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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Lunch nonsense, warning VERY trivial

166 replies

monkeynuts123 · 03/03/2013 08:53

Ok SIL is a pain in the arse, being tricky and controlling with everything. She has had lunch with us many times and knows the children eat lunch at 12.00 - 12.30, being very early risers and are starving by lunchtime and cannot wait a minute more. She knows this, this is something we all laugh about. She has made lots comments in past that we should generally feed kids before us so we can 'relax and eat' but we LIKE to eat with our kids as a family and they won't sit at teh table without food and are unlikely to play peacefully while we eat and enjoy adult time (being 11 months and 3 years).

Today for lunch she invites us for 1.00pm. I txt saying can we please make it lunch for 12.30 as kids crawl walls after that and seems silly to feed them first. She txts back oh come as planned and we'll feed kids first and we can eat after.

I'm just pissed right off with this. What sort of grown up can't eat frigging lunch half hour earlier so kids are ok. SO I said we'd come as planned and all eat together. Suppose I'll feed the hungry tigers before we go and put up with them being unsettled at the table but so irritated with sodding irritating and controlling SIL. AIBU? What would you do? p.s there is always some problem with this woman!

OP posts:
teacher123 · 03/03/2013 09:50

If there is a big backstory of not being particularly accommodating, then I can completely see how this would do your head in. I hope you have a good lunch regardless!

SpareHeadThree · 03/03/2013 09:52

Er, sorry if I'm pointing out the obvious here, but if they're 'starving and climbing the walls' by 1pm, can't you give them a snack mid morning to put them on until lunchtime?! Confused
Something like a flapjack and a banana - slow releasing, filling and would keep them fine until lunchtime.
If they're anything like my kids they'll STILL want their dinner, (they ALWAYS want their dinner Grin ) so you will all still get to eat together as a family as well.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 03/03/2013 09:54

MN should create a new category: You Are Being Ridiculous.

LifeSavedbyLego · 03/03/2013 09:54

I'm reserving judgement. If your children eat the same meal as everyone else and you think she is just doing it to wind you up then YANBU.

If they have different food then YABU.

LifeSavedbyLego · 03/03/2013 09:58

Also my SIL's children have to have their lunch at 12 on the dot. 12:10 is called late. I just roll with to be honest. I presume when she's had enough sleep she'll calm down. I don't see any need to make her life any harder.

Ledkr · 03/03/2013 10:00

Good grief do you live your entire life around your children's mealtimes? How strange. I don't even do that when they are weaning.
Tis you being controlling. Sil is standing up to you and good for her.

RobotHamster · 03/03/2013 10:10

I think thé OP has got the message now

ChairmanWow · 03/03/2013 10:11

I'm not sure you're being deliberately controlling actually, as Ledkr says you are letting your kids' routine control your life. Do yourself and your kids a favour and try to be a bit more relaxed about this. They might find it hard at first (esp the 3 yo) but they'll get used to it and you'll have a load more freedom.

My 23 month old DS's nursery gives them lunch at 11.30, which is ridiculously early. He's also an early riser. At home he knows he'll have something to eat at 11.30 but it won't necessarily be lunch. But he does know he will have lunch at some point and he's fine with that even though he's got a pretty inpressive appetite. Can't tell you how easy it makes things in terms of getting out and about at the weekends.

Seriously try and consider being less rigid. It is do- able and you can't expect other peoples arrangements to revolve around you and your kids.

ssd · 03/03/2013 10:18

op, , you'll look back on this in 15 years time when your kids are eating chips and curry sauce at lunchtime and pakora at eleven at night and you'll cringe you were so pedantic when they were small

but don't worry, we all do it one way or another

Bogeyface · 03/03/2013 10:20

I dont understand the rigidity that some people insist on. 2 of my DC have hypoglycemia and need to eat regularly and can't go too far past their normal meal times otherwise they get ill. But we still manage some flexibility, it just means making sure I have snacks with me if there is a delay. Its not the end of the world! Also, if they are climbing the walls with hunger by lunchtime then that suggest that they are not eating enough at breakfast.

Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 03/03/2013 10:21

We don't do anything else by schedule, they just are simply starving at that time no matter how many snacks. I can't see why grown woman can't eat 30min earlier to accommodate small kids. I have never asked this woman to fit us in in anyway before. Kids are well behaved and eat adult food. If I were her I would have said sure why not, no big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeynuts123 · 03/03/2013 10:21

oh kids do eat chips! don't stereotype me

OP posts:
ssd · 03/03/2013 10:23

its not the chips I'm talking about, its the rigid scheduling that'll go out the window soon when they start growing up

ssd · 03/03/2013 10:25

maybe your SIL doesn't want to eat lunch at half 12? maybe she doesn't get up at 6 on a Sunday?

don't go if its such a huge hassle for you

Bogeyface · 03/03/2013 10:30

If you have history with her then I can see how something so trivial can get blown out of all proportion. Its hard to judge without knowing the back story, so on its own merits yes YABU. However, as I said, I know how something seemingly unimportant can be stacked up with other issues when you are dealing with a toxic/controlling/stroppy (delete as appropriate!) person.

Nodecentnickname · 03/03/2013 10:35

I think half an hour makes little difference actually and you are being a bit controlling. Give them a banana or something, one day won't matter.

Sorry!

D0G · 03/03/2013 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummytoKatie · 03/03/2013 10:38

Breadsticks are your friends. Dd is nearly 3. She has lunch at 11:30am at nursery. Sometimes, if we go out for lunch and it takes a long time, she doesn't get lunch until (whispers) nearly 2pm!

I used to panic about this but actually it doesn't bother her at all. We have breakfast later on a Sunday (cuddles and stories in our bed) and give her a snack if she's hungry. Usually breadsticks. They are great. If she doesn't eat them I do as I'm 27 weeks and hungry all the time!

The other option that I've done if lunch is going to be really late is second breakfast at about 10am. Again works great for knocked up women too!

CheddarGorgeous · 03/03/2013 10:41

I do sympathise. When my SIL invited us for dinner to be served up at 7 pm (yes, I know, insanely early for adults) expecting my then 3yo to be a charming dinner guest.

I gave up telling her that DD would be outrageously grumpy at having to wait for dinner until her bedtime and just let the house shaking tantrums speak for themselves. SIL got the message.

DD is now 5 and fine for lovely family dinners/lunches, but it takes a while to get there.

HomeEcoGnomist · 03/03/2013 10:42

i can't see why grown woman can't eat 30min earlier anyway

Er, because she doesn't want to?

I have kids and I don't always want to eat at their lunch time.

Please do not turn into crazy routine-ruled parent. Like the parent who took their PFB home early from DS 2's birthday party, having force fed them a sandwich (that they brought with them!) whilst the others were all playing and then declaring PFB needed to sleep. PFB screamed on being manhandled out of soft play...

The reverse point to yours OP is: does an extra 30 mins really make that much difference? Just go with the flow sometimes, or won't kill you or them

LadyInDisguise · 03/03/2013 10:45

Well my experience with my own dcs is that one of them would have NEVER accepted to eat half an hour later. Actually dc1 would have never accepted to eat at 12.00 or 12.30 either. He would have screamed the house down a long long time before.

Now of course SIL is completely entitled to say 'Oh come at 1.00pm' and eat at 1.30pm but then she will have to face the issue of
1- children being unsettled arriving at her house and being a pain (ie no nice adult time)
2- children having being fed (as recommended by her) and therefore messing around during the 'adult' meal time so again not a nice time for the adults around.

I have to say I have always though as per most of the posters here. That half an hour isn't that much. That she is inviting therefore her choice etc... But having had one of these children who will NOT accept to eat any later than 11.30am until he was about 5yo, I also do feel for the OP.

Now the question is, are the OP's children really both so uptight about the timing of their food?
(dc1 was like this from birth, no warning , getting grizzly before screaming for a feed. It was all or nothing. Same as a toddler. Food HAD to be there as soon as he was hungry. dc1 is now 10yo ans still gets extremely grumpy when hungry even though he can and does cope with changes in the timing for meals lol)

youknowmeandiknowyou · 03/03/2013 10:46

So you still think yanbu even though you said you were bu

Look, she wants to eat half an hour later. If you are so rigid in your timings that its a nightmare of epic proportions, don't go. 12.30 is too early for Sunday lunch in my house.

What does your partner think to all this?

LadyInDisguise · 03/03/2013 10:48

Oh and dc1 would NOT have accepted a snack either. It was either a full meal or full screams....

But I also appreciate that dc1 was/is an exception and that most babies/children are much easier to deal with. (My understanding is that it has something to do with the way the liver matures and that it isn't fully matured until the child is 7yo so potential issues with glucose levels up to then).

LadyInDisguise · 03/03/2013 10:50

BTW I am wondering who are the most controlling people here?
The OP or the people who say that 1.00pm is too early anyway for sunday lunch so the OP HAS to comply to that????

The reality is that the only answer is to find a compromise with the needs of the different people arriving for lunch. And that included the dcs, not because they are children but because it does help a LOT to have some nice quiet time for the adults.

youknowmeandiknowyou · 03/03/2013 10:52

But if you invite people then surely oh invite for a sensible time (which 1pm is for lunch) and then it's up to the person you've invited to decide whether OR NOT to accept the invitation?