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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder when my wishes will take precedence on Mother's Day?

35 replies

dizzy77 · 06/03/2013 19:59

DS isn't yet two so I can appreciate this may be a while yet. But juggling seeing my mum, spending time with DH's mum is leading me to wonder when (if ever) a plan will be made that revolves around me.

I appreciate how lucky we are to have both mothers, good relationships with them and they both live close enough for us to see both on the same day. This isn't so much a whinge as a wonder about when (beyond card and there better be some chocolates) I might get to relax and enjoy it.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 06/03/2013 20:03

Aw, I don't know. Maybe when you are a granny!

I was talking to a friend today who spends EVERY Mothers' Day taking her grumpy critical MIL out for lunch. I told her she should put her foot down with dh and make it every other year.

I don't have a relationship with my mum and MIL lives far away her best feature). So nothing useful from me, just sympathy. And Thanks

Could you go out with dh for Sat evening instead?

Yfronts · 06/03/2013 20:05

Why don't you arrange to have a proper mothers day next year? You could spend the day before/after with your MIL and mum? I'm sure they woul understand.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/03/2013 20:08

Once I became a Mum, DM insisted that I wasn't to visit and that the day was about young DCs and me.
Obviously I sent a card and phoned her but stayed at home.

Greensleeves · 06/03/2013 20:09

if it makes you feel any better, I am bedridden with severe knee injury and dh and ds2 will be away camping, so I will have my delightful Aspie 10yo on Mothers' Day, god knows what his interpretation of "making a fuss of Mummy" will be. I'm expecting a bowl of Rice Crispies with some treacle and cayenne pepper, a cold cup of gravy coffee and some weeds from the garden Grin

Goldmandra · 06/03/2013 20:10

I don't see it as a day for me to relax. I see it as the day I show my mother how much I appreciate her and my DDs do something similar in an age appropriate way.

DD1 (15) will probably give me a card and a gift and try to make sure she helps out with cooking and cleaning because she wants to, not because she should. DD1 will make me a card and wake me up with a hug in the morning.

I don't really get why some people (not necessarily you OP) expect to be pampered all day and then get huffy when it doesn't happen. My mother always ended up in tears ranting at us because no matter what we did do there was always something we hadn't got right which spoiled the day.

I'd rather get a nice token which says thank you for being their mum and then have a normal day.

This year will be quieter than usual as DH is taking DD2 to Crufts. A friend has expressed surprise that she won't spend the day with me. I think that's just plain daft. She'll have a ball with her daddy which is far more important Smile

CloudsAndTrees · 06/03/2013 20:35

Personally, I appreciate my Mum all the more now that I know what motherhood is about, and because she is a wonderful Gran. Last year we went out for lunch with my Mum, My Gran, My MIL and My dc. It was lovely. I don't expect everything to revolve around me all day until I'm old. As it is, the morning is all about me being Mummy, then it's about all of the Mums.

Original poster
dizzy77 · 06/03/2013 20:35

Hmmm interesting thoughts. I will be happy to adjust my expectations of the day (a day expressing love for one's own mother is certainly close to how I've seen it so far) if setting myself up for being "pampered" is forever doomed to end in disappointment! Sending Flowers to all those who have a really rubbish day in prospect.

I think I've dropped enough hints to DH that some nice chocs will be appreciated if he can teach DS how to use his debit card but it's no big deal. It's funny, we don't participate in Valentines Day as we take the view that we don't need an assigned day to demonstrate our love. So I'm unlikely to get really grumpy about this in the long term but thank you for the suggestions of how I can get some sort of benefit from DH this year!

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 06/03/2013 20:44

Oh OP, just because someone else's mother was a bit nuts over Mother's Day doesn't mean you will be or that you have anything to ashamed of for wanting a bit of a fuss! There's nothing wrong with expecting a bit of attention yourself, especially if you have to spend all day lavishing it on others.

I suspect it will be when your children are old enough to be aware of it themselves tbh.

TheSeniorWrangler · 06/03/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/03/2013 20:49

My DM was just so selfless, I will make sure I do the same if I'm blessed with DGCs (not for a long time).

HollyBerryBush · 06/03/2013 20:51

Like you, I dont really like the false ostentaious displays just because it's a marketting date. However Mothering Sunday, well it's the time all the women in the family should come together.

I don't have my own mother any more, nor MIL, but this year we have acquired DHs God Mother - so all is well on that front!

ThreeBeeOneGee · 06/03/2013 20:57

I have been a mother for 13 years and this is the first year that we'll be doing what I want to do.

willesden · 06/03/2013 20:58

I lost my mum last year. My gift to my MIL is to take FIL to a car boot sale Sunday morning so we can get rid of all our junk and make some cash. OH is laid up with a torn tendon so is on enforced babysitting duty. It isn't until you start losing your relatives that you realise it wasn't such a chore spending the occasional Sunday with them Sad

cricketballs · 06/03/2013 21:01

op - for the last 18 years we have done the same; my thoughts are that both my DM and MIL are our mothers and it would be rude and very insulting to them both if we did not pay tribute to their love, their sacrifices to enable us to have our own families now. My Mothers day starts after we have visited them both

Yama · 06/03/2013 21:01

My parents didn't encourage celebrating these enforced days. They didn't/don't celebrate their wedding anniversary either. Well, except their 25th and 40th. They are happily married.

Dh and I don't either. Sunday is just another day.

The dc are young enough to get ridiculously excited about making stuff at school and nursery and hiding it in the house. I'm sure they will grow out of this and we will just have to appreciate each other every day.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 06/03/2013 21:05

Never really occurs to me tbh. I'm far more concerned about my mother and MIL (who are both fantastic) on the day that I'm not bothered about it at all for myself. As long as DD1 draws me a card as she always does then that's as much as I want.

Each to their own though. If it's important to you then put your foot down.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/03/2013 21:22

Really interested in this, from a rather dispassionate perspective at the moment, as my Mum died years ago and dd is a baby but I always thought Mothering Sunday was primarily about children who live with their parents showing some appreciation for the day-in day-out slog of parenting, once a year.

I'm always rather surprised to read that adult 'children' take it very seriously with their own parents, beyond a card and maybe a bunch of flowers. That's nice but seems to me to be an extension of the concept to suit their relationship or visiting schedule.

There has to be a 'current generation' that takes priority for it to work, otherwise it's like everyone in a lecture theatre turning to shake hands with the person behind them.

To answer the OP though, I'm not sure that ever happens. Surely what you get is your children's ideas of what you might like imposed upon you while you look grateful. So, unless your DH guides them carefully, it's mostly about being brought breakfast in bed when you'd rather be asleep and appreciating their artistic and flower-arranging efforts (which I imagine will be truly lovely and touching but not what I'd describe as 'my wishes taking precedence').

littlewhitebag · 06/03/2013 21:24

My DD is coming home from uni this weekend so we are going out for dinner on Friday as a family which will be my MD treat. On Sunday we have a lot on and i don't expect any special treatment. I probably won't see my own mum until Monday but she is happy with that. Other years we have gone for lunch with my DP. As long as i get a cup of tea in bed i am happy. DH does this most days anyway. I am a lucky lady!

FionaJT · 06/03/2013 21:42

Surely what you get is your children's ideas of what you might like imposed upon you while you look grateful.
^^
This is crux of it I think. My dd is 8 and really determined to make me breakfast in bed this year, which I am not entirely looking forward to. After that I am hoping it will be a fairly normal Sunday.
(We don't make a big fuss of my mother as her birthday is in early March, so it all becomes a bit much.)

foslady · 06/03/2013 21:43

Every year I've juggled mum, exMIL and ExstepMIL. This year I've said no, I want to celebrate my 'mums' day with my dd, so exMIL got her gift and card tonight, and I'll be seeing the other two on saturday. And we'll have a fun day together on Sunday

LindyHemming · 06/03/2013 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dizzy77 · 06/03/2013 21:58

The magnitude of choosing to post this on AIBU has just hit me thanks so much everyone for your thoughts.

I guess my wording reflects my upbringing in the Hallmark-card-marketing-tradition as opposed to the (please forgive ignorance/inability to count backwards Xth-Sunday-in-Lent-purpose.

I love and understand the point that it's for the children to do what they think you'd like. I don't think I'd expect DS to still be doing much if anything beyond remembering a card when he's no longer a child. To be fair, I don't think our lovely mums expect much from us, either, we just choose to arrange things to be with them so far as practical.

OP posts:
notnowImreading · 06/03/2013 22:00

Next year, why don't all of you go for tea at the Ritz together. You'll need to book it now, though, and pay it off on the credit card between now and then! (I've been, worth every penny.)

WorkingtoohardMama · 06/03/2013 22:04

I love letting my dm and dmil how much we love and appreciate them on Mother's Day but must admit that secretly I feel like you op; we spend the whole day rushing to see everyone else and to make sure they feel special that I feel like my bits rather rushed.

NumericalMum · 06/03/2013 22:22

My Dm and DMil are in another country where it is not celebrated on Sunday but I have never had (not expected) much done on Mother's Day. My DH's ability to make our lives easier by contributing daily means that I don't need anything once a year. I would love to take all the DMs etc to lunch and look forward to DC being old enough to make me tea but for now it is just another Sunday. If you aren't made to feel special through the year then Mothering Sunday should be a big deal. I hope it is pleasant for everyone!