To expect that a mum supervises the children on a play date?

[Livvilou]

Please bear with this long post. At my DDs school play dates are common. I am not so bothered about them as I didn't go to people's houses when I was a child. My DD went to a child's house the mother told me she would pick her up from school. I called later and it seemed to me the mother was not at her house as expected. I sent my DH to pick up our daughter and the mother of the child said she had run an errand and left my DD with her partner and her daughter. Her partner had also picked up my DD from school but I didn't even know his name, he has only ever said hello to me and she said she would pick up my DD. my DD didn't have a good time at the playdate because her daughter didn't want to play with my DD because another friend of hers was also at the house. The same mother asked if my DD could go on another play date and this time I spoke to her about what happened last time. She claimed to have no knowledge of the fact that her daughter didn't want to play with mine. Which is ludicrous as she told this to my husband when he came to pick up DD and my DD told me what happened too.
Today my DD went to another child house. This child was supposed to come to our house and this morning her father tell me she wants my DD to come to her house. I said this isn't what has been agreed. The father says he asked his daughter today and she wanted my DD to come to their house. He then asks my DD if she wants to go to their house. Of course she says yes. I was livid! The mother made the original appointment with me, and didn't tell me she would be working. I dropped my DD off at the house and her friend comes to the door in a vest and pants and I wonder what she is doing. Her father says she is dressing up. I pick my DD up an hour later and find that she has also been dressing up and has to put her trousers and socks on before she can go home with me. I do not feel happy having my DD being supervised my male partners. I am not saying that anything has happened but I can't imagine why this isn't seen as strange. My DH spoke with our DD and told her she is not to undress at anyone's house and she said the house was really hot, and she is right as I remember thinking that as I stood at the living room door. I understand that dads also look after their kids and i think that is great, but in the climate that we live today, I need to feel I am doing every thing I can to keep my DD safe without being paranoid. Any thoughts as I have been in a distressed state all day. Not only because a 5 year old managed to change the plans, but because I feel now I have to explain myself to keep my DD safe. I am sure I will upset someone if I say what I really want, ie. for the mother to be there at the play date. I have felt terrible all day from the worry.

[CarpetBagger]

Exotic As a matter of courtesy, and how do you know who comes through the front door?

My DH has spent quite a few evenings - dismantling things on FC in someone elses house so they can be transported!

Once again op, please don't be upset about this thread and please don't be worried about the play date either.

Five is still very very young.



If I was arranging a " Play Date" with another parent, if I had to go off and leave DH with the DC I would let the other parent know, as a simple matter of courtesy or if DH had to pick them up etc.

[exoticfruits]

Sorry OP-I see that you are a new poster-you were not to know that if you start an AIBU it is fairly 'robust'. If you want support never choose it-you will get help with anxiety elsewhere. Perhaps just have DCs to play at your house until you feel more comfortable.

[scottishmummy]

I think you've been unfairly pilloried,the smartarse odfd etc
Don't sweat it about a thicko putdown
If you do need additional reassurance perhaps accompany dd.my weans only go to homes of known friends

[exoticfruits]

I refuse to bring my DCs up in a climate of suspicion and fear. It is no worse than it has ever been-it is just more out in the open now.

[TheSkiingGardener]

I do read newspapers. I don't think I read the one that you do....

[5madthings]

What exotic said at 21:29

[CognitiveOverload]

I agree AIBU should come with a warning... not all of MN is as nasty as this part.

[exoticfruits]

If they are going into someone's house to dismantle things, CarpetBagger, then I agree you need to arrange first.

[RebeccaMumsnet]

peace and love people, peace and love

[5madthings]

There is an exclamation mark and 'note whilst aibu does canvas opinions, it is not a fight club' we which is a warning of sorts!

[babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood]

FGS the media has really done one on you hasn't it? Children are no less safe now, in pretty sure of it! Whether we're talking hundreds of years ago or 50 years ago (moors murders?) bad things have happened. There are new risks like the Internet, but honestly. Chill out!

The backlash is your attitude that these horrible deadly men are turning the heating up do your dd can strip off. FFS.

Don't take risks you're not happy with. Educate your DC on how to protect themselves as far as they can. But do not generalise all men as abusers, especially on this type of forum.

[CarpetBagger]

No its not a fight club, its a tank of PIRANHAS idly swimming about until some one like OP drops in, then they all go to feed.

Especially love it, if there is a tiny thing they can seize on and magnify such as " play date".

[5madthings]

Possibly but you dont have to lurk for long to see what aibu is like!

I have been flamed on aibu, I see it as an initiation ceremony!

[whateveritakes]

I think some of the other parents are being quite rude actually. You don't have playdates (especially at 5) and then invite other children ( not supposed to be a party).At the least parents should tell you some other child will be there too if they plan on inviting more than one.

If someone invites your DD to theirs you can say no. I might be a tad concerned that they were changing plans and that their children didn't like mine. I don't think I would worry about other halves looking after my child but then I know all the mum's well. Do you think that might be the problem?

[difficultpickle]

The only comment I have is it seems perfectly reasonable regarding the first playdate that the dh didn't tell his dw their dd refused to play with the OP's dd. To say it is 'ludicrous' that the dw didn't know is frankly ludicrous.

Playdates are not compulsory.

[amillionyears]

Agree with maryz. 2nd time today!

This parent has just started to do playdates.

I comes down to trust for the op.
What I cant quite make out, Livvilou, is how well you know the mums.
Because if you dont really know the mums, and dont much know the partners, then it is more or less the same.
But I presume you know the mums a bit?

But the ops you have described are normal.
It often happens, for whatever and vaired reasons, that mum and you will arrange a playdate, but a husband or partner will pick them your child, drive them etc.

And yes, dressing up at other people houses is normal too.

And yes, playdates with mum , dad, partner, even older teenage siblings , all have to happen with a bit of trust involved.

It is a bit of letting go for you, and a bit of letting go for your daughter.

[CarpetBagger]

True but this lady has said she has felt terrible all day from the worry.

Kinder words surely?

[LegoAcupuncture]

Would it bother you as much if your child was a boy Op?

I think you're overthinking things tbh. Do you supervise your children at all times or does your DP do it as well?

[puffinbillygoat]

I guess if you are not happy with your DC's friends dad being present at playdates = dont do playdates! Maybe your DC's friends mums would prefer you not to ask their pfb's to yours either - especaily as your OH MAY pose a risk. Sigh!

[amillionyears]

I want to give you a hug actually.
I think you got a roasting there when you shouldnt have done.

[JulieMumsnet]

Just to be clear, here are the Talk Guidelines We know that this is AIBU, but there's limits as to what is acceptable and what isn't. It won't cause any harm if you take a few minutes out to go and read them again.

Many thanks.

[VincenzaOfSaragossa]

I feel sorry for the OP here, even if I don't agree with her concerns about men per se.

OP: I find it helps to know the parents of your children's friends. If you know both parents well, you will be happier about leaving your DD with them (there is obviously a degree of trust involved here too: you could think you know someone, only to find out that they have a mile-long criminal record).

My DD has been to play with every girl in her class. It's a small class in a small school. I know all the parents (mothers and fathers alike), and am as confident as I can possibly be that she will be looked after. Sometimes plans change, and it's the dad who's supervising. I prefer it to be the mum, but this is prejudice rather than 'reasonable'. For the same reason, I prefer to supervise my children and their friends myself, and will tell their parents if it will be DH supervising instead (just so everyone knows what's what).

This is a rather longwinded way of saying that I wouldn't let my DC go to people's houses unless I knew the parents very well and felt confident about them. This will naturally change once they are in secondary school, but I am comfortable with it as it is for now. I think you need to decide what you're comfortable with, and stick to your own comfort zone.