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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly sick of my bridezilla sister

115 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:10

She is getting married to her DP in the next couple of months. We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm. Our DDs were meant to be bridesmaids so I assume they now won't be.

I offered for us to ask if our (new) nanny could care for her DSs overnight on her wedding night meaning that we could stay at the wedding, she said this would be fine. I came back to her with a price and she asked, are you sure YOU want to pay that?

She has spent £1500 on her wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses have cost £15 each second hand. I know the cost isn't really my business, but they are cheap looking and not completely clean.

I said we were happy to help look after DNs during the wedding and reception but didn't feel comfortable sharing care with my estranged parents so either we would have them for the whole thing or a 3rd party, perhaps a friend or relative would need to help with that. Her response was that if there was any arguments between us we would be asked to leave. This would never happen, despite the horrible history between us (emotional abuse from my father, alcoholism and neglect from my mother) I would never cause any unpleasantness at her wedding.

I don't know what to do. She has sent horrible texts this evening accusing me of ruining her wedding, criticising my wedding and calling me all the names under the sun.

WIBU to accept her 'uninvitation' or do I need to be the bigger person and fix this mess, ie put up with this nonsense?

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 19/02/2013 19:30

What Kungfu said. Every word.

FlouncingMintyy · 19/02/2013 19:36

I don't agree with what Kungfu said at all! Kf says that is fine for op's sister not to want op there if she isn't willing to provide overnight childcare and leave early. Really? That's really fair enough? I don't think so.

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 19:48

Snazzy, she was saying that we could all share the care of the baby. Obviously DN1 will be bombing around rhe dancefloor like little boys do at weddings. I asked that either swaps were to anyone other than my parents from/to us or we would be happy to look after the boys with everyone getting cuddles.

I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation all round.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 19/02/2013 20:00

I think Kungfu could be the crazy sister! It's a massive ask, especially when you have small children of your own.

JacqueslePeacock · 19/02/2013 20:00

I could be missing something here, but if the wedding is in a couple of months and the smaller DS will only be 4 months old, does that mean your sis currently has an 8-week old baby? I know I certainly wasn't at my finest and most reasonable when DS was 8 weeks old...

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 20:16

He's 11 weeks but I see your point.

OP posts:

Inertia · 19/02/2013 21:49

You see, now you've clarified I can kind of see why your sister could take the meaning of 'during the day' to mean 'all day', and why she might have thought your nanny offer was a generous gift to her (though of course it's completely understandable that this is unaffordable for you).

You know exactly what you meant from the outset, but from an outsider's perspective it's possible to see why she's upset -it can easily be interpreted as you making offers to look after the children / get nanny in for the duration, and then withdrawing the offer; this could easily be seen as you pissing her about, especially when you start stipulating what contact you will or won't have with your parents.

I can see your point of view too- your childhood sounds awful, your sister has let you down in the past, she is acting like she's throwing a strop now, why should you go to the wedding simply to act as the unpaid childcare and have to leave early and not drink. But I guess the bigger issue here is whether you're willing to meet your sister halfway for the sake of the relationship in the future. Maybe you could do what Littlefish suggests and look after the children, but explain that you would stay until (say) 10pm , and sister will need to send along the baby's pram to sleep in . Would you then take them to your house, or would you need to pay out for a bigger hotel room?

Why won't your parents look after the children btw?

Inertia · 19/02/2013 21:51

And as Jacques says- your sister is 8 weeks post partum, dealing with a newborn and a wedding and troubled family relationships - she isn't likely to be at her most rational.

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 22:10

She has now called my DH to whine to him about how unreasonable I am being. She left a message asking him to call her. Little does she know that he made the final decision after we discussed it.

She called my DH to complain about me. Is she utterly stupid?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 19/02/2013 22:27

oh dear, well, however it ends up I send you love dear missinga

I think your childhoods and difficult rship is at the root

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 22:30

I know Hully, thank you. I don't think it will ever be resolved until she has counselling and then maybe therapy together.

OP posts:

Yfronts · 19/02/2013 22:36

can you offer to pay the babysitter as your wedding gift to her?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/02/2013 22:51

Where is the reception being held? Is it in a hotel or similar? At our wedding we had a sleeping room very near the reception room & employed babysitters for the evening. Would something like that work?

Herrena · 19/02/2013 22:58

I feel your pain - my sister and I have had a tempestuous relationship and she can be prickly that's putting it fucking mildly

However, I think a wedding may be one of those events where you have to grin and bear her crappy behaviour - if you want to have any chance of a relationship with her in the future, that is. If you don't go, the family legend will always be 'Remember how evil Inga didn't attend Sis's wedding?' If you do go, the legend might be 'Remember how Inga went to Sis's wedding and looked after the kids even though Sis was being an unreasonable monster?'

Not attending a major family event is hard to come back from. She sounds like bloody hard work but I think you may have to bite the bullet here. Sorry.

Can't believe she has called your DH to complain about you, that's another tick in the 'Post-partum and Crazy' column!!

Pigsmummy · 20/02/2013 10:50

How much she spent on the dress isn't relevant, you got to wear the dress that you wanted on your wedding day didn't you? So why resent hers? Her dress was probably one of the first things that was chosen before all the money for everything else started to rack up.

You said during the post that you were invited just to provide child care, that's hardly true when your DD's were/are to be bridesmaids? The idea of everyone helping is nice but someone will need them overnight, that can't be done in shifts can it? I am with Kungfu on this, you could have a drink during the day to enjoy the fluffiness of the day and not drink in the evening, leaving at tenish or so. Yes it is a big ask but it's your sisters wedding day, to you it's just another day and you are a guest in the wedding, tbh the wedding isnt really about you, will your DD's be very upset if not bridesmaid anymore?

As for her ringing your husband maybe it's because she feels like she can't talk to you?

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