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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel to feel a bit jealous

88 replies

Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 21:39

When my BF visits his children in ex,s house and spends time with them there, she is there too.

He hates me feeling uncomfortable about it and we always fall out. I trust him but for some irrational reason I feel shut out. Also he thinks I'm not trusting him if I ask him questions about his plans for the day. Am I the only woman who would not like this because he makes me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable

OP posts:

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 22:11

I have been introduced to his children and they are lovely. Also met ex she seems ok. This is why I can't understand why I feel like this I just feel a bit put out I guess as it will be like a family situation again

OP posts:

larks35 · 18/02/2013 22:16

Sorry Xposted.

Well I would say that it is time that visiting daddy and stelmosfire for a weekend a month or more became a new thing to do. Do you have room for them? Are you up for the role of step-mum? If yes, then definitely suggest this to your DP. At 6 and 10 the children could manage either being picked up or perhaps put on a bus/train one end and collected at the other (my god son has managed this procedure twice a year, on a plane from London to Durban since he was 6).

Talk to your DP, not about jealousy but about him involving you with his family more if you are up for it.

CloudsAndTrees · 18/02/2013 22:20

It doesnt sound like he's doing anything wrong to me. My ex has always spent time in his own children's home, and I'm happily remarried now.

Both me and my ex finished with people in the past because they wouldn't accept that we had a good relationship as parents, and our job as parents was always going to be more important than our roles as GF/BF.

You need to stop pushing your BF on this, because if he's a good dad he will always defend his arrangement to spend time with his children, and you are creating a no win situation for yourself.

Catchingmockingbirds · 18/02/2013 22:40

I can kind of see why you feel like this then, if they've been separated 3 years I think it's about time they maybe discussed him having the children at his rather than her house.

Fightlikeagirl · 18/02/2013 23:37

I can totally understand why you'd be jealous of this, I would think it's a totally natural reaction but if you want to carry on this relationship then you have to try to get over the jealousy. His ex is always going to be part of his life, even if he stops going to hers he will always have contact and some kind of relationship with her as she is the mum of his children.
You need to try to remember that he is with you now not her and for whatever reason, they both realised that they didn't work as a couple and he has moved on, with YOU!
Try to stop yourself before starting arguments over this and just tell yourself over and over that's its you he wants. Otherwise I'm afraid you may push him away if you make it difficult for him to see his childen.
Good luck Op.

Geeklover · 18/02/2013 23:45

My exh is asleep downstairs right now.
He lives 3 hours away and because of current circumstances cannot take the children to his area for a weekend etc so he comes here. We are both still parents and good friends we just don't want to be married anymore.
Op you mentioned it being like a family situation again and actually, here anyway it's not really. I often use the time he's here to catch up with friends or other things and leave him to his time with the children.
I may be seen as odd though as I'm
Good friends with my oldest dc's dad's wife. She was a fantastic support during the break up of my marriage.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 06:50

Thank you all for your comments and support at least I know I'm not totally mad feeling the way I do and my feelings are valid even though I understand the children have to come first.

Sometimes I think he's no real wish to break away properly and give himself the children and me time together because this way he can see what's going on in her life. His family are very involved with her understandable to an extent because of the children but more so. They also tell him about her. I just feel he has 2 separate parts to his life.

If I say this we end up not speaking because he gets mad at me like now.

OP posts:

NewAtThisMalarky · 19/02/2013 07:24

LOLing at 'his ex will always be his mother'.

I agree with most. I have children by an ex, and I spend a wee bit of time there picking up and dropping off kids - sometimes ill stay for half an hour and chat. Ok, it's not the same length of time, but it sounds like he has good reason to be there.

We still speak and get on ok - but there is no way on this earth that anything more will ever happen between us. That ship sailed a long time ago. I think the same is true of most ex-couples even if they do still get on ok.

Be assured that you got a good bloke that still wants to spend time with his kids, and gets on ok with his ex. These are great qualities - ones that you would want in an ex should you find yourself in that position.

WhatsTheBuzz · 19/02/2013 07:32

yanbu to feel jealous.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 07:42

Thank you

BUZZ why do you think that I'm not being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 19/02/2013 08:59

Sometimes I think he's no real wish to break away properly and give himself the children and me time together because this way he can see what's going on in her life.

Why should he want to break away properly? He can probably see that it's beneficial to his children for them to see their parents getting on well together in the same room. Why should he deny his children that security to make you feel better?

His family are very involved with her understandable to an extent because of the children but more so. They also tell him about her. I just feel he has 2 separate parts to his life

What are you expecting him to do? Force his family into not talking to him about his children and their mother? How is he supposed to do that exactly?

It's understandable that he gets angry with you if you keep telling him that you want him to change things that he can't change and that shouldn't have to change anyway.

Lovelygoldboots · 19/02/2013 09:25

I think you are going to tear him in two if you keep going on about how jealous you are. And his kids will come first. Whatever happens in the future you really need to accept that.

RubixCube · 19/02/2013 10:31

I wouldn't like it op but then i wouldn't go with someone in this situation.My dp was was a single parent when i met him he told me he and his kids had nothing to do with his ex wife.Years later when his sons had his graduation,dp didn't invite me but his dad instead.I found out through his sister it was all very hush hush(I heard dps sister talking to his dad about it,she didn't realise i was there) that his ex wife was there too.I told dp what hurt me the most was not that his ex wife was there but that he had lied.So i do honestly know how you feel but be greatful you know now as you have choices.I had 2kids by the time i realised my dp was a liar

RubixCube · 19/02/2013 10:33

So what i'm saying you either stay and put up with it, if you can't then leave

livinginwonderland · 19/02/2013 10:41

You have to either respect it, or leave. You can't change this arrangement when it's for the benefit of the kids. I think it's important that children see mummy and daddy getting along, even if they aren't together anymore.

If you can't hack it, you should say so and leave. Don't get in an argument all the time and make him feel bad when he's just doing his best to see his children. If it makes you feel better, why don't you suggest you go along sometimes, or have the kids over to your BF's for a weekend instead? Not sure if ExW would be comfortable with you being in the picture, but it's worth a try, especially if you're feeling rather left out of everything.

Dahlen · 19/02/2013 10:48

This is one of the reasons that new relationships involving children from a previous relationship tend to fail. A relationship with a right-minded parent is always going to come second to that parent's children.

In a relationship involving two functional adults that doesn't mean that the new partner gets walked all over or is somehow 'lesser' but it does require the new partner to recognise that their wants have to come second to the children's needs.

For the new partner who doesn't have children of their own, this can be very, very difficult. A lot of people - people who are basically nice, think they understand this and are prepared to make the effort - embark on a relationship with the best of intentions but realise they can't make it work because they end up feeling second fiddle even while their rational brain accepts that the children have to come first. Sometimes, this is a sign of something else not being quite right in the relationship, but often it can simply be a case of incompatible lifestyles.

PaellaUmbrella · 19/02/2013 10:52

YANBU to be feeling a bit insecure over it, but really it's nice that he has an amicable relationship with his ex and that they are able to still parent together.

Says a lot about him as a person.

KellyElly · 19/02/2013 11:53

I know where you are coming from however I think you either have to accept it or end the relationship as it will always be there looming over you. Things will become even more complicated if you have children with him as if this arrangement continues I think you'll feel even more resentful then. I personally think when a couple split who have children, then access should be at the NRP's house or a day out etc but situations don't always allow this to happen I guess. My DD's dad takes her over to see her half-sister at her mother's house (his ex of years ago) every other Sunday. I've said to him that I think this is strange and that he should be taking the girls for a day out with him but it's his weekend so up to him (he is also too skint/lazy/unimaginative -choose one - to think of things to do and has someone to cook and look after both his children) Splits with children involved are always very complicated and sometimes there just really isn't an answer. You just have to have a think about what you are prepared to tolerate for the sake of your relationship.

maddening · 19/02/2013 15:54

Can you move closer so that the dc can spend time at your house?

Particularly if you have dc with him then he should be able to have all his dc at home rather than leaving one set of dc to visit another.

BagCat · 19/02/2013 16:05

Agree with PaellaUmbrella. Having a good relationships with the ex for the sake of the kids is a refreshing thing to hear in this day and age of everyone hating each other and kids being emotionally affected.

WaitingForMe · 19/02/2013 18:37

I wouldn't have tolerated it but then I was always very clear about what I was offering and what I expected. Had DH thought me unreasonable I'd have ended it. Not because he'd have been wrong but because he'd have been wrong for me.

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 19:04

I would decide whether you can accept it now-and walk away if you can't. When I was a single parent my DCs came first.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 19:12

Thanks for all your comments and although inside I knew this was something I have to be understanding about it has really helped to hear other people spell it out to me.

I do have children myself but not with him and they are in dependant now so yes our lives are very different in that respect

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 19/02/2013 19:20

I feel really mean-I do know it is hard. It is just that it is unlikely to change, so you need to work out whether you can live with it.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 19:28

Exotic. No you, re not mean. And yes I don need to decide if I can live with it in the short term at least.

I am hoping it will change when he is better off financially and can make the trip there and back to bring them to his or mine. I suppose I would like to get to know them better. As it stands I do go with him when I can

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