Dp not wanting me to see male friend

[SilveryMoon]

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

[Lucyellensmum95]

No, its not that - its the "connection" i dont think it would ever really leave and i know that i coudnt bear for my DP to do this. It would be a deal breaker - maybe im just weird and no its not insecurity i trust my partner 100%

[pictish]

Yes Lucy - you'll have to point out the obvious to me I'm afraid. Why isn't it ok?

[TobyLerone]

Insecurity is exactly what it is, lucyellensmum.

[pictish]

How is that not insecurity?
That's the very definition of insecurity!

[TeeBee]

But isn't it okay to have connections with other people? So long as it doesn't override the exclusive and personal connection that you have with your partner now? If the connection was so amazing ex's wouldn't be ex's would they?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

If he is normally rational, I think I would have another discussion with Dh and find out really what he's got the hump about. Does he genuinely feel threatened and if so what can you do say to make him feel better?
Then I'd go. He's being ridiculous.

[Theicingontop]

I don't understand how you can say you trust someone 100%, yet hate the idea of them being around women with whom they have platonic relationships. Surely if the idea makes you uncomfortable, and is a 'deal-breaker', then you don't believe it's entirely platonic at all, and therefore don't trust them.

This kind of relationship would be incredibly tiring.

[Sallystyle]

Well, I was about to say you were being unreasonable until I read that he doesn't have children with his ex so has no real reason to be speaking to his ex, except to catch up and be friendly, which is fine but he then can't say that you can't do the same with one of your ex friends/ fuck buddy

In my relationship we do not go out with exes at all, although I obviously talk with my ex H a lot as we have children together. There seems like there is one rule for your Dp and one for you when it comes to this and that is unfair and I would put my foot down over that double standard.

[MrsLion]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with someone you've previously had sex with. At all.

sockreturningpixie I agree- all the men I know who have good female friends- exes or otherwise are excellent husbands /partners as they understand and respect women.

OP, no your dh doesn't have to like your friend, afterall this is your friend, not his. 

I guess for me, if dh really didn't like a male friend of mine, then I would listen to him, I wouldn't ditch this friend, but because dh isn't jealous, doesn't ever control me and has no problems with my male friends even if I've slept with them previously then I'd put him first if he didn't feel comfortable.

I would also expect him to show me the same respect if I ever felt a bad vibe from a female friend of his.

But, in your case it sounds like  your dh is just a bit threatened by a more extrovert personality in which case, your dh is being ridiculous. 

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Yes, Mrs Lion, when I met DH I was good mates with 2 exes and also have to communicate a lot with exh.

DH didn't like one of the exes for fair reason, so I listened to him and I did slowly phase out that friendship.

He is v comfortable with the others though and we see them a lot.

[Sallystyle]

I do agree that cancelling it was the best thing to do while you talk this issue through more, if you had gone it would have likely caused bigger issues. I would however be having a long talk about the double standard and would not end my friendship with the other man unless he can give me a genuine good reason for the double standard.

Me and my H are both a bit insecure and neither of us would like the other to go out with an ex (except for my ex H due to the children) but it works the same way for both of us.

[Crawling]

YANBU I think you should go your dp is being a ass.

[Viviennemary]

I agree with Samu2. None of us would like the other to go out with an ex. It's just not something we would do or even want to do. Maybe meet in a group of friends or if you were both friends with the person invite them to your house. And let's face it and I just mean this in a general way a lot of people who do trust each other completely end up having affairs.

[Limelight]

I'm sorry but I think that some of the responses on here are really strange.

Why should OP spend a child-free evening with her DP? Even I he wasn't at work it's ok to spend time with other people isn't it?

It sounds like the DP is jealous and that's an understandable reaction but he is BU in my opinion. Can't they all just be grown up?

My best friend is an ex. DH and he have developed a really great friendship over the years. Not surprisingly I suppose, they have one or two similarities in personality and interests. My former relationship with my friend has no bearing on my relationship with my DH so why would it be a problem? I trust him and he trusts me. It's just not relevant.

And that's that.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I have male friends I am in contact with on facebook and go out with. One is my gig buddy and I see text and fb him regularly. We were housemates for a while but never had a sexual relationship.

If my dh was insecure and unable to deal with my mix of male and female friends, we would not have a relationship now, it would not have lasted. I expect to have complete freedom (within bounds of finances other responsibilities etc.) to go out and spend time with friends of either gender. I will not cheat on him, he trusts me, I don't get tested myself though, which is a little unequal. Dh has no interest on socializing at all, so if he did express a sudden interest in meeting up with a female friend I would have cause to be suss as it would be out of character.

Every relationship needs to involve negotiation and compromise, sometimes you have tolerate the preferences of your partner despite not sharing/ understanding them, as long as there is no harm in it. accept what you can't change, change what you can't accept or something...

Op in your case talking and agreeing what you are both comfortable with is necessary, it sounds like you have come up with a viable plan to see your friend and I hope your dh can relax.

[SilverClementine]

Wow I'm genuinely shocked by all the comments on here about people not being happy for partners to meet friends like this. I pity your insecurity.

Both DP and I have friends like this, we keep in touch tho not loads, meet up occasionally, sometimes together, sometimes apart. It would never occur to me to feel bothered by it. It's nice to stay in touch with people.

People seem so insecure, if you're all that worried about partners running off with a former friend with benefits then might I suggest that your relationship isn't all its cracked up to be.

[Viviennemary]

The point is that people have to do what works for them. If each of you is happy to go out on dates with previous partners then fine. But if one of you isn't happy then it isn't really fine at all.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Gonna tell you all a little story:

Me and ex had been together for over 2 years and had a baby together, suddenly his ex gf he dated 20 years ago for about 3 weeks, hadnt seen her in 4 years (never had sex either), got in contact suddenly, i told him to contact her, as she made the effort, cue 8 months of lies and secrecy, flirty texts and all that shit (you know the script). he left me with a nearly 2 year old, severe depression and £100 and fucked off, 300 miles to be with her, me and DD never existed to him for a while after that.

So the long and short of it is:

Are you texting things that you text your female friends, like anything flirty or sexual?

If not then, YANBU, because your not treading the friendship/lover line.

If you do or even if your friend does, then YABU, because that is being edged towards.

Same for your DP, if he does those things in regard to his ex wife, then he is also YABU.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

wouldnt*

[twinklesparkles]

Yabvu

[peeriebear]

If I couldn't socialise with anybody I'd slept with, my social circle would be pretty dull and so would DH's. Because we are ADULTS, we have moved on with our lives and we can cope with seeing people we once shagged!

[RatPants]

My general rule of thumb is if I have slept with them, they probably aren't real friends. I have several close male friends who I could never entertain having sex with precisely because they are my friends iyswim

If you didn't have that history, it probably wouldn't be an issue for your husband but the fact that you have complicates the relationship a bit I think.

[PleasePudding]

YANBU. It is about insecurity.

I don't think it's any sort of LTB but good idea to make sure he knows how much you love and fancy him. I can see that if you've ha a long run of night (which can make you feel shit) the idea of working in the cold while your DP has fascinating conversation with someone she's previously been attracted to could cause anxiety.

However of course people can be friends with people they've slept with.. I don't want to jump back into be with any of my exs. But I still find their jokes funny, their company good and we have a good understanding of each other.

When I was first going our with DH he went on holiday with an ex who he was friends with, having broken up with about five years previously and it didn't bother me at all - I knew that he was massively into me. However I have to admit that 38 weeks pregnant with DC3 and a good 8 years of normal domestic drudgery gone by I'm not quite sure I'd still feel so wholly secure that he thinks of me as some sex goddess.

Maybe we all need some top-up security from time to time

[motherinferior]

Oops. I've got friends I see sometimes, male and female, that Mr Inferior doesn't even know I've shagged in the distance) because weirdly enough we also manage to maintain sexual continence these days). Should I give him a list?

And just to make sure, what about snogging? The odd drunk one-off 22 years ago? People you fancied the pants off but never managed to get into bed? It's a whole new minefield.