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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel to feel a bit jealous

88 replies

Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 21:39

When my BF visits his children in ex,s house and spends time with them there, she is there too.

He hates me feeling uncomfortable about it and we always fall out. I trust him but for some irrational reason I feel shut out. Also he thinks I'm not trusting him if I ask him questions about his plans for the day. Am I the only woman who would not like this because he makes me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/02/2013 21:41

They are the parents, you are not, and you are being totally unreasonable.

CloudsAndTrees · 18/02/2013 21:43

I wouldn't like it either, but if this is the arrangement he has with his ex and children, then you have a choice of accepting it graciously or leaving him.

What are you saying to him that causes a falling out over it?

InNeedOfBrandy · 18/02/2013 21:43

I don't think YABU you can't help how you feel. Why does he see them in her house anyway?

I do believe the trick of being a step parent is detachment though OP Grin

Uppermid · 18/02/2013 21:43

If you can't hack it, you need to get out of the relationship now. They are his children, she is their mother, they will always be connected, the children will always come first - at least they should do.

maddening · 18/02/2013 21:43

How old are the dc? Could he not find a neutral place to see the dc?

Why is it at ex's house?

GingersarealwaysToms · 18/02/2013 21:45

Erm, you presumably knew he had children. Would you prefer him to be trailing them around the streets? How old are they? I am always full of admiration for people who can split but be grown up and civil for the sake of the children. They have something you will never be part of. Children will and should always come before adults.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2013 21:45

Is there a reason it has to be there; supervised visits; BF DC or is it a choice?

InNeedOfBrandy · 18/02/2013 21:47

Erm Ginge most NRP don't have access at their exes house though do they? Doesn't mean they would be trailing the streets if not at the exW house does it Confused

Original poster
Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 21:51

He lives quite a long way from them and takes them out for a while but as he stays the whole day he ends up playing with them back there.

He doesn't do this every time just sometimes and I can't deny I don't like it.
He has absolutely no patience with my feelings on the matter, not that I've asked him not to go or anything.

I know I know I'm probably being unfair and can see his side of it just a shame he can't show a bit of understanding to how it feels for me

OP posts:
Flojobunny · 18/02/2013 21:51

I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement and I summise from it that either your BF or his ex are struggling to detach themselves from the relationship. Even with BF DC or supervised visits it seems a bit odd and ott.

mrsbunnylove · 18/02/2013 21:53

oh dear. everyone is right, they'll always be his children and his ex will always be his mother.

but when couples split up, they sometimes carry on having sex for a long time after the break-up.

push for them meeting in a public place.

Flojobunny · 18/02/2013 21:53

How far away? Bout an hour YANBU, 2 hrs or more then YABU, there are only so many places u can take DC all day.

SoleSource · 18/02/2013 21:55

Yanbu but maybe they are genuine friends only. Maybe the arrangements will change but I woudnt feel comfortable either as I have trust issues hence me.being single.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 18/02/2013 21:55

I think the fact he can maintain a good relationship with his ex for the kids sake is great and speaks volumes about him as a person, would you prefer he was insulting her all the time and not seeing the kids much?

You can't go into a relationship and start dictating he changes his contact arrangements, you do have the choice to leave though.

Flojobunny · 18/02/2013 21:56

How long have you been seeing him? All this kids come first thing, is nonsense. Otherwise everyone would be still with their exs and have never fallen out in the first place. DCs need to know boundaries in their parents relationship to help them accept they aren't together.

GingersarealwaysToms · 18/02/2013 21:59

Foremost in my mind is how old the children are, and how many of them there are. If they're young and there's two or three of them and no one (Dad or children) would be enjoying themselves out and about - it's freezing cold at the moment - then I think it's lovely if they can be in their own home and see their Dad.

Just because most don't doesn't make it right. As I say, the more civilised things are, the better for everyone.

Of course if the children are 15 and live in Southern Italy then perhaps I would be worried in OP's position

exoticfruits · 18/02/2013 21:59

Once someone has children they always come first-and so they should.

EuroShopperEnergyDrink · 18/02/2013 22:00

AND THIS IS WHY I WILL NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WITH KIDS*

I am jealous and a horrible person and would always be jealous of the first missus and mummy to his children. But I know I would be like that, and it's unreasonable and not fair and any boyfriend or children- which is why I wouldn't put myself in that situation.

*(unless I had them too. That's different)

Original poster
Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 22:03

Bout an hour and a half. Financially difficult to bring them to his and back again.

As it doesn't happen every week when he does see them he likes to stay a long time. Don't get me wrong I certainly don't agree with men not bothering with their children but while I'm expected to be super understanding I know he would not like it if I was doing the same with my ex, lucky for him he won't be in that position

OP posts:
Flojobunny · 18/02/2013 22:05

How many DC? How old?
Why doesn't he see them every week?

Original poster
Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 22:06

There's 2 children 6 and 10

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 18/02/2013 22:06

How long have they been separated, and how long have you both been together?

Original poster
Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 22:06

Can't make the journey every week for financial reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 22:07

Together 2yrs separated. 3yrs

OP posts:
larks35 · 18/02/2013 22:08

How old are his DC? How long has he been split from his ex? How long have you been together?

I ask all this because I think they are relevent to whether he is BU or not. YANBU to feel how you do, but maybe YABU to expect things to be different.

If DC are still young then travelling to be with their DF wouldn't be possible. If his split from ex is fairly recent then maybe she struggles with the idea of a more structured shared parenting agreement. If you and your DP have only been together for a short time then maybe both he and his ex don't want to confuse the children by introducing someone new to them at this stage.

How would you like things to be? For him not to see his DC? (I'm sure that isn't case) For him to introduce you to them and his ex? For him to have them every other weekend so that you both look after them?

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