AIBU to think you can still stay together for the sake of the children and it work out

[fluckered]

we cant seem to live together anymore. things out of our control his depression and my lack of tolerance to live with it anymore. we have one child. 80% of the time we are just living as lodgers no arguments. every once in a while it kicks off but we both shield our son (either in school or asleep). therefore i feel it will be worse on him if we seperate as we can actually live with eachother. no physical contact, very little emotion, just going through the motions. i feel deep down we still do love each other but i feel trapped and stuck but because i can just get on with it (other than it flaring up once in a while as i'm sure other couples do) think its better for ds. he is my focus, my world, my reason for living. so aibu to think this arrangement is less damaging for him? he is 5 btw

Oh my goodness, it's not a choice between one miserable man, or lots of different men... Why would you think it is?

I think if people really believe theat most children grow up in loving families where mommy and daddy are true loves dream, then they are misguided.

Who thinks this? Plenty of children grow up with two separated parents, much happier apart.

Sorry ChnageNamer - but your posts are becoming increasingly frustrating to read.

You're not fooling a single person on this thread. You might - might - be fooling your daughter now. But don't forget. At a certain point, everyone looks back on their childhood with adult understanding. What do you think your daughter will see? When you're not deluding yourself, that is.

Why Midnight? Why are you so sure that you are right?

You said before that it was all about the things I dont do. But when I've said that isn't the case, you've cahnged track. I'm very frustrated as well.

Midnight: You know, sitting up chatting until gone midnight, putting the world to rights. Flopping on the sofa, with DH's legs over you, watching TV. Grabbing each other when a song comes on the radio and samba-ing badly around the kitchen. Taking the piss out of each other. Having private jokes. Raucous, shared laughter. Exchanging glances which convey full conversations without a word having to be said All of that happens. The only thing that doesn't is the bedroom thing, because he sleeps most nights in the Study. DD accepts that because his snoring is legendary - to the point of separate bedrooms on holiday.

And yet a little while ago on the thread, you said 'DH barely registers' in your life. So which is it? All of the above, loving scenarios? Or 'barely registers'?

And separate bedrooms, indeed...

What if I am right? Imagine I am. Imagine for a second that the Judge is taken in by him

I understand your fears and yes that scenario you paint of how it would be if he got residency is horrible, but I know that judges are not stupid and have seen situations like yours before.

With the past violence detailed in what you would present to the court too, I think your case would be stronger.

I know sometimes men do get residency and that may even be the right decision in some cases, but I have known of men who were in fact good dads get only EOW/partial holiday contact, so I really don't think a judge/court and everyone involved would be fooled by someone like your DH.

He has managed to make you think that he is the one holding all the cards, but really he isn't and I think anyone on the outside would see that.

Changenamer I have been in an unhappy marriage where I've feared my DH getting custody, so I honestly don't believe your story is as simple as a lot of people think it is.

In the even my DH was much more reasonable when I said that I was leaving than he might have been. I once read that many men threaten they will go for custody, but in the event they rarely do if they've not previously been that bothered about their kids.

Everyone here bar those who are in similar situations has said the same thing from various prospectives. either as a child who grew up in it, or as an adult who got out of similar set ups.

None of us here are buying what you are saying, I think that some of your posts have alluded to the fact that deep down neither do you.

I know it is hard to see things clearly when you are ensconced within a situation, but from the outside it is crystal clear.

What your DH has managed to do is to convince you that you have no way out, but honestly, you do.

Changenamer101 is doing what she thinks is the best for her DD.

Have you consulted a solicitor at all about the what would be the legal situation if you were to seperate from your husband?
It might be best to find out, so then at least you would definitely know the legal situation, rather than guessing it.

but in the event they rarely do if they've not previously been that bothered about their kids

Yes.

From what you have said, I think your DH is far too lazy to actually go for residency, even if he wants to hurt you, I think at the most all he would do is threaten it.

Because that thought is understandably awful for you, the threat of it is enough to make you stay.

He is playing you.

Earlier in this thread, I accused you of putting your DH above everyone else. Above your DC and above yourself. And you refuted that, saying 'he barely registers'...

Now, when I outline some of the things loving couple do naturally and instinctively, you're rushing it to say you do those things, too. So it seems you do put your DH first, above everyone else. Faking a loving relationship with him so much, that you do lovely things to and with him, even though you wish him dead. :(

You're the one changing tack with your story, not me.

And yet a little while ago on the thread, you said 'DH barely registers' in your life. So which is it? All of the above, loving scenarios? Or 'barely registers'

Are you misunderstanding me on purpose Midnight, or am I just expressing myself badly? The 'barely registers' was in reply to a comment about the hierarchy of importance in the family, about prioritising, and in order of priority to me DH does barely register. DD is the most important, DSD is the second most important.

It is because DD is the most important that I make sure she sees me do things like that with her father. I don't think the seperate bedrooms thing is that unusual, I know quite a few people on MN that say they do it, and their marriages are fine. On the odd occasion that DH does go to the 'marital bed' I sleep in the study and DD doesn't even know.

With the past violence detailed in what you would present to the court too, I think your case would be stronger Unfortunately Amber I cannot prove the violence - Honestly if I could I would and I wouldn't be so scared. It was during a very bad period of approx 4 months where he was physically and emotionally abusive. I never reported the violence, and it amounted to sly digs and kicks and one tumble that he could probably explain away. I certainly explained it away, and people had no problem believing me, and of course it was 4 years ago, with no repetition so I feel stuck.

It wouldn't hurt to speak to a solicitor though and see what they say.

You are right Edie, and I did a couple of years ago but the prognosis wasn't great. I also spoke to WA 4 years ago but they couldn't help. They gave me some advice and were lovely to me, but ultimately circumstances were against us. It wouldn't hurt to try again, but I certainly wont get my hopes up.

Divorce is no more damaging to children, in itself, than moving house or an older sibling leaving home. Manipulative behaviour from either parent, of course, can be damaging, bit this happens within relationships as well as after divorce.

We (women) need to let go of this guilt we feel about a relationship "failing" when the reality is it's just not working out (and that's fine.) So much healthier to show children that it's okay, in fact, desirable, to walk away if you're not happy and nothing is fixing this.

Dear Changenamer - so, an honest relationship with your daughter isn't your priority

Because that's what it boils down to.

One day she will find out about all this. She is not stupid. And she may not see your actions the way you do.

I completely understand what you are trying to do. Thinking you are a good actress and can pull this off is not sustainable though. I understand that your priority is your daughter's well-being, and given that, you have worked out this plan and are prepared to sacrifice your own happiness.

But when it comes down to it, the best way for a little girl to be happy and normal, in the long run is for her mother to be happy and free. Whatever you do now, you are teaching your daughter is how a woman's life should be.

I know you don't want people saying things like this, because you feel you have got it all sewn up/under control, and that you are sure you are doing the right thing.

However good an actress you are, you are still allowing your child the experience of living with an alcoholic, who you rightly say you are enabling, and this will not be disguised.

Changenamer - although I have been adamant on this thread that parents who don't get on should split up, rather than stay together 'for the children', I just want to say that I can see that your situation is more complicated than the usual. I feel dreadfully sorry for you.

I can understand your fears over the risks of leaving and possibly putting the children in a worse situation. I don't think anyone would argue with that. I think the reason you are getting a hard time is because you ate saying the situation won't affect the children, which is kidding yourself at best. If you presented yourself as choosing perhaps the least worse option, but were realistic about the risks, then maybe the comments would go a different way.

So sorry, fluckered , to address another poster before you, but I really hope the comments addressed to Changenamer are helpful to you too.

Just supposing ChangeNamer did leave/divorce her DH - and he didn't go for residency - her DD would still have to spend time with him alone. He's a functional alcoholic, how can that be a good thing?

ChangeNamer - while I agree that children are a whole lot more astute than we sometimes expect, I think you probably are protecting your DD (and DSD) at the moment. But at what age do you think this should stop? Perhaps once your DD is old enough to express a preference as to whether or not she stays with her dad, and the courts take notice?

I think it's about 14 when the courts listen to where children want to live isn't it? Again, this is the kind of thing a solicitor could advise you on. Of course you might get different responses from different solicitors, so maybe see a couple?

Changenamer, I think you could still report it now.

4 years ago he was physically abusive and threatening, since then you have been living under the threat of it happening again, you have chosen to disengage so as not to 'wind him up' for a repeat performance. That is emotional abuse and living with the threat of more violence hanging over you, you have stopped arguing back and that is the only thing that is stopping him from doing it again.

changenamer You have my support and empathy. Life is often black and white when you are looking in through the window from the outside. I think if you are happy in yourself, regardless of the relationship with hubby then you and your girls should be fine. I spent years getting angry with hubbies drinking and his inability to think of anyone but himself. shortly after the girls where born we had one last screaming row and that night i decided, he was no longer important enough to agrue with. I tried on a few occasions to tell him how i felt, to encourage him to drink less, have conversations explain to him the difference between intimacy hand sex, but it goes in one ear and out the other so I don't bother anymore. as far as I'm concerned he brings in the pay check and provides some sembalence of a male role model. the girls love their daddy, and without us in his life I am certain he would start drinking at breakfast time and die of liver failure in 12 months. I'm not that unhappy that i need to put my girls or even him through all that at the moment. As far as how feel about him, i just feel sad,.for him

Why couldn't WA help 4 years ago? was it because you wouldn't report it to the police?

her DD would still have to spend time with him alone. He's a functional alcoholic, how can that be a good thing?

If it is that bad, if it were me, I wouldn't send my child for contact. You only need to read some of the posts on step parenting to see that Mums do that and there doesn't seem to be much to be done about it.

Allegations of alcoholism would be enough to insist on supervised contact, I personally know a woman who has insisted on supervised contact for that reason. If a Dad wants to move on from that he needs to prove himself.

When your DD is older, she will be an added witness to your DHs drinking. So DH should no longer be able to concince to a court, or anyone else, that it doesnt happen.

But at what age do you think this should stop? Perhaps once your DD is old enough to express a preference as to whether or not she stays with her dad, and the courts take notice?

Yes Thumb, that makes sense. Initially I was doing this for life. Thinking that when DD is old enough to 'not need me' as such I would remain married and living with DH, but be more assertive about what I want/need. No more pretending, no more sex etc. Live like flatmates I suppose. But maybe as DD gets older and can see/understand more then I can look at it again. All my decisions were made when she was 3/4/5. Now we are a couple more years down the line it makes sense to re-evaluate. But right now I wont change what I am doing, because it works.

Why couldn't WA help 4 years ago? was it because you wouldn't report it to the police?

It was more complicated than that Amber, but TBH, especially the way this thread has gone I'm really concerned about 'outing' myself, and if I told you why, it would. I did speak to someone on the phone, and they were lovely, really sympathetic and give me advice as to things I could do when my circumstances changed, but actual physical help they could not provide.

Yes amillion, I hadn't thought of that.