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Original poster

Dp not wanting me to see male friend

147 replies

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 07:59

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

OP posts:
LeaveTheBastid · 02/03/2013 09:18

The big big difference here is that OP has already expressed her lack of concern about him contacting his ex, to him and us. That doesn't mean he has to feel the same way ffs.

If OPs husband had an affair, would it be okay for her to go and do the same? Because if its okay for her husband to do, then it must be okay for her to do too. Wouldn't want double standards now would we?

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:20

Living I felt that it would be out of order to ask for my dp's feelings and then when he said something \I felt was UR to just dash them aside and go anyway. I thought that cancelling on this occasion would show him that I do listen and care what he thinks (although admittedly not talking to him after may have ruined that) but I'm not sure I'm ready to never see any of the people that have been important in my life pre-dp.

Maybe I should have just told him to not be so ridiculous and kept my plans anyway.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 02/03/2013 09:33

silvery i do get where you're coming from. sometimes it's easier to cancel and not face the hassle of keeping them and the fight that'll probably follow! give it some time to cool off and tell him it's no different to him keeping in touch with his exW, and that if you're okay with him doing that, he needs to accept staying in touch with your friend, be that in person or by text/fb.

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 02/03/2013 09:33

No, Silvery, I think you did the right thing to cancel - not because I agree with your DH but because it bothered him. Presumably, if something bothered you enough that you didn't want him to do it, you'd prefer he listened to your feelings and acted on them - it's just likely to be about something completely different, because different things trigger these sorts of feelings in different people.

If my DH wanted to go out for a drink with an old friend, I'm comfortable with that, but I know he wouldn't like it if I did the same (unless he could be there too). In our case it's because a previous partner was unfaithful and so he has trust issues. He knows it's not rational to project those issues onto me, but it's about emotion and insecurity not rationality. On the other hand, I have on occasion asked him not to do something that I wasn't comfortable with (don't want to go into specifics) and even though he felt I was overreacting, he recognised it was upsetting me, so agreed not to do it. It's just part of the give and take of a healthy relationship, in my book, as long as it's not all one-sided.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 09:35

I would have apsolutly no issue at all with a partner/ husband of mine maintaining a friendship with any person male or female no matter what there sexual history

If they had issues with me doing the same I would be very offended and would take that as a accusation of me not knowing how to behave and it would indercate that they believed that I could not be trusted to conduct myself in a acceptable way.

I do know how to behave and as I'm an adult I do not require those I'm in a relationship with to police my conduct/ conversations or friendships,if I did then I should not be in a relationship of that nature because I would obviously not be responsible enough to accommodate a relationship of that nature.

I would not be in a relationship with a person who beleved I could not be trusted compleatly to conduct myself decently.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:39

I am due to meet a female friend for drinks next saturday night.
I am going to ask my male friend to meet me first, maybe grab some dinner or something.
I am later going to tell dp that although I think he is being ridiculous I want to reassure him that as far as i am concerned, I am in a committed relationship with him regardless of what he thinks.
I will tell him that I am really cross that he got the ump and I will tell him I need him to explain to me exactly how he feels so we can talk it through. I will tell him I am not prepared to give up my friends, and seeing this guy is not about me keeping him on the sidelines, it's about catching up with a friend.
I will tell him why I cancelled but that I plan to see him next week, before I meet my other friend. That if it helps him relax about it, I will check in vis texts and phone calls but make it clear that I shouldn't have to.

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 02/03/2013 09:45

silvery good for you! :) very sensible.

Sockreturningpixie i would be very pissed off if my partner's feelings dictated everything i did in life. i certainly wouldn't stop hanging out with friends because of him. i would take his feelings into consideration, yes, but i wouldn't lose friendships over a partner.

livinginwonderland · 02/03/2013 09:46

oops, that last message was for TheGirlOnTheLanding not pixie, sorry!

TalkativeJim · 02/03/2013 09:49

Do make sure you insist on him now cutting contact with his ex-wife, won't you?

After all, they used to be married! Disgusting. Far worse than your terrible behaviour. They should never speak again, it's totally disrespectful to you.

Let us know what he says :)

TeeBee · 02/03/2013 09:57

OP, do you think your DH is acting like this to control you and your actions or do you believe it's because he is so passionate about you and is protective over what you have together and is scared to lose that. I think understanding his motives are the key to solving the issue.

I don't think you should have to cancel with your friend but I respect you for putting your husbands feelings first. Is there ways in which you can provide extra reassurance to your DH that your relationship with him the most important and that you would hope to be able to grow into a situation where he realises that there is nothing to worry about if you meet up with your friend. You don't seem jealous of his relationship with his ex, so what is it that provides you with reassurance that nothing is amiss? You could ask him what would provide him with that reassurance.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:58

Thanks everyone. Hopefully he just needs time to get used to the idea. I've never given him reason to believe I'd do anything wrong.
Dp is in bed now but should be up early evening so might be able to talk before he goes to work

OP posts:
MrsLion · 02/03/2013 09:59

Interesting responses to this...

I am good friends with 2 of my exDP. (not just fuck buddies but full blown partners btw) In fact I am friends with quite a few men.
DH is not friends with any of his exdp and has very few female friends and they tend to be partners of his male friends.

DH does not have a problem with these exs and I would (and do v occasionally) meet them for a drink without dh. He doesn't mind in the slightest. He understands we're friends, he trusts me. He's met them and likes them. He likes that i have my own social life.

In saying that, I most certainly wouldn't come rolling home at 3 or get drunk. A quiet drink in the evening or a very early bite to eat somewhere casual and dh really doesn't mind, and if he did he wouldn't hesitate to tell me.

In the same situation, should dh be friends with a woman or an ex, I wouldn't mind at all- providing I had met her and felt happy and comfortable and that dh was respectful and open.

YANBU- he is being jealous and insecure. Not good.

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 10:03

Tee. I don't think he is trying to control me I am the dominant one in our relationship. He is not at all controlling. He is very laid back about everything and doesn't show much interest or passion for anything.
I think he's probably a bit insecure and I don't think he views sex and relationships the way I do. Sometimes I think he thinks sex and emotion are the same thing...........
We don't really talk about stuff because he is so difficult to communicate with. We have most our serious discussions via texts or letters talking face to face just doesn't work with him

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 10:04

Living I agree.

We often have previous relationships where things went wrong but we can't allow that to hinder future relationships where there has been no previous wrong doing.

If your dh has a previous partner who cheated and that means he has to supervise all your interactions with people of the oppersit sex then you are not in a trusting relationship you are not being treated like a decent adult and it is controlling and isolating.You are not the person who cheated on him he needs to learn that.

If he has trust issues then he needs to address that with himself you should assist him by providing reassurance but allowing those issues to be used as a tool to dictate who you can and can not be trusted to socialise with is pandering to it and doing the exact oppersit of sending a clear message that you would not behave appropriately.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 10:05

Oh dear that should say inappropriately

Original poster
SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 10:06

HeI didn't really like this friend when they met maybe that's the problem.
Dp us quiet, shy, introvert. My friend is loud, outgoing and a bit of a show off.
They are very different. Completely different personalities, ages.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 02/03/2013 10:10

Thats very positive then OP, hopefully lots of reassurance about how strongly you feel for him might be the way for him to be able to accept your friendship.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/03/2013 10:12

It only matters if he likes him if you are expecting him to also socialise with him.

Nobody is required to like people they do not socially interact with.

Thinking about it,its just occurred to me that I'm far more interested in blokes who have decent friendships with ex's because is a rather good indicator that they aren't the type of nasty bastard that you really don't want to be involved with.

Lucyellensmum95 · 02/03/2013 10:13

So you have "engaged in sexual activity" with this guy from your past and you think its ok to go out for a drink with him? Hmm

TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 10:17

Why wouldn't it be, lucyellensmum? Genuine question. Why?

Lucyellensmum95 · 02/03/2013 10:20

You have to ask? Genuine question

TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 10:24

Well, clearly. Why are you having trouble answering it? Could it be because there's nothing wrong with it?

TeeBee · 02/03/2013 10:26

Maybe it's because the relationship between OP and her friend has moved on from being something sexual. She knows her DH has nothing to worry about.

Theicingontop · 02/03/2013 10:27

Lucy, why isn't it ok?

Do you have an uncontrollable urge to remove your clothes every time you're in the presence of someone you've been intimate with?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2013 10:29

Call your friend and say you are going to go after all, then tell your P to stop being such a dick. People who are jealous should never be indulged, it just makes them worse. THe only way to deal with a jealous partner is to laugh at him and tell him to get over it, and if that doesn't work, dump him.

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