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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I was wrong to have a child out of wedlock?

83 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 08/03/2013 04:19

My son was born from a relationship between his dad and I when I was unmarried when we were very young. I was in my mid teens Blush. His dad left me when he was 6 months old. Subsequent to this both of us have moved on and now we are married with different partners. My son's father seems to always be putting his children with his wife before him. Eg when my son was in hospital with a serious illness he wasn't there because his other child had their first day at school. He did not in fact visit him the whole time he was in the hospital.
Aibu to think that my son would have a more stable relationship with his father if we had been married, would my son have meant more to his dad if our relationship had been more "official".
Sorry, my son has been let down by his dad for the millionth time and I am so upset about it and trying to think of reasons why he is such an arse to him and not to his children born from the marriage to his wife.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 08/03/2013 04:24

I think YABU. Marriage doesn't change tossers into good men.
your ex sounds like a tosser.

HollyBerryBush · 08/03/2013 04:24

I think it's more to do with age rather than being married.

You were both very young, and I assume your son wasn't a planned baby?

Therefore the resentment is there that he was 'trapped' into fatherhood rather than choosing it.

Difficult to say when you don't give the ages involved.

BarbarianMum · 08/03/2013 04:29

I don't think it would have made any difference tbh, so don't use it as a stick to beat yourself with.

Being married would have given you more protection under the law but it wouldn't have changed the quality of his parenting.

Sorry he's being so rubbish. Luckily this sort of attitude isn't hereditary and your son will grow into a lovely man (and maybe one day father) even if his dad is a git.

mathanxiety · 08/03/2013 04:43

Marriage wouldn't have made a difference. It is maturity that counts - a sense of responsibility. That doesn't necessarily come with age, but being out of your teens (and maybe even being past your mid twenties) when you have your children helps. If a man has it in him to walk out on his 6 month old son and the mother of that child he is going to do it married or not.

Iheartpasties · 08/03/2013 04:53

aww, don't beat yourself up over it. if hes a toss pot he's a toss pot. you should feel glad you're not married to him really, he sounds awful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2013 05:42

trying to think of reasons why he is such an arse to him and blame yourself, which isn't healthy. He's a wanker, being married to him would have meant you would have been married to a wanker.

CloudsAndTrees · 08/03/2013 07:51

He's an arse to your son because he's an arse full stop.

I know it must be difficult, and hurtful for you to see that your son is being treated this way, but it's not because he was born out of wedlock. There are plenty of unmarried fathers that are brilliant.

You are blaming yourself for the actions of someone else that you have no control over.

EasilyBored · 08/03/2013 07:55

Him being a shit dad is not your fault for not marrying him. It's his fault for being an arsehole. Don't best yourself up about it, please.

Tailtwister · 08/03/2013 07:56

I agree with others, that being married make someone a good person. In fact, if you had been married it might have prolonged what would likely have been a miserable relationship for you and your son.

You can't make this man into a good father. I'm sorry he's letting your son down, but you must realise his poor behaviour isn't your fault.

ParsleyTheLioness · 08/03/2013 07:57

I had dd with someone I was married to for almost 20yrs. Didn't stop him being an arse. He is now XH.

MammaTJ · 08/03/2013 08:05

I had my DD with my then H after two years of marriage.

Can't blame age either as I was in my mid 20'2 when we wed and he was on his mid 30's.

After 10 years of marriage, he left me for someone else.

When a couple of years later she had appendicitis, he did not visit her in hospital.

He didn't have the excuse of having other DC either.

BinarySolo · 08/03/2013 08:06

Agree with everyone else. Most likely it's because he was young and has also 'moved on' with a new family so he putting them first. Very poor that he didn't manage to visit your ds in hospital.

He sounds like a cock and that you had a lucky escape by not marrying him.

poachedeggs · 08/03/2013 08:10

Marriage wouldn't have turned your ex into a reasonable, fair man.

I had both of my DC "out of wedlock" and I couldn't have given less of a flying fuck. We've since married, prompted by family illness, and it's nice but hasn't changed anything fundamental.

Your ex behaves like a jerk. In this situation you should be grateful you're not married to him, not remorseful!

pictish · 08/03/2013 08:13

Well given that he was too irresponsible and immature to be a father, he would've been too irresponsible and immature to be a good husband too.
It would have made no difference being married at all, except it would've been harder to extricate yourself from his arseholery.

Floggingmolly · 08/03/2013 08:35

Do you think you'd still be together if you'd married; or do you just mean you'd both get more respect from your son's father if you'd been "official"?
I doubt it would have made the slightest difference, if he's a spineless tosser nothing you could have done would have changed that.

Skullnbones · 08/03/2013 08:36

What everyone else said. Your ex would still have been a prat, married or otherwise.

GalaxyDefender · 08/03/2013 08:49

Trust me on this, it's because your ex is an arse. I'm sure that once my ex finds someone else he will be exactly the same, because he too is an arse. It's just a personality thing, nothing to do with marriage.

You should probably be glad you didn't get married to him. Sounds like you had a lucky escape!

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 09:10

I dunno, this depends whether you want your ex to be a father to your DS all the time or just when it suits you. You have a new partner. Which one do you see as your DS's dad, honestly? Not biologically, but relationship wise. Who will accompany you to your DS's school events, parents evenings etc. Will you be asking your ex rather than your new partner?

MorrisZapp · 08/03/2013 09:14

Look. Don't fall into the hideous trap of imagining marriage as some kind of magic wand that erases men's failings and turns rubbish relationships into wonderful ones.

I know too many grown up, intelligent women who think like this. Don't kid yourself. You'd have made your life a lot worse by marrying this loser.

TroublesomeEx · 08/03/2013 09:14

What pictish said is exactly right.

Trills · 08/03/2013 09:18

trying to think of reasons why he is such an arse to him and not to his children born from the marriage to his wife.

Because there are levels of arse.

There are men who are good fathers regardless of whether they are still with the mother of their children.
There are men who are bad fathers regardless of whether they are still with the mother of their children.
And there are men who are better or worse fathers depending on the circumstances.

YABU to think that "wedlock" is the thing that is missing here. It's more likely that "having chosen to have these children" and "living with them and their mother" and "not having been 15 at the time" are what prompts him to restrict his arseishness.

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 09:27

It is a bit rich though to presume this man is an arse having only heard one tiny part of the story from one side only.

Ginebra · 08/03/2013 09:30

I struggle with this, not the marriage part, but my part in having brought children in to the World with a man who is angry, controlling, misogynist, mean, mean-spirited. I have to just accept that I did that. It was a huge mistake, I've learnt from it. What can you do?

Catchingmockingbirds · 08/03/2013 09:32

Yabu, sadly I think he'd behave just the same towards him whether you were given a ring or not.

Trills · 08/03/2013 09:32

We only ever get one side of the story gaelicsheep - unless we get more details we have to give advice assuming that what the OP has said is true.