To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

[Livvilou]

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

[maddening]

Maybe if you always do drop off and if jt is the partner (male or female) that you don't know say you'll take dd inside and speak to that person. You will have a little chance to get to know them.

Also maybe arrange a playdate at a soft play where all the adults come too and have a coffee and chat and see them interacting with the dc.

[Mogandme]

Whats the actual problem?

Playdate 1 - Mum has to go to an appointment/runs late; chids father picks up, children play, all is well

Playdate 2 - Child says she doesn't want to play at her friends house after school, Dad thinks "oh bugger other child may be upset at cancelled plans - I'll see if they want to come to us instead" When you drop off child is half way into getting into her fairy outfit but very eager to open the door and greet her friend. Girls play and DC decides to also do dressing up - You arrive and she has to get changed into her proper clothes.

Is that the jist of it?

[Livvilou]

I understand all what has been said and I am certainly not suggesting that every man is a paedo as my DH I would trust with my l holders life. But I would never tell a parent that I was picking up their child and then let my DH pick up the child and the child and the parent doesn't know him. I think dressing up is fine but I don't think it is ok for my 5 year old to have got undressed in someone else's house, am I to assume that she knows the difference between taking clothes off for dressing up and anything else that could happen?

[SizzleSazz]

I thought this was about me as i let the kids run riot supervise themselves while i worked in the garden

I am more than happy for my DD to be supervised by a dad and dress up (that's what they do at that age isn't it?)

Mind you DD2 (4) walked into a house, stripped off to dress up and wasn't wearing any pants

[VinegarDrinker]

Er, yes. YABU. Massively so.

[mamadoc]

DH and I work 4 days each so both of us host play dates on our days off. He does most school drop offs and pick ups too as do many, many other dads at our school. I couldn't care less what gender the parent responsible is I care much more whether I know and trust them. If I didn't I would ask to come too the first time (dd is also 5). Do you live in 1959??

[bangersnmash]

Seriously is this for real?
If so ,have my very first

[VinegarDrinker]

" in this day and age you can never be too safe"

The overwhelming majority of child abuse is committed by family members.

[WilsonFrickett]

I don't think many 5 yo's would say they 'knew' me and I am at the school gate every single day twice. If you send your child to my home you are likely to encounter the people who live in my home, one of them is my DH.

[Rainbowinthesky]

As the mother of a nine year old dd I can tell you that girls change into each others clothes all the time at each others houses. I have frequently picked up dd from a house with just a man there and dh has had her friends home.
OP, you might need to consider counselling as you are extremely paranoid.

[coldcupoftea]

It wouldn't bother me at all. I used to work weekends, so DH would always be the one supervising weekend playdates, taking the kids to parties etc. Once the parents were running late and it was nearly bedtime so he put all the kids in the bath together (this was the DC of good friends though, not a random playdate from school!)

YABU

[WilsonFrickett]

I also know a playgroup supervisor who is a man.
And women abuse children too OP.

[TheChaoGoesMu]

I think you need to think very carefully op before you act and really think about what people have said here. Unless you have justification for what you are saying, you are going to have one very unhappy 5 yr old with no future playdates.

[mummysbigsmiles]

I dont think people need to be nasty to her!! She is just beating a worrying mother.... Haven't we all worried about things that may seem to be to other... Silly? So i think the ODFOD comment is a little nasty!

[DialsMavis]

What exactly do livvie and mummybigsmiles mean about the 'present climate' and 'this day and age' mean? Are you under the impression that rates of sexual abuse have risen dramatically?

[Antipag]

This is definitely time for virgin givers bangers!

[VinegarDrinker]

I can just about understand the concern about an unknown adult picking up your DD for her playdate. But their gender is entirely irrelevant.

[exoticfruits]

I don't see how you get dressed up without undressing first. If I say I will pick up a child it means 'we' will pick up a child-whoever is doing the school run-I probably don't know at the time-and even I did things might change.

[NopeStillNothing]

Nope. Still BU.

[exoticfruits]

It seems a bit one sided-would you really have the same reaction if you arranged it with the father and then found out the mother did it?

[aquashiv]

Honestly Op if you worry about such things then dont have playdates. Your child will be fine without them