a gift particularly.