To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

[Livvilou]

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

I would anticipate that if someone hadn't met my husband, they might not be that keen on them being picked up by them, in fact I always text to say if it is not me picking up, if my mum or husband is doing it, so everyone knows what is going on and if they are not happy, they can say so.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to be worried dropping a 5 year old off to be cared for by someone you have never met. I am also more nervous of men I don't know caring for my children, especially extended families, and so my children don't do sleepovers either, which probably makes me neurotic by MN standards, but I like my children to be suprvised by people I know (so men I know/chat to/know family fine, men I have never met not fine) and not to stay overnight, so their time is always pretty straightforward (tea, dressing up, come home).

Much appreciated.

He presented it as being fun.
If I remember correctly the house was empty.
Again, if I remember correctly, he was going to tell them ghost stories.

Dont get your motive part of the question.

My point is though, that I trusted him. And told another parent that he was trustworthy as far as I knew.
But unbeknowing to me, my daughters didnt in fact trust him

I asked them why they hadnt told me this. And it seemed to be that they trusted me. They thought that even though they didnt feel comfortable around him, that he had to be ok because I let them go to his house.

To my knowledge I dont know of anything he has done. But I dont think I would have let them be alone with him knowing that they did not feel comfortable around him.

I mean't so what it was a big house - why is that a reason to collect lots of children there to go and sleep in it with the owner away?

Yes I get what you mean million; I have heard and been in lots of strange situs with people.

If you are uncomfortable with it then it's best not to let your dd go again. Of course not every man is a danger to children but in this day and age I think it would be sensible for men to do all that they can to protect themselves so say yes dress up is fine but please don't remove any clothing. I'd rather be paranoid than sorry afterwards and it's wrong to tell people you are picking up their child if you are then going to leave it to someone else.

My DD's best friend came over for their first play date. DD started dressing up and asked her friend to, she said she wasn't allowed! Her mum had told her not to! I was a bit surprised but not taking it personally. She is due over tomorrow and DD has asked her to come already in her princess dress which solves the issue!

@Maryz

Julie, you just aren't scary enough yet [snurk]

Oh, it's early days. Call it the honeymoon period.

OP I think you have had an unfairly vicious flaming, but it has to be said that unless you want to deny your DD a social life that you will have to accept that not all men are a risk to her, and in the 21st century both parents are involved in their DCs lives.

Out of DDs friendship group she has one friend whose parents have split up and have shared custody, so if she goes to play after school in the first part of the week she is picked up by the Mum, if it is the latter part of the week it is the Dad; another friend has both parents working opposite shifts, so this week the Mum picks up, whereas next week the Dad picks up.

Playdate 1 - I am really confused that nobody is thinking of the poor child's point of view here. As a small child it might be unsettling or upsetting to expect a friends mum that you recognise to collect you and then be collected by the friends dad who you've never seen. And then to go back to your friends house and be ignored as another friend is there is again potentially quite upsetting for the child. The lack of consideration of your child's feelings is the key issue. Your child probably won't want to go back anyway which could sort it for you!

Playdate 2 - a bit annoying of them to change plans last minute but I guess they didn't see that way. Maybe they thought they were being friendly or were after a return playdate from you to help them out! All I can say is that for this one you did know who your child would be with and where and still let them go so can't really be too annoyed with the other party. Maybe just have a few excuses ready why last minute change of plans won't work for you - eg expecting delivery,car in garage, partner forgot keys,etc so can't collect today - if you feel uneasy.

Fluffygal, I've told DD she's not allowed to dress up because she's had molloscum contagium. I didn't want her to spread it but neither did I want to draw a huge amount of attention from other kids to it in case bullying started kick in. As it was, DD ended up compromising by putting dress up clothes on top of normal kit but the original message from me was "don't try clothes on'

What a sad thread. :(

Sad that the OP is clearly so anxious and upset about all this, sad that perfectly innocent men are suspected of paedophilia for no apparent reason, sad that the OP's dd may be denied lots of opportunities as a result of her mother's fears. :(

OP, I think yabu but maybe there are reasons for your fears of which we are unaware. You have a right to do whatever you think is right to keep your dd safe. I hope you will find some balance and perspective.

I would probably mention it if I had arranged the playdate that DH would actually be doing the playdate. Not because of the fact that he is a man, but because I think it is a good idea for parents to have the name/contact details for whoever will be keeping an eye on their kids.

It would make no difference to me personally whether the responsible adult was Mum or Dad as long as someone was stopping them setting fire to the cat etc.

I think that you need to get to know the mother first, and then you either trust her judgement on choice of partner or you don't. When my youngest was 5 yrs he had a 15yr old brother. I don't feel the need to announce this.

When I read these threads thay make me really sad.
Op, Like MagicHouse (who was the last parent to stay at parties for nearly 7 (yes, 7 yr olds !! ), I worry about these parents.
Why are they so helicopterish? Why are they so cotton woolish. How is over-protective, good parenting? It is not.
I wonder, what ever happened to these people, the parents, to make them this way. Were they abused themselves , or has life scared them? Whatever it is, it needs to be addressed so they don't damage their own chidlren.

Agreed. Counselling is a good idea to help the Op overcome her anxiety.

I think you need to stop her having playdates if you don't like the possibility of men looking after her. A woman could be just as great a threat to her.

Think of the message you are giving her, showing it is OK to be paranoid about men!

Ah the welcoming mileu of mumsnet,ripping piss out if new poster.2nd post
Swearie
Yes just like the bad ole days of I'll get the popcorn,where's me ard hat crew
I didn't wholly agree with op sentiment but that level of pasting wasn't required

Op - if you're still there, I totally get your concern.

The bottom line is that you don't know the DH and it had been agreed that the mother would be picking up up your DD and present at the play date.

Agree that knowing somebody does not necessarily make it more 'safe' for your child but the mother should have absolutely checked with you first to let you know she would not be collecting the kids and not there during the play date.

How can it ever be OK for your 5 yr old child to be at a friends house, being supervised by a person that neither of you know and you didn't even know that this was happening?

Maybe those suggesting counseling,get their own counseling for being bumptious
Recommending counseling to online stranger based on 1 post.how you figure that?
Been watching frasier again,feeling all chin strokey?

Hi I think some parents are naturally more wary than others. I would probably be a bit iffy if I didn't know the dad or never met him, although I would have no reason to be suspicious. As a parent, I think you have to find your own comfort level and stick with it. If you are uncomfortable with your child going on a play date then don't let her go. You may have to make a few excuses or tell a few fibs even. But there has to be some letting go. My son is 9 and when he has a play date with his bf, we are all there. The 2 mums and all the kids lol. Tbh it's the two 9 year olds who are friends and me and the mum could have been having them over for about the last 3 years! It is most odd and I know her children don't have play dates with any other friends. But she is happy to go away with her mates for a weekend and leave the with Dad, which I don't do, so we are all different. Don't over think it, decide what you are comfy with, and go with that.

I think the bottom line is that the culture of "playdates" which came about as people were more unwilling to let kids out to play....has in fact created a situation which is rather worrying.

People won' allow kids onto the street to play as they're worried about abduction or traffic...but they're letting 4, 5 and 6 year olds go home with strangers.

Someone you've chatted to at the school gates a few times is not necessarily a good choice to hand your child over to....

YABVU. My DH is a SAHD and I would think it was bizarre if a parent wouldn't let their child come to their house because I would be at work and DH would be there instead.

You are allowed to be as protective you as you like, so it might be better if you stopped having playdates if they cause you so much anxiety.

By the way, I would be ticked off if a playdate location was switched at the last minute though. I HATE plans being changed, so YANBU about that bit.

I think op has a point. There are plenty of lunatics out there.
Of course it's okay for a child to go on a playdate if the person looking after the children is the dad, the issue here is that OP has never met this man. I think if the MUM invites the child to the playdate, either she stays at home looking after the children or she informs the other parents that someone else will look after the children.
Sorry, but I wouldn't be happy leaving my child with an man I do not know. Call me paranoid, but the world is a dangerous place.