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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly sick of my bridezilla sister

115 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:10

She is getting married to her DP in the next couple of months. We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm. Our DDs were meant to be bridesmaids so I assume they now won't be.

I offered for us to ask if our (new) nanny could care for her DSs overnight on her wedding night meaning that we could stay at the wedding, she said this would be fine. I came back to her with a price and she asked, are you sure YOU want to pay that?

She has spent £1500 on her wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses have cost £15 each second hand. I know the cost isn't really my business, but they are cheap looking and not completely clean.

I said we were happy to help look after DNs during the wedding and reception but didn't feel comfortable sharing care with my estranged parents so either we would have them for the whole thing or a 3rd party, perhaps a friend or relative would need to help with that. Her response was that if there was any arguments between us we would be asked to leave. This would never happen, despite the horrible history between us (emotional abuse from my father, alcoholism and neglect from my mother) I would never cause any unpleasantness at her wedding.

I don't know what to do. She has sent horrible texts this evening accusing me of ruining her wedding, criticising my wedding and calling me all the names under the sun.

WIBU to accept her 'uninvitation' or do I need to be the bigger person and fix this mess, ie put up with this nonsense?

OP posts:

TandB · 19/02/2013 08:28

It doesn't sound like she's been particularly nice to you over the years, but I think in relation to the wedding yabu.

It is her wedding, not yours, and she has asked you to do them a favour by caring for her children so that she can fully enjoy her wedding day without having to leave early. You are either willing to do that, or you aren't. If you aren't, then you can't really offer her the chance to pay for childcare as some sort of substitute.

Your reasons for not wanting to care for the children is that you don't want to leave at 8pm. It is perfectly reasonable for you to prefer to stay for the whole thing, rather than going home early, but you simply need to decide whether YOU enjoying her wedding is more important than doing her this favour so that SHE can fully enjoy her wedding.

Whether or not you think that she could afford to pay for childcare is a different matter - she asked you, you said no. She has, understandably enough, taken this as a personal insult and has decided she no longer wants you at her wedding. You can interpret that as you only being invited to provide childcare, or you could interpret it as her thinking that you don't care enough about her to provide the childcare she has asked for, and therefore not wanting you there.

I think you've got a bit bogged down in the finances of it - it's much simpler than you are making it. She asked you for a favour - you didn't want to do it and came up with alternatives which involved you not doing her any sort of favour. Your offer of paid childcare isn't actually any better for her than an outright "no, I don't want to do that."

whiteflame · 19/02/2013 08:47

There were estranged family members present at my sister's wedding (estranged from each other, not me). It caused her a massive amount of drama and stress, so I can understand why your Dsis has now had enough, even if she has over-reacted.

Perhaps this is her way of simplifying things. If you don't go, she can (in her mind) blame you, and tell herself she tried to be reasonable whilst avoiding all the stress and hassle.

thegreylady · 19/02/2013 08:48

She is your sister and it is her wedding day. She thought she had it sorted-you are the one she trusts with dc so she can relax and enjoy her day. I honestly think you should do what you can to help her despite what you feel. Let your girls be bridesmaids, they will love it. It is a day. Your sister will be your sister for life. Your upbringing sounds awful but it was worse for her. Honestly let it be for one day. Help her out-it doesn't matter if you have to leave early,better than not going to the wedding at all. Be the bigger person in this.

MistyB · 19/02/2013 08:55

You have both grown up in the same house but had very different childhoods. Your relationship with each other and with your parents as adults is hugely affected by this. You will only ever be able to have a vague appreciation of what it felt to be in the other's shoes. You can only guess as to the complex emotions and motivations behind her saying she was too busy to help you when you needed her but expecting you to help her when she needs you.

If you feel you can, take her out for a coffee, tell her you love her and not to let your parents drive a further wedge between you. Tell her you really want to be by her side to help her celebrate her wedding day and will help where it makes sense but don't want full responsibility for both your and her children all day. The babysitter until midnight sounds like a great idea, could you let it and your 'grin and bear it' face, be your present to her? (and have the dresses dry cleaned so your DD's look fabulous!!)

Thingiebob · 19/02/2013 08:58

I would look after the kids tbh. It's one night. Your sister is getting married and it will be nice For your kids to be bridesmaids plus there will be less aggro.

That said, it is pretty unpleasant for her to uninvite you just because you have refused to look after her children.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 19/02/2013 09:21

Here's how she views you: as someone who can cope with LOTS of children and someone you can rely on in a crisis.

In her mind, she asked you to help with her baby and that you would deal with it. In your mind, you thought that it meant actually looking after the baby yourself, so when you found a better solution, she assumed you would deal with it, because after all you sort out most things.

She also is treating this wedding as a big deal whereas you have very different views of a wedding being not so important.

Personally, I think you got your wires crossed. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but rather both made assumptions, and she assumed that you would deal with the childcare even if this meant playing for it, and btw, your nanny charging £90.00 is a bargain

Whocansay · 19/02/2013 09:31

I really can't see this ending well, even if you do everything she wants. She clearly resents you and it sounds as if she'll find some way of excluding you from the proceedings. I'd accept her uninvitation and book a holiday with my family. This is only going to get worse.

RivalSibling · 19/02/2013 10:49

I wouldn't want a stranger looking after my 4 mo and 4yo on such an important occasion.

I think your sister is asking you to look after them because it is the best solution for the children. They are going to need the best possible care.

Its a big ask but why not be the big person here? You won't be missing the wedding itself, and it means your children don't get dumped with the nanny either and will see you being a supportive sister and a good role model.

Crinkle77 · 19/02/2013 11:52

I think you are being a bit mean. Why can't you look after the kids? I can understand that she may be anxious about leaving her kids with a nanny that she does not know

hellsbellsmelons · 19/02/2013 12:18

I agree with 'whocansay'!!
It's not going to end well no matter what you do.
I too would accept the 'uninvite'
In fact, if my sister was texting me and calling me names, I would actually block her number and ignore any future texts.
There is absolutely no need for name calling.
Have a nice day with your family with no worries about upsetting your parents or your sister. Let them get on with it.
You do NOT have to be the bigger person here. I don't agree with that!

lollilou · 19/02/2013 15:49

Do not accept the 'uninvite' please. She will not forgive or forget that you were not at her wedding. She is your sister, find a way through this.

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 16:46

I have no idea what to do. Currently leaving her to stew/calm the hell down for a few days seems wise

OP posts:

MrsSonky · 19/02/2013 17:02

I disagree with those who say 'finances don't come into it'. Is it really fair to ask a guest to look after your children and expect them to leave early in the evening? You are planning a major event, childcare should should figure in the logistics and costings. Not playing on family guilt/favours.

OP had offered to look after the DCs during the ceremony and reception with the proviso of not dealing with her parents. The offer of the nanny was sensible and because of the restrictions laid down by DSis of bedtimes then I think the DSis should have paid.

If it was me I would accept the un-invite and send a card and gift wishing them well.

BiddyPop · 19/02/2013 17:58

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in lots of folk.

I have 1 DSis giving out that STBSisIL didn't invite all DBro's Sis's to her hen night (and then also got antsy that DBro hadn't invited my DH to his stag). Apparently another DSis is at idem with her in relation to the hen (weekend away). I couldn't care less about either. (And 1 of the DSis's grumbling is the one who never bothered her ass to organise a hen night for me - and all I even wanted was a pizza and glass of wine with a handful of friends as it was a family only wedding).

I also have a DSis (one of those above) who is giving me advice about making sure that DM and another DSis don't start to assume that the childcare arrangements I am putting in place for my DC can get hijaked by that DSis for her DCs. My attitude is that I am paying (a LOT) for those arrangements, which are not entirely about childcare but there is an element of care involved too - and there is no capacity for additional caring as my DC will be going to her room in the hotel (not close to home) for sleeping so care cannot be offered to others in that context.

DM is causing dramas all over the joint. Which, given her narc tendencies, are even harder to bear than usual. I am trying to make allowances that she may be grieving (although if it's grief that makes you talk about your siblings that way and wanting to be shot of them, it's a very strange type of grief) - but I am genuinely trying to make those allowances. But I am coming VERY close to actually shouting at her.

For what it's costing us as a nuclear family to attend this wedding, we could easily have gone on quite a luxury long weekend abroad. (Just accomodation costs - no food, clothes, present or other activities over the weekend etc).

And I am just dreading what my DM's reaction will be when she realises we are not staying on the night after the wedding itself (I actually have to be back for work - but apparently my life doesn't count in her book).

Sorrry about that rant, it was slightly cathartic - I hope you get sorted OP.

Pigsmummy · 19/02/2013 18:11

Did you initially to agree to look after her children for the wedding? Also could you fund the cost of the nanny?

FlouncingMintyy · 19/02/2013 18:13

I read this last week and I am genuinely astonished at the number of people who think op should look after her sister's children for her. I think it is a really REALLY big ask. They are the sister's children - why can't she arrange their childcare?

FlouncingMintyy · 19/02/2013 18:13

Last night, not last week.

Pigsmummy · 19/02/2013 18:20

Did you ever agree to look after the children?

HollyHopDrive · 19/02/2013 18:23

I agree mintyy, great that you've agreed to watch her kids all day but as a guest and sister you should be able to enjoy the evening, not be sent away at 8pm to put her kids to bed. They are her kids and her responsibility for arranging childcare, she was NBU for asking you and you were NBU to say no but her attitude afterwards just stinks.

Let her stew for a few days then maybe call and ask did you really want to uninvite me to your wedding. Let her bring up the childcare arrangement and if she continues to be horrible to you just leave her to it!

Hullygully · 19/02/2013 18:32

I am interested in how exactly it happened.

Your op is unsatisfactory:

We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm.

If you asked not to, had you said before that that you would? I don't understand how the situation arose.

Inertia · 19/02/2013 18:34

Sounds as though when you said you'd do the child care for the reception, she thought you meant for the whole of the reception, so from her POV it looks as though you're backtracking. However, if that's the case, she ought to have been grown up about it and discussed the misunderstanding, rather than name calling and tantrums.

I can see why people have said that it's he wedding, make nice and look after the children and take the moral high ground- but that would really sting given that she refused to help you out while you were in labour. Given that your parents are clearly worse than useless, could it be the case that your sister sees you as an alternative parent figure and relies on you as a stable figure in her life- hence why she's reacted like a bratty teenager?

Original poster

MsIngaFewmarbles · 19/02/2013 18:55

The conversation went (around a week ago)

Inga: so is there anything you need help with for the wedding, I am happy to help look after the boys during the day if you like.

Sis: ok I'll let you know

Inga: cool

Text from sister next day, so we'll collect the boys from you around 11am the next day. Thanks sis xx

I called last night after talking to our nanny to get an idea of cost as an alternative solution and it all blew up. As far as I can see I never agreed to have them. I wouldnt have offered as it's not really feasible.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2013 19:05

Cheeky as fuck.

And she wouldn't help you when you were in labour?

I would happily accept the uninvite tbh.

Snazzynewyear · 19/02/2013 19:10

I also still don't get the bit from the initial post about not wanting your parents to be involved - I did ask but it didn't get covered. Was your sister saying that your parents had to be involved in some way? I know you had said you would only do it if it was just you and your DH handling it.

It is cheeky to jump straight to 'ok we'll collect them the next day'. But then, as was said yesterday in the discussion, there are lots of possible reasons for her sense of entitlement towards you now. Still very tricky to make the call on it, and there is quite a split here between posters saying 'ah, go on, do it' and those saying no you're well out of it.

Littlefish · 19/02/2013 19:12

I think I would contact her and say that I was happy to have her dc overnight but that you will not be leaving the wedding until 10pm so she would need to provide a pushchair so that the youngest could sleep in that to start with. That way, the choice is up to her.

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