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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why some people don't RSVP to DC parties?

310 replies

MrsMushroom · 04/03/2013 14:11

I can't fathom it really. Out of 28 DC in DDs class, 22 have responded with thank you we'd love to come...one has let me know they will be away that weekend and 5 have not responded at all!

I see one of the Mothers sometimes....what's the deal?? Obviously we can't go to ALL the parties ALL the time and I'm happy with 22 that are attending...but I don't know how many bleddy party bags to make now! I'll have to make the extra 5 incase these children turn up won't I?

I could assume 2 for example lost invitations....but surely no more than that? It's such bad form!

OP posts:

MrsSham · 06/03/2013 23:20

This thread reminds me of a time when my mum relied to party saying I could go, I must have been about 7, I didn't make it as my dad beat the crap out of mum and gave her a black eye, he also refused to give her money for a present or to get there, my sister who had a disability made it difficult to attend these things, getting out the house was hard enough most days.

On the Monday as I skipped into school seemingly without a care in the world the motherzilla stopped me in my tracks with a very snide loud remark pointing out that girl who says she will come to party and then let's poor x down. It wasn't until I got home and told my mum what was said that I actually realised my little world was crushed because not everyone lives a life like I did where going to parties where not always high on the list.

katrinefonsmark · 06/03/2013 23:26

Mrs Sham that's awful and I have many similar memories. Most peoples lives are not this chaotic tho.And there's no excuse for busy people not to send a quick polite text.

MrsSham · 06/03/2013 23:30

But you just don't know that, no one I went to school with knew this. No one else at the school my dd attends knows anything about my home life as I don't about theirs, like I said about the mother undergoing health tests no one else at the school knows this.

The point I'm making is that people's lives for many reasons big or small just aren't able to prioritise things like this and it is very petty to get het up about it.

beenhereayear · 06/03/2013 23:32

I forget to check in DCs bags for weeks sometimes, I just get the required books out and don't look through the other stuff as I know the important letters are emailed.

SanityClause · 06/03/2013 23:34

Petty.

Yep, that sums up the OP's position, IMO.

Disappearing · 06/03/2013 23:38

For my DD's party, one mum asked me if I'd intended to invite only one of her twin DC. Now as my DD plays with both her children, it was clearly a mistake. I wrote out all the invites myself, and personally handed them to all the children, so know they got them, but somehow one went missing. At least she asked me, so I could sort it out.

For our latest party, only one child didn't RSVP (good odds!). This girls mum is totally flaky, I've never yet had a RSVP from her for any party or event, yet the girl always turns up, so I assumed she'd come again. However she didn't. My DD informed me later the girls parents have recently split up, and often the wrong parent gets the invite (I take this as meaning Dad gets the invite, for a party happening on mum's weekend), so now I feel totally bad for not chasing up a response, as probably the girl would love to have come, she was the only one who didn't.

So, as I've learn't its best to communicate, call and chase, as people have a lot going on in their lives, and your party is likely not the parent's top priority.

katrinefonsmark · 06/03/2013 23:44

The OP's post is about those people who could easily reply but don't see the need to.politely RSVP. Adds party's coming up. One girls not RSVPd. Her life is chaotic. I know this and am not fussed if her mum replies. All others have replied and so they should have. It's not about my.pfb, its about politeness.

HorryIsUpduffed · 07/03/2013 00:34

The point is that you don't always know if someone's life is temporarily chaotic - like the week after I mc when DH was overseas and both my parents had been ill. Only one person saw me lose it, but nobody else would have had a clue that I was seriously over capacity.

MrsSham · 07/03/2013 00:45

Yes because you ASSUME they could easily, you JUST DON'T KNOW THAT!!!

And even they could just easily reply, which you just DON'T KNOW its still very petty to get hung up about.

coffeeismywine · 07/03/2013 07:02

I really should hide this thread.

If you were the parent of a child at my kids' school you would think I was one of those parents who can't be bothered. What you'd see on the face of it is me turning up to school every day with my make up and smile on you would have a bloody clue what's going on in my life.

You'd also be doing that annoying fake laugh that they do when I say I work from home and saying to yourself that I lie at home on my fat arse all day and do nothing and working from home is just an excuse for lazy.

You wouldn't know that last night my ex turned up and spent an hour and a half talking at me shouting at me and berating me for being a crap person and didn't leave until I threatened to phone the police.

You wouldn't know that I have been up all night I tears and have decided to add taking him to court to vary the contact order to the list of things I have to do.

You wouldn't know. And you'd think I was one of those shitty parents who can't be bothered to send a text.

So how do you know those can't be bothered parents aren't like me?

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 07/03/2013 07:32

Coffee you're obviously having an awful time but using this thread to vent isn't good for you and you should start a new one or think about getting someone to help you out if possible.

Maybe you do need to let people know what you are going through? It's all pouring out here...and it's such a silly thread to get emotional about.

Is there no friend to talk to?

OP posts:

coffeeismywine · 07/03/2013 07:51

Mrsmushroom please don't patronise me. You asked a question. I answered it. You are being unreasonable because you do not know the corcumstances in each individual case. And if you still can't see that then you're never going to see it.

And fwiw I do have friends, real friends who I get support from. Some random mother whose child happens to go to school with mine won't be one of them.

Skygirls · 07/03/2013 07:57

Very annoying not to get replies, but I always send out an email reminder a week before the party, to those I haven't heard from. I usually end with "if I don't hear from you, I assume you won't be coming"
It usually prompts said parents into replying.

Maryz · 07/03/2013 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aufaniae · 07/03/2013 08:53

Just ask them, if you know their phone numbers.

I have managed to RSVP in good time to all parties so far, but I'm exactly the kind of person who will forget, then remember last minute in a panic. I know it's a pain and I'm trying my best (and have done well so far!)

For me, finding this kind of stuff difficult is a combination of being very busy (I'm studying and DP's studying too - we often have months at a time where both of us are putting every spare minute into our studies. When it's like that I get no time to unwind. I don't have time to ever watch TV or read for pleasure while studying for example) and also being in a fairly permanent state of lack of sleep and having a terrible memory. At the moment I'm not studying - but am now moving house (including doing up the new house) heavily pregnant and doing freelance work, all with too-tight deadlines so still just as busy!

If I'm late with things like this I hope people don't think I just can't be bothered. It's that I'm juggling so many things it's really difficult to get it all done! You wouldn't want to be as over-committed as I am at the moment, it's very stressful and not fun!

When it's DS's party if I need to know numbers, I text them and politely ask if they're coming. For those I can't get hold of, I assume they are and make sure I have enough stuff for them. I also do a couple of extra party bags in case of siblings etc.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 07/03/2013 09:17

Coffee I was genuinely trying to be nice. If you can't recognise that then that's your problem. I read all of your stresses and felt bad but you're not interested...you're using this thread to vent.

Maryz as I just said it was not unfair..it was me trying to make a truce.

OP posts:

coffeeismywine · 07/03/2013 09:20

MrsMushroom - you asked a question. I answered it.

You really really don't get it do you? Other people have important stuff of all kinds of hues going on in their lives that you won't know about that is none of your business that might mean they forget for understandable reasons.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/03/2013 09:27

Some people are disorganised. I think that's hard for the organised to remember !
I do try not to be, and to let people know if DC's can go to their friends' parties.

I also do find it frustrating too. When DD was younger she wanted to invite her whole class and I found that was disastrous from the POV of getting replies. Now I only invite people I have some contact with even if that's only in the playground at pick-up time - so DC's better friends.

But I admit I must try harder myself too. Does it count as a reply if the DC's tell your child they can go ? Or would you prefer a call ? I don't do texts.

toffeefee · 07/03/2013 09:39

Even though your child's party is very important to you, you have to remember that to other parents there are 20-odd parties through out the year and they just aren't that important to some people. There could be very genuine reasons, or just too busy to put it at the top of the list, either way I think you are getting very worked up about it and it just isn't that big a deal. Make a little extra food just in case more turn up, have extra party bags, or actually talk to the parents to see if they are intending on coming. Easy.

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 07/03/2013 09:54

Coffee can you not come on here anymore? You've made your point and now, it only seems like you're picking on me.

Toffee...you've made the same point as others. Did you read the whole thread?

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 07/03/2013 09:56

To add to the list of answers to 'Why?':

DD leaves the invitation at school.
Or she leaves her bag in school/someone else's car/at swimming.
Or she stuffs it in her coat and we find it weeks later.
Or it makes it home, goes on the notice board and is slowly covered by layers of school stuff and medical appointments, and we find it weeks later...
Or it goes on my desk while I search for my phone, and drifts off down the back while I forget what I was looking for, and we find it weeks later...

We do get to quite a few parties, surprisingly.

Come to think of it, where is my phone today?

Original poster

MrsMushroom · 07/03/2013 09:57

Lottie did you read the thread? Those points have ALL been made umpteen times.

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 07/03/2013 09:59

Ah well.

That's probably about the same level of attention I pay to most things.

Sorry.

Lancelottie · 07/03/2013 10:00

In other words, some people don't remember to reply because they are frankly a bit scatty. Invite only offspring of organised, attention-paying parents, and bob's yer uncle.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/03/2013 10:01

The sort of people who might have some insights into reasons for un RSVP'd invitations might be the sort (like me ?!) not to read the whole thread Mrs M !

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