Livvilou sorry you've had such a roasting by idiots who have nowt better to do. May I suggest you don't post in AIBU in future? Some people do unfortunately see this as a fight club and throw insults here that they would never normally do elsewhere.
I can see by your responses that you have been pushed into a corner and so have come out fighting and defending yourself, which is fully understandable given the frankly idiotic responses by some. Still, you haven't had any posts deleted that I can see which makes you a much better person than some of these do-gooders who obviously can't help themselves.
Criticising you for the use of the phrase play date says it all really. Have some people really got nothing better to do?
I fully appreciate what you are saying.
If I make arrangements to pick a child up from school then I make sure I keep that arrangement. I would not send dh because that child would not know him and therefore it just wouldn't be appropriate. Also it's downright rude to make arrangements to collect a child and then send someone else in your place, even if they happen to be your partner. If the other parent doesn't know your partner, and the child doesn't know him then you are being unreasonable and rude to expect that mother to let her child go off with him.
I would not have a problem leaving the children with the partner though if both kids are happy with that. Sometimes as a mother you have to pick up older kids or do the shopping or run errands, whatever. It can't be helped and you can understand why those mothers would think nothing of leaving their partners in charge for a while. Having said that, I do try to make sure that I'm here for when they are picked up again.
It's just about politeness really isn't it? If the other mother only knows you and not your partner then it's unreasonable to assume she would be ok with your partner picking up her child. It's also only polite to ensure that you are there to greet her when she comes to collect her child.
As for dressing up. Well I've had children come round here who bring a spare change of clothes to get into. It's not a problem. They've also played dressing up games and once I went to collect my dd from her friends house and both she and her friend were completely nude! The father was also present. dd was only about 5 at the time and the man was a German hippy type but still I remember doing a Mumsnet thread about it at the time!
As a parent you have certain limits that you feel comfortable with. These people obviously don't share those limits. That's not to say that they are wrong, just that you may have to compromise.
Personally I would not be happy if I had arranged for my child to be picked up by another mum and she sent her husband who I didn't know instead. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation as it's never happened, but provided my child was still raring to go and it was confirmed that he was in fact the partner and not some uncle or friend, then I might allow it but I would voice my disapproval in some way.
As for going to collect my child and discovering just the father home, well I might think it a bit off for the mum not to have made the effort to be there but things happen so I'd just accept that one and perhaps make the effort whilst I was there to get to know the father a bit better.
When it comes to getting undressed. Now might be a good time to explain safety to your child. I have told mine if someone tries to make them do something which makes them feel uncomfortable, no matter what it is, they have the right to say no and walk away. No one should touch them in the places that are covered up by their swimming costumes. No one should try to make them keep a secret and if they do feel uncomfortable around someone, they don't need an excuse to ask to go home.
From now on perhaps you should limit play dates and if you are making similar arrangements with a mum for her to collect your child just say something like "can I confirm that you will be picking them up then, it's just that last time it was your partner and it was a bit awkward as neither myself nor my child knew them".
It's a reasonable enough request.
You do have to remember though that not everyone shares your concerns and at some point you will have to place trust in other people. But if you have the talk with your children, you can ensure that they are as safe as they can be.
Abuse is thankfully, still uncommon. Your children are more likely to be exposed to inappropriate computer games or see adult internet content than they are to be abused. These are the things I worry about now.
And forget the abusive minority on Mumsnet. Some people can get mightily het up and take everything out of context and way too personally. You weren't calling fathers abusers, you were hitting out after some posters backed you into a corner and hurled abuse at you. I get what you were saying.
Most of us are very supportive and helpful so please don't let this put you off. Just stick to chat and the other boards as AIBU is notorious for attracting idiots 