AIBU to think you can still stay together for the sake of the children and it work out

[fluckered]

we cant seem to live together anymore. things out of our control his depression and my lack of tolerance to live with it anymore. we have one child. 80% of the time we are just living as lodgers no arguments. every once in a while it kicks off but we both shield our son (either in school or asleep). therefore i feel it will be worse on him if we seperate as we can actually live with eachother. no physical contact, very little emotion, just going through the motions. i feel deep down we still do love each other but i feel trapped and stuck but because i can just get on with it (other than it flaring up once in a while as i'm sure other couples do) think its better for ds. he is my focus, my world, my reason for living. so aibu to think this arrangement is less damaging for him? he is 5 btw

Very long thread, so haven't read it all. IMO it's actually teaching your child nothing by staying together 'for them'. It's not teaching them nothing about a healthy, stable, loving relationship, it's teaching them about martyrdom. A child doesn't need to unhappy people living in a house together 'for their sake'. In fact, when they are old enough to realise this was the case it's likely that they'll feel guilty about this. Split up, have your own lives and be happy. Your child is only 5 and a split at this age is much less damaging at this age than when he's older. You can both be better, happier people and therefore better parents, apart.

In fact if we're saying a split is in the best interests of the children then surely you could say it's not damaging at all (as least bad/ best option in circumstances)

*anything not nothing

This post has made me so sad.
Nothing to add except assuring the OP you can't pull it off forever. One of you will eventually find a happier way.
Nothing wrong with working through the hard bits, having counselling and moving on. Pretending things are fine is just silly IMHO.

Nothing wrong to me though about caring more about your relationship with your children than any other relationship. Seems very natural to me. Unlike my mother I put my children before my partner - I think many in our generation do.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting your children before your partner. But that's not what fluckered and ChangeNamer are doing in the slightest.

They're prioritising their partners' needs above everyones - their own and their children's. If only they would put their chidren first.

I wasn't going to come back, but I would like to just say a couple of things.

Changenamer101, you are burdoning your children to fulfill an adults role
No I'm not. Maybe what I said was just badly worded, but DD and I are great. She has lots of attention, lots of fun, lots of love and everything she needs. She wants for nothing, emotionally or otherwise. She knows how much I love her, she knows how important she is, she is a completely normal, average little girl.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting your children before your partner. But that's not what fluckered and ChangeNamer are doing in the slightest Yes I am. DD, and to an extent DSD, are head and shoulders above anything else in my life. They are what is important. They are all that matters. They are happy.

They're prioritising their partners' needs above everyones - their own and their children's Not in any way. You could not be more wrong. DD comes first, DSD second and me third. DH barely registers.

I won't open up here any more. I don't need to. I'm happy with what I am doing and, more importantly, DD is happy. I don't need to be told I'm selfish by people who aren't living my life. My daughter is my world. I choose to live my life to make her happy, and its working. I don't care about anything else. Everything else is just filler.

A few of lequeen's posts really resonate with me too. My mum used me as her emotional support. It made me have to grow up faster than I should have and was totally unfair.

As both a child of divorce and someone whose marriage did not work I can say I know where you are coming from and if both are 100% on the same page about this and if you are working with the aim of improving things and rebuilding your relationship then this a good plan.
Just going round in circles of getting by and not being able to function as a parental unit isn't a good plan. Your DS will pick up on it and not be able to put their finger on what exactly is wrong, may decide it is something to do with them that is wrong. What happens when they reach 18 or whenever and move out if you are still keeping up this routine of living together but not showing affection or just a normal communicative relationship? Separating then may make your child feel for years they have been holding you back and causing you misery of having to live together. What about holidays? Or family events like Christmas or birthdays? Are you able to enjoy these?

I think if you have the mindset that you CAN stay together when things get tough and work it out AND if (unlike my father and ex) your DH shares the same idea, then you need to also be prepared to take the next step of working through your problems with a professional.

It can be done, and if done successfully it is good for your child, but if not and you can amicably split and retain your DH's relationship with DS- then that might be best.

My parents' marriage was fine on a day-to-day basis... but my father was quite detached and self-sufficient, while my mother was quite insecure, and really suffered from not having someone to confide in and share feelings. So I got cast in that role, until I went to university and wanted to separate and have my own life. My mother found this terribly upsetting.

Like LaQ I find needy people very hard to cope with, and have never had a long-term relationship myself. My life is lovely, and I'm very happy being single... but maybe because that's I could never see anything that great about being married?

You keep telling yourself all that baloney you tried to feed me. It sounded like a cheesy movie script, not real life. Maybe someday you'll believe it. I sure as hell don't. And neither will your daughter.
You are not SuperMum. You are not Jesus Christ. You are not Mother Theresa. You are not Ghandi. You are a Human Being who is flawed and has made a mistake. Own it. Mourn it. It is your mistake, not your child's.

I don't need to be told I'm selfish by people who aren't living my life.

You are being told you are selfish by the children of mothers like you. Heed our warning.

Changenamer101. I think LaQueen is trying to say that no matter how good an actress you are, that there will come a point when your DD and probably DSD too, will realise that it is an act on your part.
I think, that because your DH drinks a lot, that the realisation that all is not what it seems, will come to her as early as 9 or 10 years of age.
Do you have a plan at all about that?
Dont want to put a burden on you at all, so again dont answer me if you dont want to.

Sorry was referring to Changenamer101's response, not LaQueens (which was brillant).

Sorry you are upset Changenamer, no one is trying to be unkind. It is just that you have said yourself that you are desperately unhappy and that your life would be easier if you DH was dead. You have also basically said you are going to carry on in this miserable situation for as long as it takes. You can't expect people not to find that concerning. Yes, of course it is your choice, your life but don't be surprised that most people find that a sad, worrying set up where your feelings come at the bottom of the heap. I hope you are ok and that things work out for you. I do think people have offered very thoughtful advice.

Hello Amillionyears. I don't know. I suppose I will tell the truth. But I haven't planned for it because I have no reason to believe she will ever know that I don't feel as I should for her father. It's been at least 4 years, and in truth probably longer than that; 4 years was the camel/straw point. No-one else knows, no-one has 'guessed'. Not our family, not our friends. We don't argue, we spend time as a family (we are quite isolated in a way - we only do 'family friendly' things, and our friends respect that), I work hard and my time at home with DD is precious.

We all tell each other that we love each other all the time, there are lots of hugs and affection. An outsider wouldn't guess that anything was wrong on seeing us, so I am confused by Internet posters who can 'see' otherwise. It upsets me, but because I respect many of the posters who have commented (though not all), I am going to do some soul searching and check what I am doing. AF is certainly right that I enable DHs drinking, and I didn't see that before. I could challenge it, but then we will argue and where does that leave DD? I need to decide which is the lesser of the two evils.

Last night was hard on me because I worried about what people were saying, but in the cold light of day I can see that my experience, my life, is removed from what others are saying. Tonight the posts seem more aggressive, so I will leave it there. I get that people don't like what I am saying or doing but again I am hurting no-one but myself, and that is my choice.

An outsider wouldn't guess that anything was wrong on seeing us, so I am confused by Internet posters who can 'see' otherwise

That's because you have been honest on here about how you feel and what you are doing.

If you were posting as usual in your usual MN name no one would be saying this, so that would be the same as in real life.

Tonight the posts seem more aggressive, so I will leave it there. I get that people don't like what I am saying or doing but again I am hurting no-one but myself, and that is my choice

I think the point is that many who have been in your DDs position feel that they were hurt by being the child in your current situation.

It is useful to share experiences, but every relationship is different. A 'bad' relationship can improve, people change and people fall back in love. Hence no one else can say that it is a good idea to split, or a good idea to stay together for the sake of children.
People who stay together try to justify their decision, people who split try to justify theirs. People survive either way.

Love is very complex and no one can decide for someone else (except perhaps when there is criminal activity/ abuse).
People should share their stories, but for goodness sake- stop judging complete strangers!

Also, children pick up ways of behaving from their parents, without even being aware of it... and are affected for the rest of their lives by the dynamics in their household as they're growing up. Your DD may be oblivious aged 5, but at 10, 15, 20? What about when she starts getting interested in boys and you need to talk to her about adult relationships and how they should work?

Since your DH is an alcoholic, though, I imagine the situation will reach crisis point considerably before that.

Hello Changenamer. I'm glad you're still here and haven't been frightened off, and yes, some of us probably have been a little aggressive, but that's only because we care passionately, not because we actually want to cause you any pain. I hope you can see that.

When I need to think very hard on something, I try to strip it down to its very bare bones by removing as many confounding issues as I can.

What I see as the basic facts in your situation are these:

1. You are raising your children in a house with an alcoholic who doesn't pull his weight with domestic chores.

2. He has a tendency towards violence.

3. In order to protect your children from these violent tendencies, you enable him to drink as long as it falls with "acceptable" limits. You don't challenge him; you have submitted to him over his drinking and allow it to continue.

4. You force affection with a man you feel nothing for. And hope your children won't notice. You say you know they won't notice but previous posts on this thread provide some evidence that this a very dodgy assumption for you to make.

5. Your DDs will grow up thinking that it's okay/normal for a man to not work either in or outside the home, while the women provides the money and takes on the domestic responsibility.

6. Your DDs will grow up thinking it's okay/normal to be an alcoholic.

7. You have made a choice to continue with this situation indefinitely.

8. You are suffering through this choice you have made and are denying yourself a normal, happy relationship with someone else.

9. You are denying your DDs a genuine example of a loving, happy relationship on which to model their own. Nothing false is ever a good as the real thing. Not even close, no matter how good a fake it looks on the outside.

10. There is a high likelihood your DDs will suffer in the slightly-longer term as a result of this choice you have made, either when they start to challenge his drinking, or hit their teens and start acting up and stir up those violent tendencies again.

11. There is a high likelihood your DDs will suffer in the far-longer term as a result of this choice you have made, when they have trouble with normal relationships as adults, again as evidenced by women on this thread who have lived similar lives to your DDs.

I've asked you before, twice, and you haven't answered. Please tell us what terrible thing you fear will happen if you left him, that is worse than anything I've outlined above?

KlickKlackknobsac - yes, bad relationships can get better, if both partners work on it. But for that to happen, both partners need know there is actually a problem. I don't think anyone would deny that apparently failed relationships can be revived. But to live a lie, where no-one benefits? Why?