To think lateness is the rudest thing?

[slatternlymother]

It says 'my time is more valuable than yours'.

I just don't understand this attitude where it is ok to be late. It's so flakey! And yet it seems that so many people think it's alright.

I feel like there's this perception that it's a little bit cool, and if you pick someone up for it, then you need to 'relax'.

Well, it's bloody not alright. It is RUDE.

Grr.

We have friends who are always late.

But i like them.

It doesn't mean they hate me it just means they are CUNTS.

I am guessing you never need rely on public transport LaQueen ;-)

I always seem to be late, or have childcare problems or work issues. I hope my friends don't hate me or dump me for that - though I appreciate it can be frustrating.....

Exactly echo:)

Laqueen,yeah I didn't explain so well. The lateness is inbuilt to the timetable. We are newish to this area and the schools full thus have two different ones to get to. So child one is on time and child two is late for nursery, sometimes I then have a meeting at 9.30 back at the first school. Even on our best times I can't quite make it! The meeting doesn't wait and I just slide in.

Actually everything is ordered the night before, I get up dog walk, do hens, bf endlessly, do children, do shoes and bf some more before we go. Last week I was bitten by another dog one morning and on a different day spent twenty horrid mins cleaning dog shit off my dogs foot and body where it had flicked... We only got to school as the bell rang but made it technically.

I have been a governor before and after no one came forward to fill the gap at the new school the head asked if I would be one again, I said 6.30 was difficult he said come when you can so I do. Dh gets home between 5.45 and 6.45 pm... This tues meeting ends at half eight the same time I am due at the next meeting, I have sent apologies ahead but will be a bit late.

The idea of friends being 45 mins late or not texting etc is extraordinary...that isn't late that's non attendance. That said a few mins here or there doesn't bother me or my friends at all. My very best friend is a twenty mns early person, I love it when I arrive first to oyr meetings but it doesn't happen often...

Travel is fucked by my dyspraxia to some degree, I spent twenty mns driving past a restaurant last week whilst being lost and confused, it wasn't quite where I thought and sat nav felt the same. I eat here a couple of times a year and usually find it, I was five mins late. My friends had a drink waiting -they like me and don't find me disrespectful just daft.

As for the late attendees at school, clearly they do find it harder than some. There are different bits of life we all suck at. A friend kept me waiting last month because her forties hair do needed repining! It mattered to her so whilst I can't imagine caring less pin it up first friend. An old friend was so thoroughly late we used to tell her times an hour behind meet up time, she was scatty, generous and funny. Sadly she died young and was awfully early for that appointment... Life is too short to have people in your life who are twats but not all latecomers are arses.

Gah being late drives me nuts. How do these people manage to hold down a job?

I have one particular friend who is always late, She's a lovely person and a very good friend.

Like others have said, my friend has problems, lateness being just one of them but unfortunately not the most serious. Her H is a controlling cunt arse, she struggles on a day to day basis with him.
I certainly wouldn't just cut her out because she's kept me waiting for 30 mins once a month. I don't take it personally as I know she's like it with everyone. I just turn up about 15 mins late myself, order a coffee while I wait for her.

Echo I have pulled my friend up on her lateness and dumped her....temporarily.

But you can't have a friendship without meeting at least occasionally.

I think my friend's whole life is in a bit of a mess tbh and her lateness and general unreliability is causing huge problems for her at work which makes her feel even more stressed out which in turn makes it even more impossible for her to be even remotely on time if she's meeting me....so it's turning into a vicious circle.

I hope my dumping her hasn't stressed her even more so she's even later for work.....

Giving this further thought... as a semi-reformed and still struggling natural UP, I do feel that both punctuality and tolerance of lateness are to some extent situation-specific and that some people are too extreme about the issue. E.g. I would not be late to meet a friend for the theatre, but if we were meeting at a shopping centre with the aim of wandering around the shops together, I wouldn't think it a big deal to be late - they can start wandering whether I'm there or not. I also think that if someone won't go into a restaurant or bar on their own but stands martyrishly in the cold until I arrive to escort them in, that to some extent is their problem. Unless there's some sort of time-sensitive event in the plan, like a play, or a flight, I couldn't care less if people are late - I always have reading material and a million emails to answer and people to ring!

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm still not big on punctuality for its own sake. Some punctual people do tend to get a bit self-righteous over it and make it into a big issue. Back when I was a habitual UP, one friend would make a thing every time we made a plan of calling in advance to nag me about turning up on time, and I'd wonder what made it OK for her to phone up and say "don't be late, you were late last time and it was annoying" but not OK for me to say to her "don't bore on about your love life all night, you did that last time and it was annoying". We all have to tolerate some failings in our friends in order to enjoy their good points, and and I think some people make lateness into a worse crime than it actually is.

thoughts?

Yes I get what you mean.

My particular UP was always late for EVERYTHING, flights, trains, dinner when a table was booked etc etc. Re the being late if just meeting to wander round shops yes that's not sooo bad. BUT it still depends on the reason. Unusually bad traffic or bus delays are fine. Just not bothering to get up on time or deciding to do stuff that wasn't particularly necessary before leaving for the meet are NOT fine. Not in my book anyway.

It seems the world is divided into two sorts. Those who care about being on time and not making other people wait around for them and those that don't care.

And never the twain shall meet...literally!

HollaAtMeBay, I think it depends on the time pressures in the other person's life. Also, rightly or wrongly, if you are a punctual person and are kept waiting then by the time the person arrives the resentment may well have set in.

DH & I both work and only have one day at the weekend which is totally work free. This makes that day very important to us as we have to get lots of things done in a single day. At the same time we try to make it as free from stress as possible.

DPiL often want to call on us on that day. DPiL are retired and fully acknowledge that they have no time pressures. They are routinely late when visiting us. Sometimes by many hours.

When they are late we will have had to put our lives on pause while we wait for them to arrive. Then when they arrive we are expected to be pleased see them and not be bothered by their lateness or the hours we have been stuck waiting for them.

They see us as the weird ones with our strange need to have visitors fix a time to call and stick to it. Sometimes they find our punctuality discomfiting as they seem to be incapable of being ready for visitors at the time agreed.

Somehow we are supposed to know that they are running late. They dont phone and they dont have their mobile phones switched on.

That does sound highly annoying WTM. But why don't you visit them so you can control what time the get-together starts and ends, instead of waiting around for them all day? How are they "not ready for visitors" when you arrive if they don't have anything to do?

Alternatively, you could say "we'll be at home between 2 and 4, come round then" - and stick to it.

I think there is indeed a cultural aspect to punctuality - as evidenced by differing levels of lateness being acceptable in different countries.

Ultimately, in social contexts, it's about give and take, and any relationship will ultimately find its equilibrium (not dissimilar to spending levels, drinking levels, etc).

It's in non-social instances that this really matters. And too often the social and the official clash (DC drop off = play date for one, childcare in order to go to work for another). That's when it really hurts.

Holla, I think the 'they can just wander round on their own' thing you've said about is a bit arrogant tbh. The person you are meeting might have rushed to meet you on time, and they might have things to do. Why should they just have to wander round a shopping centre on their own because you've decided they can do that and that it's ok for you to be late? They may have things of their own that they would prefer to use that time to do, but because you'd agreed a time to meet, they've turned up to meet you! And if you can be on time for the theatre and other things, why not be on time for meeting in a shopping centre too? I don't get the fact that you, and other serial late people on this thread, think it's ok to just make people wait.

I know I wouldn't be particularly happy if I arranged to meet a friend to go shopping and they were very late. I'd feel resentful that I'd gone to the time and trouble to meet at the time we'd both agreed, getting my DCs ready, travelling etc, when I could have had that time at home having a cuppa and getting tasks done. I wouldn't be happy that a 'late' friend had taken it upon themselves to decide I could just shop alone until they decided to grace me with their presence.

Those who don't bother with timekeeping in general how do you keep you jobs? Assuming you have them that is? It's not many contracts that state you can rock up between 9-11ish, depending on what else you've got on, traffic, sleeping in, etc.

Portofino Sun 03-Mar-13 20:22:18

I am guessing you never need rely on public transport LaQueen ;-)

Argh! Not 'irregular', it should be 'infrequent'!

As a punctual person this is how other people's unpunctuality makes me feel:

• punctuality is one of the ways I express my courtesy, respect, liking for a person so if my punctuality is mocked by that person as being anal then it is my courtesy, respect and liking which is being mocked.

• by not being punctual to me then it does feel as though a little bit of courtesy is being dropped as though I am not worthy of that courtesy.

• other people's unpunctuality then pushes me to have to rush to keep on top of my own punctuality. Punctuality isnt for a single event.

The unpunctual person may not mean me to feel these things but I do.

HollaAtMeBaby - we do visit DPiL as well. They will often be doing something like still eating or not have got up/dressed when we arrive (at the time they suggested).

detoxlatte, you are very right about cultural/country differences in attitudes to punctuality. I lived in the Netherlands and had many German colleagues. Both of these countries are typically punctual. If dealing with people from these two countries especially in a work setting then you are wise to ensure that you can match their punctuality. It will affect how they perceive you.

I am guessing you never need rely on public transport LaQueen ;-)

It comes down again to the point about if you think you should arrive just in time or before the deadline time. For example, in order to be at work for 9am I could get the 08:12 train as I did this morning that will get me to work at 08:55ish. It's cutting it fine, but if everything runs on time, that's great. However, I only got that train today because I had to buy a new monthly ticket. I normally aim for the 08:03 and if I miss it (due to toddler not wanting to go to nursery, or not being able to find a parking space, or realising at the last minute I haven't renewed my ticket etc), I've got either the 08:08 or the 08:12 to still get me to work just in time.

For UP, they would aim for the 08:12, and then if that was just delayed by a couple of minutes, or missed it, they'd be late for work, but they often would think that's because the train was late, not because they'd aimed for the last possible option giving no allowances for things that can delay you.

Obviously, there's going to be times when the trains are hideously delayed so getting the earlier train won't make any difference, but by aiming for something that gets you where you need to be just in time means that it only takes a tiny delay to make you late. But it's not the tiny delay's fault you are late, it's the fact you didn't consider you might need a bit of 'give' in your schedule that's at fault.

(Oh and given a choice, I'd get an even earlier train to be on the safe side, but I am dropping DS at the earliest point possible at nursery as it is to get the 08:03, they won't have staff there any earlier)

Lateness can be irritating but it's always wortha sking why first

I get to school late every day; parents must think I am rude but short of handing around a leaflet saying 'Hi my child has ASD and can't cope with the crowds at drop off time so we sneak in 2 minutes late and it means he doesn't go into a corner and weep'- well I just have to accept they probably think I am some sort of lazy arrogant person.

However, day to day I try to avoid lateness and rarely am late because it's just not me