To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

[Livvilou]

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

Yabu.

My DH is much more "fun" than I am...more patient for games, etc. He loves children and they love him, and he always plays when DS has play dates.

I have a friend who has PTSD and has a lot of these anxieties. Her DDs only go to a few houses to play, are not allowed to go to birthday parties as a general rule, do not see male doctors...and the list goes on. She is receiving counseling though.

errr... I wouldn't allow my child to go and play at someone's house unless I had established some sort of rapport with them. Even if it's only based on chatting in the playground I would have to feel as if I got a sense of that person IYSWIM? If it was an "out-of-the-blue" invitation from a parent that I had never chatted to previously, then I would make a point of going with my child on the first occasion just to see the lie of the land and hopefully get to know the parent.

I actually would feel a little put out if say I had chatted with the mother and then learnt that the Dad had picked up and hosted the afternoon IF I HAD NEVER MET HIM BEFORE. Maybe that makes me paranoid, odd etc... but it would jar with me somewhat. If that Dad had been a regular on the school-run and I had chatted with him and then I wouldn't mind (unless I took a dislike to him obviously!)

The dressing up thing sounds like an overreaction but you were obviously uncomfortable with the whole occasion and unfamiliar with what goes on when kids get together like this.

My advice to you is to try and relax, invite other children over - invite their parent in for a cup of tea and if you don't feel ready to let your child go to other people's houses yet then don't until you are ready. She's only 5 and a school day is often enough to be dealing with at that age without all the after-school socialising that seems to be expected these days.

[quote Maryz]

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Oops! [ blush] sorry, no idea what happened there!!

Yabvvvvvvvvu bloodly hell chill out. Your poor dd sounds as though she is being suffocated by your issues. So she's nt allowed to undress at her friends house so can't join in any dressing up games her friends sy be playing. Geese get your self sorted out

I NEEEEEEED to know what ODFOD is please???

Hello JulieMumsnet

OP, I too think YABU. Sorry.

mary

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. If I invited a child to play I would not leave dh (or anyone else) to supervise. If I was taking the children out I would check with the parents.

If I had arranged for ds to be picked up by his friends mother then I would expect the mother to pick them up. I would not be happy if she went out leaving him with someone else or if she took them out somewhere without letting me know.

I am, however, happy for ds to be picked up, supervised or taken out by his friends dad if that is what we have arranged.

@MumVsKids

I NEEEEEEED to know what ODFOD is please???

Hello JulieMumsnet

OP, I too think YABU. Sorry.

Hello. It was deleted as it breaks our talk guidelines, so it is likely to make your ears bleed if someone tells it to you, and we wouldn't want that to happen.

Thank you, would've taken me FOREVER to work that out!!

Feel the need to say something else here.
But will be scant will details so as not to out myself.

When my daughters were younger, they were friends with a group of siblings. The siblings had mum and step dad.
I am sure that on occasions my DDs were alone with the siblings and step dad.
At one point, stepdad was looking after a big house for someone, while owner was away.
He wanted [as far as I can remember, owner didnt mind] my DDs and his stepchildren and at least 2 other girls to spend the night at the empty house. I didnt see a problem with this as I knew the stepdad.
I did think it was a little odd, but wasnt concerned. However the parent of the other girls was concerned enough about it, to ask me what I thought. I said I thought there wasnt a problem, as my girls had been with this man often.
So, they all went.had a nice time [though I was glad that it went ok, as I had said it would to the other parent.]
Thought no more about it.

Then, about 5 years later, when my girls were a lot more mature, the stepdad came up in conversation.He had by this time parted from the mum. And they told me that they had never trusted him, they had always felt a bit funny around him. They all thought the same.

So, actually,I suppose, and I dont know how to put this, you might consider asking your DC, if old enough, what they think about their friends parents or guardians.
There may well be one or two of them, who are a bit uneasy. But may not be saying anything.

I never thought to ask mine, probably because I considered my own judgement good enough.

liv wow what a flaming you have had! Not every one is so harsh, honest!!

Put this one down to experience. I never let my dc go to house i didnt know also, the parent i knew had to be there too. . Ultimatley your the mummy - ur in charge.

Its natural to be worried so ignore the flamers.

OP YABU

But part of the reason you got flamed is the way you phrased your Aibu which was unfortunate.

I think you need to reasses how you keep your daughter safe fwiw- yes it is the absolute priority but it's important to not be risk adverse.

A million,

I dont get it - why would he want them all to spend night at big house and why is that a motive?

That sounds bizzare in itself to me.

felicity