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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discourage my son from having a baby with his girlfriend?

80 replies

AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:08

My son is 19 and has been dating a girl of the same age for just over a year now. She got pregnant accidentally and then sadly she had a miscarriage (about a month in).

They are now planning on having another baby.

I know it's none of my business but she stays over most nights here and it feels like she almost lives here.

I've suggested to my son that why don't they save up until the point they are able to afford their own place and have the freedom to go out with their friends, go on holidays be selfish and treat yourself to clothes/nights out etc without having to feel guilty.

I just don't understand the rush to have a baby and why they cannot wait until its better for them?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/03/2013 20:09

Could you talk to his girlfriend about it? A simple question like, "But where will you live?" could be a starter.

Murphy0510 · 02/03/2013 20:09

YANBU, I don't blame you for discouraging him. Presumably he is expecting that if his girlfriend got pregnant both she and the baby would move in with you too, which I think it a bit cheeky of him. Does he work?

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/03/2013 20:09

YANBU to see the disadvantages of their situation and want to shield them from a hard life.

YWBVU to try to make them comply though.

squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 20:10

They sound like a pair of idiots.. I doubt they will listen to you though. What do her parents think of this wonderful plan?

Maybe you should stop letting them use your house as a hotel.

Original poster
AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:12

I wouldn't try and make them comply .... I just want them to think it through.

And yes they both work. But I assume that she and the baby would move in with us.

OP posts:
Pickles101 · 02/03/2013 20:12

YANBU.

GloriaPritchett · 02/03/2013 20:13

Does he pay rent? If not I'd start demanding it sharpish.

Is he still grieving for the baby they lost? Maybe you should try and help him cope with that too. So young for such a terrible thing.

AMumInScotland · 02/03/2013 20:13

I'd focus on asking him where he plans for them to live once the baby arrives - if he thinks they're just going to move in with you then you have a route to discussing why you think that is a bad idea / not going to happen. If they have actually thought it through, then it's different.

You could also (gently) point out that she may be grieving for the baby even though it was early days and unplanned, and that maybe she's not in he best emotional place to make such a life-changing decision.

Murphy0510 · 02/03/2013 20:13

Well if they're both working and you'd be happy to have them all live with you then I guess they are both adults and you'll have to just go along with whatever they decide....

Original poster
AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:14

Maybe you should stop letting them use your house as a hotel

I don't. My son pays board, and for that fact I'll allow him to have his girlfriend over.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 02/03/2013 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2013 20:15

I would make it clear that while I was happy to have her staying over, them living there as a family would be a completely different ball game.

Ask them when they are planning to move out and get a place together.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2013 20:16

You still pay for hotels.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/03/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/03/2013 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larks35 · 02/03/2013 20:19

Give them both some proper family planning advice - needing somewhere to live, cost of all the baby stuff, cost of weekly nappies etc., cost of childcare. If I were you I would present them with the figures already laid out. I feel for his girlfriend, she got pregnant accidently and then lost the baby and now wants to replace it. But, they both have a lot of living (and earning) to do before they can afford a baby and I think you'll be doing them a favour by pointing that out.

squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 20:19

Sorry but you are a mug. I paid board to my parents, it didnt mean I could move another person in. My teens paid board when they lived with us, and they were not allowed to move their boyfriends or girlfriends in either.

You are enabling them to behave irresponsibly if that is your way of thinking.

Unless you are charging board for her as well?

You say "you assume that her and the baby would move in with you".... really?? do you not have any say in the matter then?

Good luck with being the unpaid babysitter when they get bored.

Original poster
AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:20

Wouldn't expect any less from you squeakytoy Grin

OP posts:
INeverSaidThat · 02/03/2013 20:21

YANBU.

There is no rush for them to have a baby. I understand why they want one, especially after having a miscarriage but it would be much better if they waited.

squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 20:22

You are so very welcome. Grin

thezebrawearspurple · 02/03/2013 20:24

They're incredibly irresponsible and stupid to think it acceptable to purposely get pregnant before they have even set up home together. Do they expect to move in with you? Or do they intend for the council to house them?

Why is your son paying you rent and not out living his own life away from mummy? Cut the apron strings and kick him out.

I pity any future child stuck with this pair.

DeepRedBetty · 02/03/2013 20:24

I do think you've got every right to ask where they plan to live when there's three of them.

WafflyVersatile · 02/03/2013 20:24

if she spends a lot of time at yours she presumably feels quite comfortable in your home. Maybe sit down and speak to both of them not forgetting sympathy for the miscarriage and how this is may be influencing their plans. but explaining to them that they would need their own place realistically and are unlikely to get help with that from the council.

sleepyhead · 02/03/2013 20:28

It's very, very common after miscarriage, and it must be so hard losing a baby, knowing in your head that it would be best to wait, but knowing in your heart that you want what you've lost.

Having said that, it sounds like head should be overruling heart here. YANBU to point out the considerable cons of parenthood at the moment to them. Ultimately though, it will be their decision.

AuntieStella · 02/03/2013 20:33

I have huge amount of sympathy about the urge to become PG again quickly after a MC. So on that level, they need support.

But I also think a straight chat along the lines of "I really don't think you can live here with a baby - perhaps you need to get yourselves more established first" is in order.