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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should be able to cope with their own children alone?

286 replies

alisunshine29 · 07/03/2013 22:37

I have two daughters aged 5.5 years and 9 months and can and do do everything with/for them. I have friends with similar aged children who wouldn't dream of giving the kids a bath/taking them swimming /shopping/out for the day without their husband or mum there to 'help They also expect husband/mum to take kids if they're ill themselves/take time out to help with kids if they're ill. AIBU to think it's a bit daft if a parent can't cope with their kids and basic day to day things alone?

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2013 09:56

Ok I know it's not on to post from other threads but I think it's kind of important here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1674697-to-let-him-do-little-to-help-with-kids#37003158

OP, what you are really doing with thread is seeking reassurance that it's okay that your DP does almost nothing to help raise your kids. I think you are trying to rationalise your current setup by telling yourself that you're a strong capable woman who doesn't need any help, whereas your friends (such as the one you mentioned in your other thread) are somehow weak or incapable because their partners help out so much more.

I'm really sorry to bring your other thread into this, but I don't think it's helpful for people to keep posting and possibly help normalise your situation, when it sounds like really you are not in a very good situation and you need to address it head-on.

It's okay to want your partner to do more. You have every right to expect that. It doesn't matter what other people do, what matters is that you have a good setup in your own house.

Oblomov · 08/03/2013 10:03

I have a similar age gap to Op, but my children are 4 years older. I don't cope that well. Bully for you Op. Really pleased for you.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 08/03/2013 10:07

Well i expect my DP to look after the kids when they're ill and get on with it best he can when it's him that's ill (same way I do!) because... Erm... they're his kids too!

WhatsTheBuzz · 08/03/2013 10:10

I
agree OP, it's one thing wanting the company and appreciating the help
of your dp/dm, etc but being able to cope alone with your own children
is sort of crucial. Anyone who has someone on hand to take care of the
kids if they're ill is extremely lucky.

WhatsTheBuzz · 08/03/2013 10:13

(of course it's just as important that your dp is able to as well)

LahleeMooloo · 08/03/2013 10:15

I have no partner or mother, raised DS alone since birth and my mum died years ago. I have coped alone, but I wish I didn't have to! There's nothing fantastic about my situation.

firawla · 08/03/2013 10:20

Everyone's different OP. I admit I have thought the same at times like how come people are struggling with one kid if their mum doesnt help them or something but as everyone's said you don't know their circumstances, or if they have the option of help and it makes them happier then why not. I do think the more help people have the more they rely on it though, and those who don't have the option just have no choice but to get on with it alone which gives you more confidence in knowing you can do things alone. But i wouldnt take my dcs swimming by myself though! everything else, yes
I've got 3 with small age gaps, one with sn, other 2 waiting to be assessed for sn, dh works away or late quite often, he doesnt take time off if im ill but he will do sometimes if i need lifts to take dcs to appointments far away, or to mind a couple of them while taking one in hospital. I do cope but i have no choice, i just have to get on with it cos noone else will! I did used to have the same attitude as your OP but tbh now I understand why people would like having people to help them out and that it could make life easier, so good for them.
My mum offers to 'help' but i know her help will not be help more of a hinderance!! and shes not local anyway - so depends who you have around you able to help or not, if its someone who genuinely makes life easier and better for you all then why not, its probably a good thing.

MsVestibule · 08/03/2013 10:27

Mintyy I had 2 DCs 20 months apart and when DC2 was tiny, yes, I found bedtime beyond stressful without DH. DC1 would scream at the bottom of the stairs while I gave DC2 his bedtime bottle. If I let her come upstairs, DC2 wouldn't take his bottle. I was also suffering from stress/depression and years later, I'm still tremendously grateful that my elderly next door neighbour/good friend helped me out by entertaining DC1 while I settled DC2 down. I hope she wasn't as sneery about me behind my back as you are about your neighbour.

Now I'm past the fog of depression, I realise I could have handled things differently, but at the time, I just couldn't handle it.

And to the poster who asked why people have children close together if they can't cope with them - er, how are you supposed to know that until it's too late Confused. I found looking after DC1 when she was a baby an absolute doddle, so it was a bit of a surprise to find out that 2 children = 4 times the amount of stress/work!

goingdownhill · 08/03/2013 10:30

We are a forces family so I have no family around to help out and never have had. I had 3 under 3 and it has been a hard slog. It was my choice to have those age gaps so I have had to suck it up. I do everything I need to alone with the kids as DH can be away for months at a time. If anyone offered me any help or a break I would jump at it. If you have help on tap you would of course be daft not to take it. As long as the other person wants to help and does not feel put upon.

WileyRoadRunner · 08/03/2013 10:34

OP having seen your other thread posted above, which you wrote about 4 weeks ago I think you are a very odd person. Why do you need to keep posting about how you do everything yada yada yada. Very strange.

You are not better than anyone else just because you choose to do everything. And tbh I agree with your friend, you are a bit of a "mug" for letting your DP be so hands off. I bet he loves it, all the lay ins, no getting up at night, no homework moans.

You obviously want everyone to recognise how you go above and beyond the call of duty Hmm.

Of course what you do isn't that different to what millions of single parents o everyday. Your friend has help. So what.

Mumsyblouse · 08/03/2013 10:35

It's much better as my husband does a big portion of childcare, because then, if I need to work away for a few days, or go out with my friends, or do anything without them surgically attached to me, I can do so. I don't envy my friends who have done everything by themselves for the children for a decade or so, because it has entrenched traditional roles in their house which means the dad 'can't' care for them, and mum never gets a break.

If you have to do it on your own, as I often do, because my husband is away, so be it. But I don't see it as weakness for others to care for my children, I see it as sensible and building greater bonds in a more extended family.

Oblomov · 08/03/2013 10:37

Mintyy :"She was just very needy and I thought it was a bit lame, really. "

NICE Hmm
Dred to think what my ne3ighbours and freinds think of me, based on Mintyy's view. Shock

Julezboo · 08/03/2013 10:39

Depends on circumstances though. I have 3 boys. all with SN's middle child is especially demanding and needs a lot of care so MIL helps us out a lot and my mum is moving down to be near us soon to help out too. I do what I can on my own but its not safe to take DS2 to some places alone. Swimming for example, he may freak out and hurt himself or others.

WileyRoadRunner · 08/03/2013 10:39

Of course you could say that spending every waking minute with your child as you cosleep make that every minute and not even being able to go to the gym without your husband bringing the baby in/to wait for you in case of tears , is just as unhealthy as one parent not being able to cope taking their children swimming.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 08/03/2013 10:41

OP, did you really mean to say

My friend has a 5yo and a baby. When her dh isn't home for bathtime she has to call her mum in to help, and panics if her mum can't come. AIBU to think she should be able to cope, really?

or

My friends all have family around who like to help them with their children. I don't, and they all pity me because they think I must find it so difficult. But I don't. AIBU to get irritated by their pity?

or

I can easily look after my children by myself all the time, and anyone who can't or won't is an incompetent idiot who should man-up at once.

I need to know Grin

Julezboo · 08/03/2013 10:42

Even with the help. I dont cope. Atm I am currently so run down I have the flu, thrush, vomiting bug, zero energy and the house is a shit tip. Bigger boys are at school and youngest has been with MIL since yesterday evening and he will probably stay there till tomorrow when I am feeling better. Yes I am extremely luck, but OP you dont say whether your DC have SN if not then you are extremely lucky and have no experience with ADHD or Aspergers. It is bloody hard fucking work. And he's only 6, this is forever.

BlackMaryJanes · 08/03/2013 10:43

I have a 1 year old and 2 year old. I cope fine. YANBU.

However if I'm ill, I struggle more but still do it myself anyway.

eavesdropping · 08/03/2013 10:51

MrsLouisTheroux Actually the OP has said when people are ill too. She even posted that if a partner is hospitalised you should still be able to cope all on your own.

As a couple of us have posted, from personal experience, it would be very difficult to cope on your own - both emotionally and practically - when a partner is hospitalised.

I find the OP unbelievably smug and I hope she never finds herself in a situation where she NEEDS help.

Crinkle77 · 08/03/2013 10:55

If the mother is ill then it would not be unreasonable to ask their partner/parents to take the children for a while. There is nothing worse than feeling like death and all you want to do is go to bed for a few hours.

Oblomov · 08/03/2013 10:56

I have no family freinds or back up if i am ill. Gpd , how i wish I diud.
I find the Op so smug aswell.

WileyRoadRunner · 08/03/2013 11:00

*I have a 1 year old and 2 year old. I cope fine. YANBU.

However if I'm ill, I struggle more but still do it myself anyway*

That is very funny BlackMaryJanes i know, i know shouldn't talk about other threads but weren't you the poster whose husband had to take them to the supermarket every night to give you a break????

Mumsnet can be such a giggle sometimes.

This must be a bunfight seeking thread surely!

ruledbyheart · 08/03/2013 11:03

I agree with you OP actually, I have friends that can't/won't do some things such as shopping with their DC by themselves and they only have one, it fustrates me as I have 3 under 5 and one on the way and if I refused to do anything with them without help then they wouldn't do anything and I wouldn't get anything done.

dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2013 11:14

But ruled, that's a good example of the can't vs won't argument.

I could take DS to the shop but it would then take three times as long and be really irritating for both of us. It's far easier to nip out while DH is with him, or for DH to stop in on his way home from work.

I know if I didn't have DH I would just have to get on with it, but why do it if I don't have to?

Bunbaker · 08/03/2013 11:20

I do "stuff" with DD without OH because he doesn't enjoy the things we do. He hates days out unless we are on holiday, he hates shopping or going to art/craft fairs, he doesn't enjoy swimming unless on holiday and he doesn't enjoy the cinema, preferring to wait until a film is on TV.

He really enjoys walking, but DD has a problem with her bones and cant' walk too far or at the speed OH likes to walk at.

On holiday it is completely different and we will all go to a gallery/museum/castle/wildlife park etc without any grumbles from OH.

DiamondDoris · 08/03/2013 11:29

It's not "help" it's participation. Not good, especially for fathers, when you give the impression you can and will do it everything all by yourself. Unless you are a lone parent (like myself) parenting should be a joint venture.