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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discourage my son from having a baby with his girlfriend?

80 replies

AcidWashSkinny · 02/03/2013 20:08

My son is 19 and has been dating a girl of the same age for just over a year now. She got pregnant accidentally and then sadly she had a miscarriage (about a month in).

They are now planning on having another baby.

I know it's none of my business but she stays over most nights here and it feels like she almost lives here.

I've suggested to my son that why don't they save up until the point they are able to afford their own place and have the freedom to go out with their friends, go on holidays be selfish and treat yourself to clothes/nights out etc without having to feel guilty.

I just don't understand the rush to have a baby and why they cannot wait until its better for them?

OP posts:
mrsjay · 02/03/2013 23:29

you can discourage them and say things but where will you live but I guess you cant make them not have a baby if that is what they want to do, The poor girl has just lost a baby she may still be grieving her loss.

Fwiw y mum had me at 19 it can work out fine
although it isnt what you what for your son and his girlfriend MY dd is 19 I wouldnt want her having a baby ATM

littlemisssarcastic · 02/03/2013 23:31

You sound almost resigned to your DS's g/f and their baby living with you OP.

Even if they do live with you, will they both be returning to work, and will you be required to look after the baby while they go to work, go on nights out, have a lay in at the weekend?

I am surprised at how laid back and accepting you are of it tbh.

If my DS told me he was planning a baby with his g/f, and he lived in my house, the very first thing I'd have asked him was where he was going to live.

I can't believe you haven't already asked him this OP. Shock

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2013 23:35

Are you the poster who has a son and GF who have been royally taking the piss out of you for ages?

If so then YABU

If not then YABU anyway to have resigned yourself to them planning to start a family under your roof, just because your DS pays housekeeping.

NoniJuice · 02/03/2013 23:35

It's offensive as fuck to suggest that having a baby young ruins your life, I don't feel that way.

I don't think the OP is saying that.

But a baby does obviously restrict your life in ways.

I'm not saying a teenage or young mum isn't going to be a good mum. But if I didn't even have my own house to live in why would I actively want to bring a baby into that by choice?

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 23:40

I think you need to tell your son the following:

"If you think you are old and mature enough to have a baby, I will expect you to move out and find a proper flat together with Jemma so you can get a proper start together. "

Explain that you will not want to house two adults and a baby, and they need to find somewhere to rent, and make a budget for their rent, their utilities, their groceries and their baby related expenses.

Look at a couple of advertisements with him, explore the cost of council tax, an what he would have to pay for gas and electricity.

Maybe if he is forced to look at this aspect, he will have second thoughts?

I think as long as they think that they can just move in with you, they will just charge on without second thought.

Alconleigh · 02/03/2013 23:41

I am baffled by this NEED to have a child when a teenager and expecting other people to take care of the tricksy stuff like paying rent. Having said that though, I had a termination at 23 because the only way I could have had that child would have been to leave my fun new life in London to move back in with my parents and ruin their new retirement ; no one would have gained from that. So it's safe to say I'm at the unsentimental end of the spectrum.

littlemisssarcastic · 02/03/2013 23:43

Considering it's your house your DS and his g/f is living in, I'd have thought they'd have had the respect for you to have at least discussed this with you.

I don't see how you can have a baby living with you and not be affected in a big way by it.

However, your DS may have made this decision regardless of your input, simply because he has got somewhere lined up for himself, his g/f and the baby to live, and they have worked out that they can have a baby and be self sufficient.

If they haven't got anywhere else to go, and they haven't discussed it with you, but have just decided to have a baby assuming they will all live with you, then I think they are being very disrespectful to you and selfish. Sad

squeakytoy · 02/03/2013 23:45

The OP doesnt actually say that she does not want them living there though.. she seems very accepting of it..

PureQuintessence · 02/03/2013 23:46

No, but it would be a way of making the pair of them think about the costs and maybe get a reality check!

HairyHandedTrucker · 03/03/2013 02:54

I think kick them out now. it's the only way they will understand what it is real life is. do it now BEFORE you have 3 if them to worry about. good dose of reality should sort this out

jellybeans · 04/03/2013 15:20

'Sorry, I'm going to be harsh here. The baby wasn't planned, and although I appreciate it was a sad loss, trying to have another one is absolutely crazy.'

Have you lost a baby nannyogg? It may have been unplanned but if she didn't have the misfortune of losing it she would be having a baby like all the other mums due at the same time. So I can see (and have been in the position 4 times over including as a teenager) that she would maybe be desperate to try again. Not everyone is of course but many are. Some think it is natural after this devastating loss.

If OP goes on about not having another baby it may come accross as that she didn't care about the lost baby (no offence OP it is just how I felt when MIL was the same to me when I was teenage after loosing DC1) and be storing up potential issues with DIL/sons GF. They probably already know the issues in having a baby at this age but they already were down that road. If they choose to go there again then just be supportive. Fair enough if you want them to get their own place though.

Lafaminute · 04/03/2013 15:22

I had a miscarriage and I had an overwhelming desire to "replace" that baby. I don't think rationality had a place in that decision so although the sensible thing would be for your ds to wait until they are more established it has probably got as much to do with how heartbroken she is at the moment.

LadyBeagleEyes · 04/03/2013 15:38

What Mrs DeVere said really.

Crawling · 04/03/2013 16:15

I think you should make it clear they are not living with you fwiw I had a baby at 18 7 years on my dp has a good job we now have 3dc we own a three bed house in a nice area and are going to Florida this year. Just to let you know it can work out.

Flobbadobs · 04/03/2013 17:16

Ahem...
13 years ago I got pg with DS. Me and my now DH were together but living with our parents and staying at each others houses. More by good luck than anything else we found a house for almost peanuts, bought it after only looking once and worked our arses off to get it ready in time for the baby. We didn't quite manage it, DS was a month prem and we ended up living with my parents for 6 weeks.
Fast forward to today, we have 3 children. We have travelled, partied with and without the DC's, after a few very (very) lean years we are together, settled and happy. And we were only slightly older than your Son when DS was born.
Give them a little more credit, they may not be a stereotype...

wordfactory · 04/03/2013 18:22

I think it is pure folly to plan tohave DC at that age, without anywhere to live, or having tried to live independently as a couple first.

Sure there are folk who this has happened to and it has worked out. But that doesn't mean it's a good plan.

DC deserve parents who are mature enough to look after them in a thoughful and forward thinking way.

Crinkle77 · 04/03/2013 18:32

I think you need to firm with your son and say that you don't mind his girlfriend staying the odd night but not every night. Also you need to make it clear that if she got pregnant they would not be able to stay with you which is probably what they are angling for

Flisspaps · 04/03/2013 18:32

Worra I wondered if the OP was that poster too...

PureQuintessence · 04/03/2013 18:34

Oh yes, Worra.... would not surprise me.

NorthernLurker · 04/03/2013 18:44

I feel qualified to comment having had my first at 21. that's now 15 years ago and dh and I have been married since then too. We also have two other dcs, careers etc.
We didn't plan the baby and if we'd lost her I know we would have been devastated but I really don't think we would have tried again immeditaley as there was so much in our lives to get started on. We found somewhere to live, dh found a job (i was finishing university) and then a couple of years later we bought a house but we didn't plan for any of that. The baby happened and we made it work. It IS work (as Ben Affleck said). I have no problem with people making the ebst of a situation when unexpectedly pregnant. I have no issue with people trying for a baby after a loss either. However I do think that if you're planning a baby you should be planning to raise that baby as independant parents. Not in your mum and dad's house without timescale or indeed invitation. When dh and I talked about what to do it was always as our own seperate family unit. That's taking responsibility, YANBU to point out to your son and his g/friend that that is what they need to do.

Sallyingforth · 04/03/2013 18:47

But I assume that she and the baby would move in with us

This is far too important a matter to leave to assumptions!
You need to be upfront NOW, before they conceive, and tell them clearly that they cannot move in as a family.
You don't say who else lives there, but they would all be greatly affected by having another family in the house. You will probably end up being a full-time baby minder when she goes back to work. Do you want that?
Stop being a doormat!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/03/2013 18:51

I don't think this is the same poster, Worra, Fliss, Pure.
As I recall, that DS was in college and the GF was unemployed. It's possible they both got jobs since, but they really didn't sound the types ...

Grinkly · 04/03/2013 18:59

Your Ds seems to have the same attitude to life as you, OP, 'Oh, well, if it happens it happens'.

For one I would send them off to look at the housing/ nurseries / schools / childminding facilities around so that they actually do know what things will cost and how easy they are to find wherever they decide to live - and if it is with you whether you will be their childminder whilst DD works or whatever.

specialsubject · 04/03/2013 19:17

time they learnt the difference between what they want and what they can have.

Adversecamber · 04/03/2013 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.