to think I was wrong to have a child out of wedlock?

[TacticalWheelbarrow]

My son was born from a relationship between his dad and I when I was unmarried when we were very young. I was in my mid teens . His dad left me when he was 6 months old. Subsequent to this both of us have moved on and now we are married with different partners. My son's father seems to always be putting his children with his wife before him. Eg when my son was in hospital with a serious illness he wasn't there because his other child had their first day at school. He did not in fact visit him the whole time he was in the hospital.
Aibu to think that my son would have a more stable relationship with his father if we had been married, would my son have meant more to his dad if our relationship had been more "official".
Sorry, my son has been let down by his dad for the millionth time and I am so upset about it and trying to think of reasons why he is such an arse to him and not to his children born from the marriage to his wife.

IME alot of fathers see their current wife/partner and any children they have with them as their main priority. That doesnt mean that any children they had with someone else arent a priority it just means that they are not the main priority and dont come before his current wife and the children he has with her.

This happens alot.

Gaelicsheep

I agree with everything you ve written

Garlicsheep seems to be talking about something else entirely. A totally different set of people known to HER. I think you should start your own thread/?

The OP is talking about her own experiences and Garlicsheep is clearly getting confused and posting as though the OP her husband's former partner. HOw anybody can agree with garlicsheep on this basis is baffling.

Sheep makes some very good points

I think choosing a first day of school over a sick child in hospital says much about his priorities. Both are important events, but the fact he didn't make it to the hospital 'the whole time he was in the hospital' speaks volumes about what a shit he is. Yes, there's my bitter and twisted judgement.
OP was wondering whether being married would have made a difference to his attitude and the resounding answer is 'no'.

Your ex is an arse.

It is FAR more likely that he is only interested in the children for the time he is banging the mother.

If his marriage fails, I would imagine he would be a shit dad to those kids too.

If he hooked up with a woman who already had children - he'd probably transfer his Dadness to them.

I can't say this is true, obviously, it's just a guess based on men I have known who walk away from their kids when a relationship ends and play the doting dad to any they are currently living in the same house as.

YABU You only have to look on here and read stores about ex husbands not bothering with their kids when the marriage ends to know it doesn't make any difference. It's not the relationship status that's the problem it's your son's father who is.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

YABU marriage does not a good dad make.

I don't think having a baby out of wedlock (rather quaint phrase) is the problem, it's the man himself.

Marriage doesn't turn an irresponsible waster into good father material. Just read some of the threads on here for starters.

Don't take responsibility for his behaviour OP. You haven't done anything wrong, the problem lies with him, not you.

Some men aren't interested in the children of their previous partner regardless of whether they were married to the person or not. I know of several of these situations. So I don't think you should be worrying about this now. I agree that you should be thankful you didn't marry him.

Marrying an asshole doesnt stop them being an asshole. It just means youre now married to a married asshole

No, the OP has mentioned one example, one-sided of course, has failed to provide any more detail and the majority of you are jumping to fatuous conclusions.

Gaelic - do we ever get a full 360 of the scenario on AIBU?
OK, so you have a DP who may not get access to his child, but that doesn't make OP an obstructive mother.
What she's asking suggests the complete opposite and I think you're missing the point. Her DC's father made no effort to visit his Son. I can't think why anyone would defend that!

Who says he made no effort? I've already outlined several possible scenarios.

Being a father is more than or nothing to do with being married to the child's mother. It's not your fault.

OK I concede that had the OP been married to her ex in the past it would more than likely not have changed the circumstances that led to him not attending the hospital, whatever they were.

That better? It's kind of obvious.

Sorry I haven't been back to the thread but have been so busy today, DH is taking over bath and bedtime :).
Just to clarify I was 14 when I fell pregnant my son's dad was 16. I know we were too young to get married and to commit but I still can't help thinking of the what ifs (like if we had been older and married would DS mean more to him).
My ex has always been a bit of a part time dad, maybe he was embarrassed by having a kid so young.
I have posted threads about DS and his relationship before, but can't find them to link.
The most recent was in December, my DS was promised by his dad that he would spend Xmas at his house with his wife and other kids. DS beside himself with excitement as had never spent Xmas with his dad (not because I didn't allow it but because ex never asked). Then weeks before Xmas he told me him and his family were spending Xmas away and couldn't afford to take DS. He even asked my to tell DS as he didn't have the balls to do it himself. Cue a very distraught little boy weeks before Xmas.
I try my hardest to encourage a relationship between DS and his father, I even invite ex's other kids to DS's birthday partys as I feel it's important his siblings be there, they have never come. DS does not get a birthday card from my ex saying "son" just a generic one, it's a small thing but still hurts.
He does treat his children from his marriage better than our son, it makes me sick. I blame myself and I know I shouldn't but i guess it's a natural reaction for a parent to feel that way when your child is suffering from mistakes made in your past.

Sorry for the long post but I felt I needed to clarify things.

And I am married now and have a DD with my husband, when I look at the lovely relationship DH has with DD I can't help but compare it to the one my son has with his dad. I sometimes think that maybe it is because I am in a stable relationship and married, I blame myself that that wasn't the circumstance with my ex.

My dad was like this over his second marriage and children resulting from it - always came before my sister and I. And my parents were married when I was born, so in my experience, it makes no difference.

I think some men just compartmentalise. It's sad :(

I know that I

YABU, I got pregnant after being with bf for a few months, we were both at uni and party animals.

We both grew up, supported each other and raised DD together. We're still together and bf is now DH.

Agree with pp, being married to him wouldn't have made him less of a twat.

Gaelic, OP signs off with 'My Son has just been let down for the millionth time*.
Does she really need to list every misdemeanour when she's not actually posting a whinge about him as much as she's wondering if marriage would have made them closer?
It's unfortunate that you are clearly weaving her situation into your own which sounds very different! This isn't about your DP!

tactical stop blaming yourself.
From reading your more recent posts, the father needs a kick in the nuts and I'd do it for you.
Gaelic, I hope now you will stop defending a blummin' lousy father.