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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I was wrong to have a child out of wedlock?

83 replies

TacticalWheelbarrow · 08/03/2013 04:19

My son was born from a relationship between his dad and I when I was unmarried when we were very young. I was in my mid teens . His dad left me when he was 6 months old. Subsequent to this both of us have moved on and now we are married with different partners. My son's father seems to always be putting his children with his wife before him. Eg when my son was in hospital with a serious illness he wasn't there because his other child had their first day at school. He did not in fact visit him the whole time he was in the hospital.
Aibu to think that my son would have a more stable relationship with his father if we had been married, would my son have meant more to his dad if our relationship had been more "official".
Sorry, my son has been let down by his dad for the millionth time and I am so upset about it and trying to think of reasons why he is such an arse to him and not to his children born from the marriage to his wife.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 08/03/2013 09:33

He is a box dweller

He has a neat little package of wife and two veg, your son makes his ife untidy

thank GOD you didn't marry the bastard.

Lots of people are like this unfortunately, and not just men.

pictish · 08/03/2013 09:36

gaelicsheep I hear you...but if we just said 'dunno..' to every thread the site would be pretty dull.
I assume most of us are working on the premise that any father who through his own choice, neglects his own child, is an arse one way or another.

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 09:52

As I said it depends whether the OP's DS is "his" child all the time, or just when it suits her. Since she is married I can't imagine he is welcomed with open arms to play happy families whenever he likes. Until the OP answers that point I shall assume she is BU.

Kazooblue · 08/03/2013 09:56

Sorry he does sound like an arse.

We've been happily unmarried for 23 years and have 3 dc.Dp is an amazing dad.Marital status has nothing to do with how you fare as a parent( you sadly get many married crap parents).

So sorry for your son,at least he has you.

Less of the at having your dc unmarried, there is absolutely nothing to feel about.

Ashoething · 08/03/2013 09:56

I can see where you are coming from op-I believe that is is far harder for a man to walk away legally from his dcs if he is married rather than just a partner. I have strong feelings which may be clouding my judgement on this though as my mum who had a long term partner who walked away from his dc-my sister.

pictish · 08/03/2013 09:57

Their son was hospitalised with a serious illness, and his father did not visit him once.
But you will assume the OP is BU.

Fine. It takes all sorts, as they say.

maddening · 08/03/2013 09:58

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and obviously it is more ideal to have dc when you're in a stable relationship and are settled etc etc. But marriage or stable relationship is no guarantee.

But you have your beautiful dc now so no point doing the what if's. Work on the what now and what next :)

Sallyingforth · 08/03/2013 10:09

Very few male teenagers are mature enough to be proper fathers. If you had married him it would have been no different.

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 10:24

Does he live nearby or at the other end of the country?
How long was her son in hospital?
Did he feel comfortable being there or did he feel, or would he have been made to feel, he was imposing?
Does he have a relationship with his DS such that his presence would have been helpful and wanted by the child?

All these things are yet to be specified, yet you assume he is an arse.

motherinferior · 08/03/2013 10:27

Definitely sounds like an arse to me.

mrsjay · 08/03/2013 10:28

married dads doesn't mean good dads I am sorry your sons dad is such an uncaring arsehole

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 10:32

My DH's DD was ill in hospital and he didn't visit her. What an arse right? Except he was of so little value to his ex apart from as the maintenance train that she never told him.

It takes all sorts.

mrsjay · 08/03/2013 10:35

It isnt about an ex though it is about their children I understand things can get heated and nasty amongst parents but TBh it really is the children who suffer in the long run children dont understand about money or other siblings children only think their absent parents dont care about them

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 10:37

Many absent parents are not allowed to show they care.

Eebahgum · 08/03/2013 10:40

There are plenty of women who have children within a stable marriage, it breaks down and their ex turns out to be a complete twat regarding the children. There are also plenty of women who have children out of wedlock with loving carrying partners who are fantastic dads. Your issues with your ex are nothing to do with marriage.

scaevola · 08/03/2013 10:42

OP is NBU to think her ex is an arse.

But I think she is BU to think that he would have been any less of an arse if they had been married then divorced, rather than partners who had split.

ouryve · 08/03/2013 10:43

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Do you really think he'd be any different if you'd married him, despite you clearly not being cut out to be a couple for life?

His relationship with the children he spends almost every day with is naturally going to be closer. Harsh as it sounds, I think it would be better for you and your DS to work on the relationship with his stepdad. If your DS does want a relationship with his sperm donor, then don't stand completely in his way, but don't let him get his hopes up, either.

My niece's father is very similar and she's 12 now and views him with nothing but derision. She had to make up her own mind, though.

WeAreEternal · 08/03/2013 10:46

Marriage doesn't change tossers into good men.
your ex sounds like a tosser.

THIS^^

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 08/03/2013 10:46

YABU

My dad became a father for the first time at 33 to a very wanted baby and had been married to my mum for 10 years by then. they had me a couple of years later and do you know what? He a total arse when he and my mum split up. a rotten father to us and put his new kids by his new wife first all the time. we didnt get a look in.

It has fuck all to do with marriage and everything to do with him being an arse in general imo.

BigBoobiedBertha · 08/03/2013 10:49

Yes Yabu to think marriage would make a difference. Being older might have done, being married wouldn't.

I have to agree with Gaelicsheep though - apart from agreeing marriage wouldn't have made any difference we don't have enough information about the man to make a judgement on him. There may be a good reason why he couldn't go to the hospital. Naturally the OP wouldn't say if she has done anything to discourage him or make things difficult. Why would she - we aren't meant to be judging her, just whether or not they would have been better off married.

You also don't know if he isn't a different kind of arse to his wife and children and in fact he is just all round a bad father. You assume he treats his other children better because he lives with them. Maybe he doesn't.

thezebrawearspurple · 08/03/2013 11:26

Marriage is just a legal contract, it makes no difference, age and commitment do.

Snoopingforsoup · 08/03/2013 11:41

He's just a rotter I'm afraid.
If it is any consolation, my DH is a great man. His parents divorced when he was two. His real father went on to re-marry and have two further children. To this day, those two take priority and DH is an afterthought. I can't stand the in-laws as a result. He gets on OK with his dad and half-siblings, but they make no real effort with him or our DC. I resent them massively. The excuses FIL comes out with (at every event we endure for the sake of our DC) for not parenting his first Son are crap, and he knows it. Even at their DD's wedding, we were sat miles away from the top table despite my DC being part of the ceremony. We kind of laugh about it. Even in the Christmas Presents they present at the post Christmas 'get together'...It's pretty disgusting the clear favouritism and lack of even an attempt to hide it!
It's your ex-Partner's shame to live with. Marriage would have made no difference whatsoever, but you DC will be OK if my DH is anything to judge this situation on. I'm so sorry for all children in this situation. Dads should be Dads to all their kids. He should have got to the hospital, no excuse....what a shit!

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 11:48

There are a lot of bitter and twisted women on here. There's nothing like jumping to conclusions. "He's a man, he must be a shit."

lastSplash · 08/03/2013 12:05

I think posters are being flippant in their judgement of the father in this instance. She has described one incident of poor behaviour - which certainly should be judged, but doesn't mean writing the man off altogether.

It isn't helpful to the OP or her son to just call the man an arse / tosser / [replace with chosen term of abuse here] and dismiss his as only that.

They are both older now, he presumably now knows what being in a stable relationship is and the joys of being a good father (to his other kids) - maybe now is a good time to encourage him to turn over a new leaf with his son and be as good a father to all his children.

lastSplash · 08/03/2013 12:11

Incidentally, I'm someone whose unplanned (but in wedlock) DC, for a number of years had to deal with being not as important / not as loved / not as wanted, as his father's subsequent DC and step-DC.

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