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AIBU?

Dp not wanting me to see male friend

147 replies

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 07:59

Going to try not to drip feed because I hate that.
Please be gentle with me!
Years ago, I had a best friend. One that I have loosely kept in touch with, but it looked like I'd have a child free evening today, so asked this friend for a catch-up drink.
This friend is male. We were best friends for about 3 years, together every day and when I moved from the area we lived in, he came with me for a while (separate bedrooms).
Ok, we did engage is sexual activity at times but that was way before dp and that was not what our friendship was about, and it definitely is not what anything is about now.
Dp thinks it's weird to keep in touch with an ex, although this guy is not an ex, we were never together as a couple and no romantic feelings were ever there. Dp still talks to his ex wife, I have never said anything about it.
My own fault for asking if it'd be ok and not just telling him really.
I said to him "I'm going to go see X tomorrow night for a catch up. Is that ok?" he got all umpy and grunted "please yourself" so I asked him what the problem was and he came out with all this shit about how I shouldn't want to see anyone else, and do I keep this guys number just in case etc etc etc.
I'm really angry as I feel this shows that dp doesn't respect or trust me.

OP posts:

Report

TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 08:57

Why don't people read the thread properly?!

The OP and her partner are not spending the child-free evening together because he will be at work. The OP has said this several times already.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 08:58

I'm sure he would like childfree evenings just the 2 of us, but he works nights, most weekends too. If he wants to spend time with me, he doesn't have to accept all overtime offered.

OP posts:

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 08:58

also, from what I can gather, OP hasn't been 'banned' from doing anything,
that's just what she told her mate. Newsflash, her dp is entitled to
feelings..

chandellina · 02/03/2013 08:59

I think it's really tricky and that no one "rule" really applies. I tend to think it's better not to have close friends of the opposite sex, especially when there's history, but it can be absolutely fine on a case by case basis.

What really matters is if one partner feels threatened, and here that is the situation. You've got to respect his instinct even if it seems unreasonable.

ExasperatedSigh · 02/03/2013 09:00

Silvery since you're now at a loose end while he works overnight, perhaps you should tell him you've decided to go clubbing instead? Get dressed up, go out dancing. See if he's happy for you to do that.

Why the fuck should you sit at home on your own doing fuck all when you could be enjoying some rare time to yourself?

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:01

But that's a separate issue. We tend not to go out together because he doesn't like to go out.
We've spent years with little money and only just starting to see spare funds now.
Given the choice between friends and dp, I'd choose him every time (well most times) but it's not about that

OP posts:

IamtheBatman · 02/03/2013 09:01

Sounds like he might be having a bit of a confidence wobble. Don't judge him too harshly , its a bit late now but speak on the phone to your friend and reorganize for another time. And in the meantime you can speak to your dh and reassure him. There is no point going "if i can 't speak to my friend, you can not speak to your ex." we are not 5!

scaevola · 02/03/2013 09:02

Apologies that my reading is substandard. It's not a mistake I make often.

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 09:03

Certainly. he is.

And I'd be slightly more sympathetic if he wasn't constantly on fb and texting his ex wife! And wanting to take his newborn child to see his ex wife!

With whom he shares no children, etc.

It's that double standard that makes his behaviour arseish.

Don't you think?

Because his feelings appear to be that it's ok for him to be in a great deal of contact with his ex, but his wife shouldn't see an old friend who she slept with years ago.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:03

I've cancelled the babysitter (my dad) and rescheduled for next weekend when I will see a female friend.
I could still ask him to have the boys tonight and still go out, but I don't know.

OP posts:

SpareHeadThree · 02/03/2013 09:04

Sorry, I'm with your DH on this one. I came onto this thread all ready to post "who does he think he is? He can't tell you that you can't see your male friends. Go anyway."
Then you turn around and point out he's not just a platonic male friend, is he?
He's a previous partner (not much platonic however much you protest, as you weren't at one point. )
I recently met up with a male friend while away from husband for a few drinks. Told husband and he was fine with this. (Well, I think so anyway, he never said otherwise.)
If he'd have said no I couldn't meet up, I'd have had something to say.
Difference between my scenario and yours though that our friendship has been purely platonic, always has been.
Yours, well your dh has a point - he's not just a friend, is he. He's someone you thought enough of to sleep with at some point in the past.
No wonder he feels a bit uncomfortable with the idea.

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 09:05

so what about the relationship he's got with his ex wife?

pictish · 02/03/2013 09:07

OP your husband has absolutely every right to feel threatened in this situation.

No he doesn't.

Theicingontop · 02/03/2013 09:07

A friendship can be platonic even if it once wasn't, what a ridiculous thing to say.

LeaveTheBastid · 02/03/2013 09:07

Oh do calm down Hecate, OP has already said he rarely speaks to his ex wife via text/FB, hardly a daily occurrence.

SilveryMoon · 02/03/2013 09:09

I don't know if they're in loads of contact. I don't ask because I don't really view it as any of my business who he talks to.
I know they have contact because I might see the chat biox up on fb and ask who he's talking to and he'll say X or if he's phone beeps etc. But not in a psycho way though iyswim

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 02/03/2013 09:10

Do people really disbelieve that partners can trust each other? I went out for a drink with a male friend last night. I texted DP (who is abroad) to say, basically, yay I get a night out with X, (not an ex, although not so relevant..) and that if he got any drunk texts from me, to remind me I can't afford to drink too much. He replied with "Have fun! You should flirt to get free drinks!"

Said friend was also about to walk miles home, so I offered him the sofa bed, safe in the knowledge that DP would neither mind or in fact see any issue with my doing so. Same as when he has female friends or walks random girls to their tram stop etc, I know he's just being nice.

SpareHeadThree · 02/03/2013 09:10

What would the reply to this thread be if it were the DP wanting to see someone he'd had a thing with years ago?
^ This! I can 'see' the replies to the question "My dp wants to meet up with an old fuck buddy for a few drinks and a catch up. AIBU to feel I don't want him to go?
Replies would be along the lines of "No, you're definitely not. He's an arse. LTB!!!"
Always interesting to read the different responses men and women get on here depending on what viewpoint they're posting from - even if they're exactly the same dilemma.

livinginwonderland · 02/03/2013 09:11

silverymoon you chose not to go. he hasn't forbidden you or told you not to go. you have a choice. go, and deal with a sulky partner for a couple of days, or don't go for an easy life. i assume you chose not to go because it was less hassle. you didn't have to decide again - you told him, he didn't like it - tough. he doesn't have to like everything you do!

pictish · 02/03/2013 09:11

I would say the same if the roles were reversed.
I'm not into ownership.

dummad · 02/03/2013 09:11

I can understand the predicament OP. I have two male friends like this who I'd simply love to have a drink with and catch up with but I don't because I don't want to raise the dilemma with DP.
However a while back I did meet up for an hour with one of them I hadn't seen for ages. I had a soft drink in a pub with him for an hour. Anyway didn't tell DP, not sure why. I just didn't want to face the conundrum I guess. But HIS gf that he'd just started seeing found out and hit the roof! She started stalking me and calling my DH, accusing us of having an affair!
Strangely enough DH was alright about it and just laughed. I was a bit taken back by his relaxed response but very relieved as well.
I just think it's a really nice thing to do as it relates you to your past and sometimes, if you have had sex with someone, it breaks down any boundaries and you can be totally honest with them.
I don't pursue any of my old flames anymore because DH doesn't have any female friends and it doesn't seem fair to him. But I have wondered whether I'm just being a bit over concerned due to DH's reaction last time.
I suppose it's a case by case argument, and depends on how you and your friend are together. If there's just one thing that threatens your DP about your friend, however, then he's not going to like it is he?
But yes on the whole we are in the 21st century and we move around a lot/are free to have a variety of relationships before settling down. It always seems a bit crazy that we have to wipe our history out completely when we meet our DPs, or at least it seems unfair to have to ditch certain ones that you happen to bond with. As you get older the opportunity to make good bonds with people who knew you when you were free/young/without responsibilities vanishes and I can see why it means a lot to you to hold onto this bit of the past.

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 09:12

It doesn't matter. Someone who is in contact with their ex has no business being funny with their partner over a contact with theirs.

And I am perfectly calm. I just don't think double standards are good.

I would think the same if she was saying that her partner was being funny about her spending £50 and had an attitude about it so she'd decided she'd best not spend it after all but he goes out and spends £50 sometimes and he thinks that's ok.

When one person does something, they cannot then object to the other person doing it.

Feeling this way does not make me in need of calming down, you funny old thing.

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TobyLerone · 02/03/2013 09:12

So once you've shagged someone, you always want to do it again? You might not be able to control yourself? Your relationship can never again just be platonic?

Shit, someone better warn my ex-husband that he's not safe, that my current marriage is a sham and that I might rip his clothes off next time he's trying to ignore me while we watch our son play rugby from opposite sides of the pitch.

Theicingontop · 02/03/2013 09:14

There are misguided posters on every thread, SpareHead.

I think most posters would ask if there were any reasons not to trust DH, if not, tell OP to get a grip. I don't think you can just assume this is a sexist issue.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 09:14

he has a right to FEEL whatever he likes, we all do.

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