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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be utterly sick of my bridezilla sister

115 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:10

She is getting married to her DP in the next couple of months. We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm. Our DDs were meant to be bridesmaids so I assume they now won't be.

I offered for us to ask if our (new) nanny could care for her DSs overnight on her wedding night meaning that we could stay at the wedding, she said this would be fine. I came back to her with a price and she asked, are you sure YOU want to pay that?

She has spent £1500 on her wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses have cost £15 each second hand. I know the cost isn't really my business, but they are cheap looking and not completely clean.

I said we were happy to help look after DNs during the wedding and reception but didn't feel comfortable sharing care with my estranged parents so either we would have them for the whole thing or a 3rd party, perhaps a friend or relative would need to help with that. Her response was that if there was any arguments between us we would be asked to leave. This would never happen, despite the horrible history between us (emotional abuse from my father, alcoholism and neglect from my mother) I would never cause any unpleasantness at her wedding.

I don't know what to do. She has sent horrible texts this evening accusing me of ruining her wedding, criticising my wedding and calling me all the names under the sun.

WIBU to accept her 'uninvitation' or do I need to be the bigger person and fix this mess, ie put up with this nonsense?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:52

She's a bit selfish all the time though. I can't count the number of times we have looked after their older DS despite having 4DC ourselves, she refused to look after our DC when I was in labour with DC4 as she was too busy. She was getting pissed with her friends. That's fine, I don't expect her to look after my DC, but I don't see why it's not reciprocal.

As it happens, we had hired a babysitter for our youngest DC so we could enjoy a later evening with our older DC at the reception. No we wouldn't be trashed, but there's a difference between caring for preteens being a bit tipsy and looking after someone else's 4mo baby. That's a stone cold sober responsibility.

OP posts:
DonderandBlitzen · 18/02/2013 22:54

Yes I agree I would offer to have the kids on my sister's wedding night. That could be your present to her.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:54

Snazzy, I hadn't considered that she might feel that I 'owe' her. That is a distinct possibility. I know that she resents the difference in our chilkdhoods, she just doesn't see that I was damaged by all of it too.

OP posts:
hippo123 · 18/02/2013 22:59

But she's your sister, and she's getting married. If you can afford it hire the nanny, if you can't then just accept you'll be having an early, sober evening. I don't see what all your family history has to do with it and you shouldn't worrying her about family dymanics / arguments before the wedding, sounds like your getting a bit of a kick trying to stress her about about it. And it shouldn't be a competetion as to who as helped out who in the past, time to start afresh with your relationship I think and be the better women.

Snazzynewyear · 18/02/2013 22:59

I guess it is easier for her to blame you (especially because she knows you have been abused before too and therefore will 'take it') than your father? Have you ever talked to each other much about it?

I am now leaning a little bit towards saying you could offer to have the DC on this occasion, because otherwise it seems a bit like your dad has somehow won and a day when you and your sister could be together and create a happy family memory will instead be a cause of bitterness. How much would the nanny cost for the night, if that's the only solution with the 4mo? I would maybe go with Donder 's idea and do it as your present.

I would, however, think about drawing a line under this and saying to yourself that after the wedding you would take a tougher line and not do any more childcare if you never get it back. But that's all for you to think about.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:59

Why am I horrible for mentioning the disparity in the cost of the dresses? I was trying to make a point about her priorities. If they were nice dresses I wouldn't care less about the cost or newness. It's aaaaaall about her. Actually, it's scary, she hasn't mentioned what her DP wants once, it's all about what she wants. I'm tired, I've had enough of her selfishness. I know she is all fucked up but it's not my fault.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 18/02/2013 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:02

Hippo, what? Have you read all of my posts? Actually our family history has everything to do with the current problem.

OP posts:
Cailinsalach · 18/02/2013 23:02

I know someone who gets invited to loads of family parties but is then expected to stay sober and leave early with the children, keep them overnight until their parents have slept off the hangover. They once suggested that just once could they enjoy themselves without having to provide childcare and you know what? They were uninvited too.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:04

£100 for the night, 9pm until 9am the following morning was the nanny's rate.

As an aside they have also asked for money for their wedding gifts

OP posts:
Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:05

Funny that Cailin Grin Maybe we're just not nice enough people to be invited on our own merits...

OP posts:
Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:06

Not as far as I know Matilda, she just sort of assumed we were without asking.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/02/2013 23:07

of course its alll about her. its her wedding.

Snazzynewyear · 18/02/2013 23:08

I'd be tempted to pay for the nanny and write a nice card to go onto the gift table at the wedding where you say that instead of giving money directly to them, you used it on the nanny so they could relax and have a really special wedding night Smile. Do it that way so they can't moan about it till afterwards. Then tighten up your childcare availability considerably.

Then again, I would never give £100 as a wedding gift, so it is definitely a generous gesture! Depends on your finances too I guess. Maybe offer to halve it? Would anyone else chip in?

YellowDinosaur · 18/02/2013 23:08

Well if they've asked for money for their wedding gifts they can use that to pay for the nanny. Problem solved.

And to all those calling the op mean for not helping with her sisters children on her wedding day have you read any of the back story at all? Yes, I'd do this without question for my sister too but then I know she'd do the same for me in a heartbeat.

The op sister prioritised getting pissed over helping the op with childcare while she was in labour. She's hardly owed a favour.

That said it may help your relationship with your sister if you are a little more accommodating. Or there may be way too much water under the bridge for this. Only you know which of these is the case and whether you will be more pissed off /upset to miss her wedding or to be taken for granted.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 18/02/2013 23:10

Just pay the nanny. Jesus. Its one day, wrecked forever if theres a massive cloud of aggro. Id hope to be cut some slack on my wedding day too!

plantsitter · 18/02/2013 23:10

You may think it's a bit gauche to ask for money but lots of people do it these days. That just sounds bitchy, frankly.

Why not pay for the nanny as a wedding present? You know all this bridezilla stuff is just her yelling 'I FUCKING MATTER!' Demonstrate that she matters.

You don't have to babysit for her again if you don't feel like it.

DonderandBlitzen · 18/02/2013 23:11

Obviously her wedding day is special and you want to make it has happy and stress free for her as possible. How about offering to contribute towards the cost of the nanny as your present if the full cost is too much and you aren't keen to leave the wedding early.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 18/02/2013 23:11

I get why you might want to join in and not be the designated babysitter. This is the best compromise.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes · 18/02/2013 23:11

of course its alll about her. its her wedding.

Really!?!? The groom might as well not bother to turn up then seeing as it's nothing to do with him Hmm

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:14

We are broke, DH has just started (today) a new job, it's a nice salary but we has to pay out for expenses and then claim them back so for the next 2-3 months we are broke. I am a student. I get help towards childcare, hence we have a nanny, it's the cheapest option with 4 DC.

She didn't even get me a card when we got married, admittedly it was a small wedding, but still...

I seriously object to spending £100 on anyone who expects me to.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/02/2013 23:15

well it doesn't sound like the groom is sorting it out.

DonderandBlitzen · 18/02/2013 23:15

Offer to go halves?

fryingpantoface · 18/02/2013 23:16

I think i'd either A)Sack off the wedding, or B) cover the £100 nanny costs as my gift to the newly weds.

Probably B

fryingpantoface · 18/02/2013 23:17

Ah, well, with the money sitation, I'd go halves and explain that was the gift. They'd have to pay the other £50

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