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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

306 replies

Livvilou · 19/02/2013 20:27

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

OP posts:
applesandbears · 19/02/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

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CarpetBagger · 19/02/2013 21:08

I freecyle alot and as a matter of courtesy if I cannot pick something up but ask my DH to go - I always tell the person, so they know who the strange man is coming to thier door.

I would expect the same courtesy too, if I was expecting x to collect my DD and couldnt, just a quick text to say " I am bla bla so Dh will be collecting".

Op I think your right to be concerned about your childs safetly per se definatly.

Its always good to be vigilant and observant and know whats going on.

You have to walk a fine line between being too paranoid - and being vigilant etc.

Original poster
Livvilou · 19/02/2013 21:08

To think that I could express my distress about something to do with my child and be so met so quickly with such venom. My wishes to protect my child come from the fact that day in day out children are abused by people that we know and that we see as friends not just family members. I know abusers come in all shapes and sizes and I am happy for all of you that have no worries that your children are safe in the hands of the people you choose to leave them with. You are right when you say you don't know who people are and I would never expect people on a mums networking website to be so nasty. I will do what I feel is the best for my child the same as you do for yours and I will never second guess myself and ask for advice again.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 21:08

TBH, lets face facts - most abuse is in the home ...OP .... yes most abuse is in the home ..... take a long look at your DH, father, brother, BIL, cousins BEFORE getting paranoid about the father of a school friend.

apostropheuse · 19/02/2013 21:09

Indeed dereksmalls - or even dywanty come tae ma house?

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 21:09

Exactly apostropheuse

Poor old "Coming to tea" has been totally sidelined Grin

CognitiveOverload · 19/02/2013 21:09

Well i guess its a parenting choice and there is probably no right answer.

CarpetBagger · 19/02/2013 21:11

Op dont be upset.

You do what feels right for you as a parent.
FWIW even people I trust I always hold back 2% because you never know.

YABU un reasonable however: "To think that I could express my distress about something to do with my child and be so met so quickly with such venom."

This is mn after all.

scottishmummy · 19/02/2013 21:11

Here the thing I'm rarely available for after school meet up,dp is
He's more than happy to accompany weans to after school teas
As he is a caoeable parent,no one bothers about dads supervising kids

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 21:13

If you post on AIBU-you have to be able to take the fact that people will tell you, loud and clear that you are. If you are looking for everyone to agree, because you are so sure you are right then don't post. I have been heartened by the fact that common sense is prevailing. I dare say I will return tomorrow and see that paranoia has set in.
I could get just as easily upset that people think my lovely DH can't be trusted with little girls just because he is a man.

HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 21:13

Op - dont ever ask a school chum to come to play with your Dh in the house will you - you might trust him - but somewhere, somehow there will be a forum thinking he's nair'dowell, preying on little girls. Now you think on that long and hard.

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2013 21:14

OP chill out really.

I don't imagine for a second you'll know the entire history of every Mother who supervises your child on a play date visit to a friend's house.

I don't imagine you would know if that Mother was an alcoholic/binge drinker/drug user/prone to psychotic outbursts...or whether she had a criminal record as long as your arm.

Yet if your child makes friends with her DD, there'll come a time when you'll end up blindly trusting her.

So why such distrust of Dads?

Why not blindly trust them too?

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 21:15

I freecyle alot and as a matter of courtesy if I cannot pick something up but ask my DH to go - I always tell the person, so they know who the strange man is coming to thier door

I free cycle-it would never occur to me-why does it matter-they are not going past the front door.

Shakirasma · 19/02/2013 21:15

OP you are aware that women can be child abusers too, aren't you?

Dereksmalls · 19/02/2013 21:15

Actually Livvilou you are right. I don't agree with the degree to which you appear to be concerned but only you (and your DH) can decide what you are comfortable with. Stick to the boundaries you are happiest with.

DialsMavis · 19/02/2013 21:16

Going for a "playdate" in our "onsie's".... That's what is wrong with this day and age Angry. When I had DD someone "messaged" me on FB to say they "hoped we could playdate soon" [vom]

5madthings · 19/02/2013 21:16

I think its fucking depressing that some people have this attitude towards men. My dp works in a children's home is curb checked and specialises in caring for children with severe behavioral issues mainly caused by abuse. Yet he worries at times what people think because he works with children. Its seen as odd that as a male he would want to :( he is bloody good at his job and its depressing that people will assume an alterior motive just because of his gender.

And as exotic said, its offensive, how can you not take of fence at a parent sating they are worried about leaving their child with your partner.

Lone fathers are screwed and gay men with kids etc, its a crap attitude to have, esp when as others have said statistically it will be her own father or uncle or cousin etc who us more likely to abuse her.

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 21:17

I am convinced that some parents would like to see a CRB check, the state of the kitchen, the menu and the parent's philosophy on parenting before they let their child go for a simple couple of hours playing with a friend. (they are just upset that they can't demand this!)

NopeStillNothing · 19/02/2013 21:17

That is ofcourse your prerogative OP. AIBU is not the place to ask if you are not prepared to be told YABU.
If you had posted elsewhere that you are experiencing unreasonable, paranoid thoughts and they are affecting you and upsetting you then you would have been met with nothing but support. That I can assure you.

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 21:19

And as exotic said, its offensive, how can you not take of fence at a parent sating they are worried about leaving their child with your partner.

My mind boggles at how you actually voice it without causing offence-I would love to know how you manage it!
Some men are infant teachers/nursery workers etc. (and very good ones)

Maryz · 19/02/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CognitiveOverload · 19/02/2013 21:23

To be fair, the best thing to do is educate your child healthy and unhealthy relationships which will mean you won't have to be present at every playdate and they will talk openly to you about any concerns they have. However 5 may be a bit young for that so until then, just either have children over to yours or stick around when its at families you dont know.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 21:24

If you choose to send your DD home with people who you do not know then what do you expect?? Any old person could come into their home...you don't expect people to shut up the house because your child is there do you?

If you're not happy with this...don't do playdates.

I never send my reception aged DD to other people's homes unless I know all the occupants and am happy to allow them to supervise.

MrsMushroom · 19/02/2013 21:25

Oh and OP....it's not just men who hurt children. It's women, girls, boys...ALL kinds. But they're rare....if you are unhappy with the risk then seriously...don't do playdates unless you know the parents.

Original poster
Livvilou · 19/02/2013 21:27

To nopestillnothing to be told i YABU is not a problem for me, but I was brought up to respect the feelings of others hence the question.

It would not be my intention to upset anyone and as i have never posted on mn before i did expect some reasonable advice which i have got ( thank you for those) but not the venomous back lash, but like i said this is the climate that our children are growing up in. And if you are not sure what climate that is, just read a newspaper.

Peace and love

OP posts: