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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discourage my son from having a baby with his girlfriend?

80 replies

AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:08

My son is 19 and has been dating a girl of the same age for just over a year now. She got pregnant accidentally and then sadly she had a miscarriage (about a month in).

They are now planning on having another baby.

I know it's none of my business but she stays over most nights here and it feels like she almost lives here.

I've suggested to my son that why don't they save up until the point they are able to afford their own place and have the freedom to go out with their friends, go on holidays be selfish and treat yourself to clothes/nights out etc without having to feel guilty.

I just don't understand the rush to have a baby and why they cannot wait until its better for them?

OP posts:
rodandtheemu · 02/03/2013 20:42

I think global has a point, infact I know a couple of couples that have gone on to try for another after a miscarry that they wasnt even expecting. I would start by getting them both together and ask how they both are feeling about every thing.
Losing a baby, surprise or not is a terrible loss.
I would get them together and ask them how they are both feeling about every thing. Talk to them about how they feel about each other in regards to how long they are going to be with each other. If its for life (which at this moment in time they will think it is) talk to them about how they feel about marrage. Is it some thing they want to do? Are they commited enough to get married...if not why have a baby as ultimatly gf could end up single mum.

I dont think the going in guns blazing will work here.... they will prob expect to get a council flat if you start refusing to house them. I think they still would be dealing with grief so the 'best bet' would be to fill the gap with another baby.

I would want to show my son and gf support and sympathy but try to avoid the 'having a baby now will ruin your life' road.

Ask him in front of his GF if he plans to marry her, see what her reaction is. Talk to them about giving the baby a good start in life and say you will support them on this.( Planning and saving for a wedding can take a long time!.)

Then you could talk to them about making a home for themselfs- what you could do to help. I've all ways found with mine if i offer an abundance of help and support ( even though i know they are only doing it for wrong reasons) they tend not to go steaming in.

It might open there eyes to how they feel about each other.

good luck

CloudsAndTrees · 02/03/2013 20:45

YANBU to try to discourage it. It's very irresponsible of them to try to conceive while they don't even have a home together.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 21:24

poor girl, what a horrible experience that must have been. If they really
want to try for a baby it's their choice, they need somewhere else to
live though. It's offensive as fuck to suggest that having a baby young
ruins your life, I don't feel that way.

SirBoobAlot · 02/03/2013 21:30

It's a natural response after a loss to want to try for another baby quickly. Has she - or have they - received any professional support through this?

I think you need to discuss with them the practicalities, whilst remaining sensitive to the fact they're obviously still grieving. Where will they live? Do they have any idea about the cost of babies? What do her parents think?

cafebistro · 02/03/2013 21:30

yanbu. Why are kids in such a rush to have children? why don't they get an education, get a job and have a life first.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 21:38

haha life doesn't end when you have kids? What a sad way to think.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/03/2013 21:44

Whats - are you seriously suggesting that this couple should plan to have a child when they haven't even lived together (her staying over at his Mum's doesn't count)?
They have no home, no joint finances, how will they afford rent and childcare?

Utterly irresponsible of them. Age has nothing to do with it really.

squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 21:45

Life as a carefree teenager or young twentysomething person certainly ends when you have a child. You still have a life, but you have very little option in how it goes because it has to be centred around the needs of your baby.

two of my stepchildren have had children at the age of 21.. both love their kids but regret the loss of freedom, felt envious of their childless mates jetting off for holidays, going travelling, going out every weekend, having money and plenty of time, being able to do things spontaneously..

both of them have had problems within their relationships because their partners did not want to cut back on their lifestyle and expected the mother of the baby to be the one stuck in all the time..

yes we all know SOME young couples make a success of it, but the vast majority DONT.. they split up..

this couple have only been together a year, they barely know each other and are also only just adults with no experience of reality yet, like paying bills, and being responsible for themselves, never mind a bloody baby..

SquinkiesRule · 02/03/2013 21:45

So young, they should be having fun and going on holiday, enjoying life not setting themselves up to struggle.
I'd sit the pair of them down, talk about how sad the miscarriage was and ask why they are planning to try again. Show them the actual costs each week/month for having a child, the costs of running their own place. Have them match it up against what they are both earning. Ask how will the manage if one of them loses a job or hours get cut if they would only just be making ends meet. Ask how will they be able to afford those fun nights out for special occasions with friends for birthdays Christmas new year etc.
I really don't think most young people think this stuff through and then get themselves in a heck of a mess expecting the family to help dig them out.

LST · 02/03/2013 21:47

Me and DP miscarried a unplanned baby after we had been together just under a year. I was 20. We were so excited and then my universe crashed down as soon as I lost this little life I didn't even know I was growing. We begun trying again one month later and now we have the most amazing 16mo DS.

It is completely ridiculous implying that having a baby young ruins your life! Angry
Our ds is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You do need to talk to your son about where they are going to live. Could it be they are planning on moving out?

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 21:55

nah,
what I actually said was they need to find somewhere else to live...
also, many, many, many couples who have kids later split up and resent
the loss of freedom too..

maleview70 · 02/03/2013 22:31

They are taking the piss if they think they will be living with you!

sleepyhead · 02/03/2013 22:34

Does your ds want to try for a baby or is he going along with what his gf wants? If they both want it and they are in a position to be together and raise a child then, well I'd want my ds to be older, but they are adults.

If your ds is going along with it because his gf is grieving and he thinks this will make things better, I'd want to discuss with him the practicalities of committing to a child - for life - no matter what the future brings for him and his dp.

Alconleigh · 02/03/2013 22:36

Having a baby that young and actually living off your parents is just a total no go, surely? I would just make it crystal clear that you support them, providing they are moving into their own place well before the birth, and ask how the plans are going for that.

FudgeyCookie · 02/03/2013 22:40

You do need to talk to them about where they will live etc. I'm 19, ad have a 6month old DD, who quite frankly is the best thing in my life along with DP. We had both been saving up seperately for things but got housed.
I also think that it totally depends on what sort of people they are. Everyone seems to expect that people my age want to spend every weekend out getting drunk, going on holidays etc - not true. Especially for me and DP. I hate drinking, quite happy with a weeks holiday to Cornwall to my nan and granddads caravan etc.
sit them down, talk to then about how they feel about everything, and your worried about them - about living arrangements etc. some of the greatest mums I known are my age, with children ranging from 3 to newborn!

specialsubject · 02/03/2013 22:44

they've been together a year. People change HUGELY between 18 and 21. The odds on this relationship lasting are not good. Why can't they wait until they are 25? What's the rush?

also do you want a baby in the house again?

clabsyqueen · 02/03/2013 22:51

Yanbu. In fact I can hardly believe you have to ask the question. Planning to have a baby when you have no home and have not ever lived together (sleep overs do not count) is quite simply THE most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. They need a reality check ASAP (see ideas above).

clabsyqueen · 02/03/2013 22:52

And it absolutely is your business while they are using your home as their home.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/03/2013 22:54

I agree that it's not about their age, or indeed particularly how long they've been together, but mostly about where they'll live with the baby. I think you need to say clearly ASAP if you're not prepared to have them live with you.

TBH I think I would do the same and would do all I could to support my DD moving out and being independent if she was in the same situation. Maybe sounds a little harsh, but I can't imagine anything more stressful having a newborn, than to be finding your feet living in someone elses house. All the time DD screamed in the night and we were walking up and down with her, me sat in the lounge with the TV on, boobs out (too sore to put a bra on)... I'd definitely want to be in my own place.

I know nothing about social housing but they need to get all the information on what help they think they might get and the reality of that.

jellybeans · 02/03/2013 22:54

Having lost 4 babies, including one when I was quite a bit younger than your son's GF, I say YABU. Losing a baby is so horrible and painful and every time I was desperate and NEEDED to try again to get over the loss. Even when I was a teenager, skint or high risk etc etc. Not all people are this way but I think most are from the research I have read. Just be there for them or it may back fire on you. My MIL wanted me to abort our 2nd (lost my first) and she made life hell and things difficult all round. Just be supportive and let them make decisions. They were meant to be having a baby. Not their fault they lost it and reasonable they will want to try again

HairyHandedTrucker · 02/03/2013 22:59

I thought you were unreasonable from your op. but he lives with you and they don't even live together. theyre fucking idiots

MrsDeVere · 02/03/2013 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyHandedTrucker · 02/03/2013 23:12

actually that was a really rude thing to say about your sin and his girlfrien, my apologies. I do however think it's a fucking stupid idea

Nanny0gg · 02/03/2013 23:17

They were meant to be having a baby. Not their fault they lost it and reasonable they will want to try again
Sorry, I'm going to be harsh here. The baby wasn't planned, and although I appreciate it was a sad loss, trying to have another one is absolutely crazy. They aren't living together, the boy is still living with his mum. By the sounds of it they cannot support being a family and the OP is facilitating it by allowing her to stay over whenever they feel like it without having to make any financial contribution. Not a great setup for responsiblity.
They do need a talking-to.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/03/2013 23:23

"I know it's none of my business but she stays over most nights here and it feels like she almost lives here."
It IS your business if she damn near lives with you!

I really think you need to have a conversation with them, or maybe just your son and then he can have a conversation with his girlfriend. I think you need to point out a few things to him/them :

  1. Where are they going to live as a family? Because it's not with you.
  2. How are they going to afford it? Becaise either one of them has to become a SAHP or they will need to pay for childcare. And no, you are not going to do it for free.
  3. Are they really ready to settle down, at NINETEEN? I know some people are, but it's not for many everyone.

You need to have this discussion with him/them - it would be cruel to let them sleepwalk into a situation, driven by a sense of loss rather than an overwhelming desire to be forever together and start their family now now now.