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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Lunch nonsense, warning VERY trivial

166 replies

monkeynuts123 · 03/03/2013 08:53

Ok SIL is a pain in the arse, being tricky and controlling with everything. She has had lunch with us many times and knows the children eat lunch at 12.00 - 12.30, being very early risers and are starving by lunchtime and cannot wait a minute more. She knows this, this is something we all laugh about. She has made lots comments in past that we should generally feed kids before us so we can 'relax and eat' but we LIKE to eat with our kids as a family and they won't sit at teh table without food and are unlikely to play peacefully while we eat and enjoy adult time (being 11 months and 3 years).

Today for lunch she invites us for 1.00pm. I txt saying can we please make it lunch for 12.30 as kids crawl walls after that and seems silly to feed them first. She txts back oh come as planned and we'll feed kids first and we can eat after.

I'm just pissed right off with this. What sort of grown up can't eat frigging lunch half hour earlier so kids are ok. SO I said we'd come as planned and all eat together. Suppose I'll feed the hungry tigers before we go and put up with them being unsettled at the table but so irritated with sodding irritating and controlling SIL. AIBU? What would you do? p.s there is always some problem with this woman!

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2013 14:23

Sorry that should be does!!

MoppingMummy · 03/03/2013 14:29

Hoping for an update on how well the mother children coped with the disruption in routine.

sassytheFIRST · 03/03/2013 14:32

REVERSE! REVERSE!

BadLad · 03/03/2013 15:33

This sounds like a problem that would usually be no big deal, but the dislike the OP has for her sister-in-law, which is obvious in nearly every sentence in the first post, has made her determined to try to find fault.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:35

That is how i read it BadLad

myane the OP has cause?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:35

Maybe

DontmindifIdo · 03/03/2013 15:43

See, some DCs really don't just eat at 1:30pm without it being an issue. MIL can't stand that DS won't. So this pisses her off because then at 2pm 1:30pm when she dishes up she wants him to eat at the table with the rest of us, he's either so past eating he's a nightmare of hungry meltdown toddler and not eating, or I've had to give him a sandwich at 12 (or FIL has fed him snacks), so he's not hungry and won't eat, so messes around/wants to get down and play...

She thinks he doesn't eat. She was discussing it all afternoon after visiting us for lunch at 12:30, he ate a full sunday lunch and sat nicely, apparently me saying "yes, he's usually ok if he eats around now" was just me being controlling and precious, not me speaking the truth. Even having witnessed the difference, she still doesn't believe me.

We now don't go over for lunch much, it's easier that way. We get on much better when there's no food involved.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:46

DontmindifIDo

Yes, that's a familiar scenario.

DontmindifIdo · 03/03/2013 15:54

I think it's more that both MIL's DS's have been totally piggies since birth and are only not the size of small planets due to both being sporty ate well whenever or whatever she served food, so she really doesn't realise some DCs won't and it's not their parents being difficult...

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/03/2013 15:58

My DS sfussiness, seemed to hit a nerve with my MIL. As if was a personal affront. She is rather obsessed with food herself, in a way. A great cook but constantly dieting. Food, and mealtimes are is a surprisingly emotional issue

Sirzy · 03/03/2013 16:04

I think 1pm is ok, much later than that and I can see it being a pain for some children but 1pm really isn't that late and its not hard to move things back by an hour by doing a later or bigger breakfast or a couple of snacks.

Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 03/03/2013 16:55

Of course it is much more interesting if I am seen as rigid in my routines, pfb, controlling etc, it really is a bit of a gang mindset out here eh. Anyway, we went, I was dignified, kids ate a bit, lost it a bit, played a bit. SIL controlled all the conversation and was very insensitive to a recent bereavement in our family by chirping on about how she has organised her funeral etc etc and giggling about what songs she'll choose etc while we are very much still grieving. There you go folks, show over.

OP posts:
seeker · 03/03/2013 17:00

Drip.......drip.........drip......

StuntGirl · 03/03/2013 17:02

It's obvious you dislike your sister in law and perhaps you have good reason. But you were still BU in the first instance, I'm glad you found you could be a bit more flexible. Perhaps next time the best thing would be to decline the invitation.

youknowmeandiknowyou · 03/03/2013 17:03

Sorry about your loss.

Maybe think of not going next time if its going to upset you? It's an invitation, not a command.

youknowmeandiknowyou · 03/03/2013 17:04

X-posts with stunt girl

EchoBitch · 03/03/2013 17:04

You're right,it is trivial.

Get over it.

youknowmeandiknowyou · 03/03/2013 17:07

Also, don't be so sure you came across as dignified. You sound on here like you really have very little time for your SIL and I'm sure she can sense that.

ChairmanWow · 03/03/2013 17:13

Gang mentality or general consensus that YABU? Most of us have kids, we deal with their mealtimes and also their meltdowns. It's up to you whether you want to take peoples responses on board but it sounds like you're a bit resentful that we didn't all line up behind you to slag off your SIL.

Maybe this wasn't the right place to bring this up.

QuickLookBusy · 03/03/2013 17:14

Gosh, there's some very unnecessarily nasty comments.

Ignore them monkey.

Sirzy · 03/03/2013 17:16

Exactly Chairman.

Also because thats not YOUR way of dealing with grief doesn't mean it isn't HER way of dealing with it. I think at times of grieving as hard as it is you have to accept that everyone deals with things differently, in our family talking about things, and joking about things, has always played a big part in how we deal with it.

abbyfromoz · 03/03/2013 17:21

YABU. Sorry but think about life before you had children... Mine and DH's ethos is any children who come into our life will have to go with the flow...DD has a set routine but is very adaptable to our circumstances... If this means giving her a few snacks before lunch to hold her off for half an hour then that's what will happen. Nothing wrong with a bit of flexibility... You can still have a routine while remaining flexible.

DontmindifIdo · 03/03/2013 17:21

Hmm, thinking further about your situation. DS's lunchtime being moved by more than 1 1/2hours will usually lead to a meltdown, so I will now only accept invitations for people who I either think are worth going through that for, or are going to be ok with me feeding him a sandwich beforehand and just quitely playing rather than eating with us.

So in your case, a SIL who you don't like and who isn't nice to you, I wouldn't see the point. Just decline further invites for lunch. Go over in the afternoon, invite her to you, arrange to eat out for 'brunch' (booked at 11:30 - it's usually easier to get DCs to eat early than late) etc.

Why put yourself through what you know will be a crap situation for you, your DC just to please someone who doesn't make an effort with you? Your DH can hardly complain you're being horrible to SIL if you make sure you invite her to you. (at suitable times for you)

DontmindifIdo · 03/03/2013 17:23

abby - do you have DCs now? Some DCs don't do flexibility. As I said up thread, that doesn't work for DS if it's more than 1 1/2 hours, it will be a meltdown or I have to feed him when he wants to eat, if that puts the noses out of joint of the adults who want DS to eat nicely at the table at a time that suits them, then tough.

PrincessOfThemyscira · 03/03/2013 17:28

Reminds me of the time my SIL came to visit with her DS just after after the clocks went back. Because DS always had lunch at midday, they had now started giving it at 11am... Hmm
I was going "FFS! Are you going to give him lunch at 11am EVERY DAY FOR SIX MONTHS?!?!" in my head, but just continued to smile and nod.