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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be utterly sick of my bridezilla sister

115 replies

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 22:10

She is getting married to her DP in the next couple of months. We are currently at a stage where we have been uninvited to the wedding because we have asked not to look after her 4yo and 4mo DSs on the wedding night meaning we would have to leave the wedding at 8pm. Our DDs were meant to be bridesmaids so I assume they now won't be.

I offered for us to ask if our (new) nanny could care for her DSs overnight on her wedding night meaning that we could stay at the wedding, she said this would be fine. I came back to her with a price and she asked, are you sure YOU want to pay that?

She has spent £1500 on her wedding dress, the bridesmaids dresses have cost £15 each second hand. I know the cost isn't really my business, but they are cheap looking and not completely clean.

I said we were happy to help look after DNs during the wedding and reception but didn't feel comfortable sharing care with my estranged parents so either we would have them for the whole thing or a 3rd party, perhaps a friend or relative would need to help with that. Her response was that if there was any arguments between us we would be asked to leave. This would never happen, despite the horrible history between us (emotional abuse from my father, alcoholism and neglect from my mother) I would never cause any unpleasantness at her wedding.

I don't know what to do. She has sent horrible texts this evening accusing me of ruining her wedding, criticising my wedding and calling me all the names under the sun.

WIBU to accept her 'uninvitation' or do I need to be the bigger person and fix this mess, ie put up with this nonsense?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:17

Look, I don't have the funds to pay for a nanny overnight for a social event for my DC let alone my sister's DC. We can only afford a nanny due to my degree funding. It doesn't even cover all the hours I need for lectures.

I'm sorry but if you can afford to spend £10k (guessing but pretty close I think) on a wedding, you can afford £100 for good childcare for your DC for said event, whoever you are.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/02/2013 23:18

just don't go. you obviously hate her. why go to her wedding and get a babysitter yourself to celebrate her wedding till late when you think so little of her.
its not about a competition or tit for tat. just don't go

DonderandBlitzen · 18/02/2013 23:18

Maybe it would be best if you didn't go as it sounds like you really don't like her.

TheLibrarianOok · 18/02/2013 23:18

Too busy to look after your kids while you were in labour? Jeeze what a piece of work! Not wanting to look after her kids on her wedding night pales in comparison.

DonderandBlitzen · 18/02/2013 23:19

crossed posts Branleuse

PaellaUmbrella · 18/02/2013 23:19

Why does looking after her DCs mean you have to leave at 8pm? Can't you look after them at the reception?

I really don't see the issue, sorry. My DD was 18mo when I got married and my family pitched in looking after her. Can't everybody just help out?

NonnoMum · 18/02/2013 23:19

We should show this thread to teenage girls.

It's a classic example of why you should get married BEFORE you have kids.

Not judging on any moral ground, but it saves hassle on logistics/organisation/childcare Grin

TheLibrarianOok · 18/02/2013 23:20

Agree Nonno.

ProphetOfDoom · 18/02/2013 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:23

Nonno, agreed Grin

I love my sister, I just dislike her crap and selfishness sometimes.

We would have to leave as DN2 (4mo) has a routine which must be stuck to, including being in a proper cot by 10pm.

OP posts:
ifancyashandy · 18/02/2013 23:26

I agree with posters who say you shouldn't go as you seem to dislike / resent her.

PaellaUmbrella · 18/02/2013 23:26

Ah in that case, your sister is BU by expecting the baby to stick to a routine. She should let the baby stay up on this occasion and have everybody muck in to help.

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:29

Oh god shmaltzing and snazzy, I'm going to have to be the bigger person (big sister) again aren't I? Fucking hell.

Can I insist that she goes to counselling to after the wedding to deal with all the childhood shit? She's an ostrich and maybe she wouldn't be so selfish and needy if she realised that none of the awful treatment was anything to do with her, and everything to do with our wanker narcissist bully of a father. Maybe if we sort this wedding stuff I could enlist her DP to help?

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffle · 18/02/2013 23:33

If OP didn't like her sister I don't think she would be worrying about the whole situation.
I can see why the sister wants a day that's all about her as lots of people want that when they get married, but if you have children they are ultimately your responsibility, and especially a 4 month old baby (not sure of the age by the time the wedding comes around). Presumably when she picked her wedding date she knew she would have a child of that age.
If it were my sister I would probably mind the kids, maybe the nanny could babysit til midnight or something so it would cost less and allow you to afford that as your gift?
Given the history with your parents, in the kindest possible way, it would give you an excuse to leave early if necessary and you wouldn't be able to get too tipsy - weddings can be emotional days and if everyone is going on about your parents being so proud etc it might be better to have a clear head and not say anything contrversial - in vino veritas and all that, it wouldn't be the time or place.

Snazzynewyear · 18/02/2013 23:33

One night off from the routine won't harm DN2 and she really ought to accept that. So yes she is BU as I said at the start, but then the history creeps in. plantsitter has nailed it; this is all her shouting that she wants to be important, and while irritating and unreasonable, it's kind of understandable in the context of her past.

The decision is really about whether this is the point at which you take a stand, or whether you let this one go as a special occasion and draw the line after that. It's a tricky one.

Would any other family members chip in towards the £100? Your mum or dad?

Snazzynewyear · 18/02/2013 23:37

Off to bed now but hope you can sort it. Maybe as raspberry says there are ways to cut the cost of the nanny. Sure it will be annoying to have to get up after a good night out to (potentially) settle the 4mo at 3am, but it's only a one-off (you will be pulling back from the unreciprocated chuildcare after the wedding, right? Smile)

aldiwhore · 18/02/2013 23:38

I think you're both being U.

That is certainly down to your relationship in general.

I wouldn't think twice about looking after my niece/nephew if my sister was getting married. I also wouldn't leave at 8pm Smile

I totally understand WHY you're being U and if I were you I'd probably send a gift and a card, wish them well but suddenly find yourself too busy to attend.

I really thought I would be saying 'do it for yoursister' but there's a lot more to this obviously.

(I do think you are being U for using her budget in your reasoning... ).

Original poster
MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/02/2013 23:38

Snazzy apart from the last sentence you are spot on.

My parents would never put money towards something I was involved with, even for the benefit of their only (as far as they are concerned) DD.

Raspberry, that is a good idea, a nanny til midnight, will ask ours about it.

Thank you for all your replies, I am off to bed. I will return wil updates if you're interested.

OP posts:
MadonnaKebab · 18/02/2013 23:51

But.....the baby will be only 4 months / 20 weeks old
Surely it's not usual to expect anyone to look after such a small child for , what, 20 hours or something unless forced to by illness etc
Family history etc aside

BOF · 19/02/2013 00:10

Raspberry, that is probably the most practical suggestion, I reckon.

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2013 02:30

So she wouldn't mind your children whilst you were in labour yet expects you to be childcare for a fucking wedding?

I don't buy into all this it's ur day hun.

It is not a free pass to act the twat.

ZenNudist · 19/02/2013 07:04

I'm with you OP. Sounds like people on here are layering their expectations of a good sibling relationship on your bad one. "but she's your sister" is not an excuse to treat you with no respect and no one has any right to expect favours be it childcare or other things without at least being reasonable and pleasant about it.

I'm all for going the extra mile, being the bigger person and giving someone the best wedding day experience you can BUT the stage you're at (uninvited), you may as well cut your losses. It's not as if she made any effort for your wedding. She sounds selfish & short sighted. You're best off out of the wedding.

Sugarice · 19/02/2013 07:40

I would take the uninvited text and leave it at that if I was in your position.

She's rude, supremely entitled and expects you to back down to keep the peace.

Bollocks to that.

GreatUncleEddie · 19/02/2013 07:48

You say you usually work hard at your relationship. So you have to sort this out. Trouble on her wedding day will never really be forgotten or forgiven. Now is not the time to make a stand.

HollyBerryBush · 19/02/2013 07:52

Weddings are all about noise, celebration, hub-bub, laughter, music, a general melee - is it just me that thinks with all this going on, the very idea of a strict routine for a 4mo is going stright out of the window? I also find it peculiar that the parents (bride and groom) would want their kids packled off to bed rather then celebrating with them all day. You just poke them in a pram or old ladies hold them all night and you get them back at the end of the evening Grin

Although I can guess they will be fairly merry by the end of the night and probably not wise to be looking after children even if their own.

But if your sister is going to impose these rules, as peculiar as I find them, am I right in assuming you will all be staying in the same hotel overnight? Is there the scope for a babysitting service at the hotel? Whether all you parents do that by rotation in 1/2 hours slots, or by employing someone?