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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the majority of blokes, would probably prefer their wives/partners always being around at home?

107 replies

blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 21:08

dont get me wrong, im certainly not saying all women should do this at all, i think we should decide what we personally want to do.
i'm all for freedom of choice

but just been watching corrie and chesney feeling a bit funny about katie going back to work, well the kebab shop.
lol yes i know its not real.

but it made me think that probably majority of blokes would probably prefer their partner always around as a sahm

not sayings it right or the way it should be, not at all, like i said, i want every mother to have the choice in everything she does

but do you think this is true?

suppose i'd quite like a sahp to look after me at times

OP posts:
Portofino · 01/03/2013 22:01

No, DH likes me working. At one point I was the higher earner, so it wasn't even an option. He will retire in 9 years and I will (hopefully) be still working. That pisses me off a bit.

ChestyLeRoux · 01/03/2013 22:02

Most men I know in rl like their wives working for the money.

Original poster
blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 22:03

So do you mean that most men would believe that their partners would be happier as a SAHM?

no, no not what i'm saying at all.
more that the majority [not all] of men would prefer it

don't get me wrong, i'm certainly not trying to say what people should or shouldn't do, that's up to them, and i don't know anyone that doesn't think they are doing whatever is bast for their family under their circumstances, which others never really truely know

OP posts:
Original poster
blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 22:04

porto, why does it piss you off? is it because you would like to retire at the same time? is he alot older or something

OP posts:
Original poster
blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 22:08

"So most lesbians would like a SAHM partner? And no gay men want to be SAHDs? "

sorry you've totally lost me.

i fully support same sex couples, one of my best friends, who is female and her partner is also female,are having ivf atm, and i'm really really pleased for them and really hope it works, they will make amazing parents.
i don't see same sex relationships as different at all.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/03/2013 22:08

But in any case even if it were true that 'most men' wanted their wives at home and to have absolutely no domestic or parenting responsibilities...so what? They'll just have to be put out about pesky uppity women who want careers and the vote and all.

Portofino · 01/03/2013 22:10

Why does it piss me off? It is not his fault or anything, but his retirement will coincide with dd leaving school/going to Uni etc so I will need to work to fund this, and we won't get much shared retirement. He is 11 years older than me.

zwischenzug · 01/03/2013 22:11

Yes I think you are misguided to think this. Maybe men over a certain age are more likely to believe womens place is in the home, but younger men are more likely to think whatever makes both partners happy and meets the needs of the child is fine.

motherinferior · 01/03/2013 22:11

Your assertions appear to be based on gender which is why I'm asking how they apply to same sex couples.

Portofino · 01/03/2013 22:12

And he is totally in denial about it all. We are expats and renting, and he get well stressed when I try to have a conversation about the future....not good really.

motherinferior · 01/03/2013 22:14

Can I just also point out that feminism has been around quite long enough for plenty of 50something blokes to be aware of it.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 01/03/2013 22:21

My DH longs to be a house-husband. Sadly it's a no-go as we need 2 incomes. If that changes I have promised that he can be the one to stay at home cooking, cleaning and gardening.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 01/03/2013 22:23

Oh, and after the best part of a year with me on mat leave, a) we were stony broke and b) I hate being alone so much. Oh, and c) I suck at housework.

HomeEcoGnomist · 01/03/2013 22:23

Working in a male-dominated environment, I often dream of having a stay at home wife for myself. They get home to cooked dinners, their suitcases are packed when they go on trips and they get a nice bath waiting when coming back. I get a huge pile of laundry to do on my return.

^^ this

Seriously, I would love a houseperson to do all the things I would think of doing if I were at home, but DH manages to miss

DH and I are both happy that I work FT. My dream is to do 4 days/week - but not to do housework or childcare the other day, to do anything I want

LadyPessaryPam · 01/03/2013 22:24

Mine doesn't thank God. We are equal partners, I know I am lucky.

Original poster
blacktaildog · 01/03/2013 22:24

porto, my mil is a good ten years older than step fil.
she has been retired quite a while, few years, i think he has about 15 years left to work.

i've often thought what a shame they don't get to enjoy a retirement together.
it seems like the age gap, although not that big really, is really starting to show now, as if he works another 15 years, you just don't know what their health will be like then, sorry not trying to make you feel worse, just trying to say i can see what your saying

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 01/03/2013 22:25

Assuming that men are able to keep more than one idea in their heads you have suggested that:

Men want their partners to be happy.

Men want their partners to stay at home.

For many men this will produce a conflict where they believe that their partners would be happier working even though they would rather their partner didn't. Which do you think men value more?

I think there are vast cultural differences between social groups in the UK. For example, only one of my university friends is a SAHM, but some of my NCT friends are SAHM. Quite a lot of this relates to economic differences in being paid more than childcare costs and viewing work either as "a job" or "a career". It also seems to depend on what your own mother did. Most of my university friends had working mothers, as did their partners so it feels "normal" for women to work.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/03/2013 22:26

Well I wouldn't necessarily want it to be my DH, but I would bloody love for there to be someone at home to take care of everything so I could get on with my career. No dashing out the door at 5:30 on the dot to collect the DC even if I'm in the middle of something. Housework done, meals cooked, annoying endless list of "things that need doing" taken care of. Lovely!

So I can see why it's attractive to men too.

Trills · 01/03/2013 22:26

Can you summarise what it is that you are actually saying? Confused

ipadquietly · 01/03/2013 22:27

Perhaps you also think that woman shouldn't have the vote, have smaller brains, are the only sex to be able to use a duster......

Come ON! It's 2013. Womem can do ANYTHING that men can do.....as men can do ANYTHING a women can do (i.e. hoover, dust, wash dishes, cook).

Don't be so ridiculous and subservient.

MoreBeta · 01/03/2013 22:27

Hmmm.... well my wife went out to the first day of a full time job today after 12 years of being a SAHM with me at home as well.

Its going to be quite a wrench not having her at home. But she'll get used to it. Grin

Trills · 01/03/2013 22:28

Maybe everyone who works would like to have all domestic stuff taken care of so that they don't have to worry.

And maybe they would prefer all of that domestic stuff to be taken care of by someone who cares, not just someone doing it for the money.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that they would want their partner to do it.

Because their partner (if they exist) might not be happy doing it.

Or because they know that the kind of person they would want as a partner (if they don't currently have one) is not the kind of person who would ultimately be happy without a focus outside the domestic sphere.

Chandon · 01/03/2013 22:29

I do not think that is true, I know a fair few men who do not want their wives to be sahm's, as they view it as the more fun and easy option, and why should SHE get to do that just because she is a woman, so then both work.

breatheslowly · 01/03/2013 22:31

Nicely put Trills. My DH definitely fits your last description.

DebbieLovesDallas · 01/03/2013 22:31

Not my DH, he always wanted to be a SAHD. I've been a SAHM for 12 years. We being discussing this a lot since he was made redundant and we've decided that now I'll go back to work and he will stay at home.