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AIBU?

Dp not wanting me to see male friend

147 replies

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 07:59

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

OP posts:

Report

pictish · 02/03/2013 08:39

Toby - I know. Ffs.

I didn't know being in a relationship meant cutting all ties with anyone you might have shagged...even if it were only a handful of times.

Wouldn't want to make up our own minds now would we?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 02/03/2013 08:40

I agree he can't dictate who you socialise with, you shouldn't cancel.

LeaveTheBastid · 02/03/2013 08:40

Arf at everyone with such amazing relationships that they're absolutelyfine with their partners ditching them on a rare child free night to go and catch up with an old fuck buddy.

Come off it. Bet most would be absolutely seething if it came to it.

"Oh he has trust issues, HIBU, LTB immediately and you go and enjoy a catch up with your dear old friend."

Such preachy twits at times. OP your husband has absolutely every right to feel threatened in this situation. You asked him if it was okay to go, you should have been more prepared to be told no. Ask an honest question, get an honest answer and all that. Would you rather your dp didn't tell you how he felt and just put up and shut up like a good boy? You can stamp your feet all you want but if you want him to respect you then you need to respect I'm too, and that isn't done by telling your past fuck buddy that you can't play out because your dp is being a knob.

sits back and waits for the fems to pounce

livinginwonderland · 02/03/2013 08:41

it's not (for me anyway) about the fact that they had sex once or twice a few years ago. for me, it's the fact that if a guy came on and said "i was talking to my partner and said that because the kids weren't gonna be around tonight, i was going to go for drinks with x, my old fuck buddy. for some reason, she's pissed and won't speak to me", everyone would tell him he was being an insensitive POS!

Hissy · 02/03/2013 08:43

What would the reply to this thread be if it were the DP wanting to see someone he'd had a thing with years ago?

That said, i can't see any reason why someone would BAN their partner from seeing someone. no-one has that right.

Unless that person has form for not being a friend of the relationship, of course.

Theicingontop · 02/03/2013 08:44

I don't think the responses would be any different if it were reversed.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:44

Leave I am not ditching dp. He'll be at work 9pm til 6am. If I had a child free night and dp wasn't working, of course I'd suggest we go for dinner or something together, that is nit the issue here. I can't spend tonight with dp unless I want to stand at the side of a railway track watching him fiddle with bolts fixing things.

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 08:44

oh whoa. Hang on.

He chats to his ex wife and you're not allowed to catch up with an old boyfriend/friend?

I suggest you say "Stop talking to X then"

Bloody hell. Talk about double standards.

Ask him how his ongoing friendship with his ex wife is any different.

If you're not allowed (allowed. bloody hell) to be in contact with someone just because you once slept with someone - erm. hello!...

I honestly can't believe the nerve of him.

I can't believe that someone who maintains a relationship with his ex wife (when they share no children, no assets, there is nothing to sort out) can dare to object when their partner makes plans to see a male friend/ex.

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 08:45

slept with that someone, that should read.

GirlOutNumbered · 02/03/2013 08:45

My best friend is male and DH is fine with it... That said we've never had sex, not sure he would be so okay with it if we had... So I can kind of see his point.
Would you be happy if it were the other way round?

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:47

Tbf, he hasn't banned me. He said "please yourself" but he's not happy about it.
Maybe i should go and come back all un-shagged and prove that nothing is going to happen.
I decided to cancel because I knew it annoyed him.
He is difficult to have a conversation with and we have not spoken since.
I'm hoping to talk to him and re-schedule

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 08:47

If fact, I think you should say to him "You know, I've been thinking about what you said and I think you're right. It IS weird to keep in touch with exes. So you'll obviously never talk to X again. Will you? Will you be deleting her number now, then?"

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 08:49

agree with holly. In an ideal world, he'd be okay with it but I can see why he's not.

TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 08:49

We all know what "please yourself" means, don't we?

It means "if you do this, I will be pissed off and sulk like a child".

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:49

Him and ex don't see each other though, so that's ok apparently to text, fb and it's not all the time.
When ds1 was born, dp took a photo of baby on breast and sent it to his wife!!!
he said when ds1 was a baby that he wanted to take him to see his ex wife. I said that's fine, but that I didn't want to go. He could, by all means but that I'd not go.

OP posts:

lollilou · 02/03/2013 08:50

Yes he has a right to not be happy about it. But to tell her she can't go? How controlling is that? They need to have a calm chat about it. As I said upthread my dh is not happy when I see my male friend but he would never forbid me to see him.
He has a female friend who is best friend who when they were 18 almost got together. He goes out for a drink with her whenever she is in town without me. Why would I want to go and listen to them remember old times? I trust him he trusts me.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/03/2013 08:51

I cant believe people are saying that you shouldnt see a good friebd because he ia a male that you once slept with. I have many male friends. Some i slept with. My dh is secure and never bata and eyelid. He knows im a grown up and that i would never do anything to hurt him

TerraNotSoFirma · 02/03/2013 08:52

I'm friends with a few of my exes (boyfriends and fuck buddies alike)
DH has no problem with this, one of them was at our wedding and visits every couple of years.

I don't think there is anything wrong with remaining friends with an ex.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:52

I completely see why he's not over the moon about it, and he did say "I can't tell you who you can and can't see"
but he should trust me.

OP posts:

LeaveTheBastid · 02/03/2013 08:53

Lolli he dp hasn't actually said he words "you can't go", he said "please yourself", which leaves her free to make the decision to go or not.

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 08:54

oh. is it? Is that what he's claiming? How convenient for him.

So tell him that fair enough, you will just text, fb etc, this bloke.

All the time.

He wouldn't like it and you know it.

Try it! And you'll see.

It's one rule for him and another for you.

That is what is really wrong.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:54

But why should I be in a position where I have to decide again whether or not to go when I'd already made plans on the attitude of someone else?

OP posts:

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TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 08:54

Sure it does, LeaveTheBastid

lollilou · 02/03/2013 08:54

Sorry just seen the ''please yourself" comment you're so right Tobylerone That is akin to saying no though.

scaevola · 02/03/2013 08:55

He hasn't banned you, but has shown he's unhappy. Maybe, if child free evenings are rare, he's have liked to have adult time with you?

If you're concerned he doesn't trust you: what else is going on?

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