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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel to feel a bit jealous

88 replies

Stelmosfire · 18/02/2013 21:39

When my BF visits his children in ex,s house and spends time with them there, she is there too.

He hates me feeling uncomfortable about it and we always fall out. I trust him but for some irrational reason I feel shut out. Also he thinks I'm not trusting him if I ask him questions about his plans for the day. Am I the only woman who would not like this because he makes me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 19/02/2013 19:59

Maybe you are finding a hard situation even harder because you have children f your own, even if they are independent now.

I'm projecting my own experience massively here, but in one situation I know of well where two parents have remained on good terms and have shared time with their children, the new step mother who had her own dc found their relationship much harder to deal with than the new step father who didn't have any children. (Hope that makes sense!)

The step father who had no children was able to just accept that he didn't have experience as a parent so he couldn't really know how his wife and her ex felt as parents. But the step mother had/still has massive difficulty accepting her partners relationship with the mother of his children, I think partly because she didn't have that sort of a relationship with her own ex. She told me that accepting that her partner was doing the best for his children was hard, because it meant acknowledging that her own children weren't getting the best from her and their father. Even though her dc did have contact and a relationship with their dad, it was very much a situation where they would communicate through text and the dc would just be handed over at the door. Seeing her step children have both parents working so well together made her feel jealous on behalf of her own children, and sad that she hadn't managed to give them the same sense of security about their parents.

Just a thought.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 19/02/2013 20:14

As a former step child you sound very selfish, my father often used to spend time with us in the house we lived in with my mum, He did own half of it so why shouldn't he. I am glad my step mum wasn't as selfish as you, it is not about you it is about his kids and it is nice to have memories of us being a family together. My parents got along very well when i was young, they do not now mainly because of the partner my dad has now, it makes family get together's very difficult. You need to try and get on with your partners ex unless you want your BF not to have a good relationship with his children, if this means spending time in their home then you need to get over it.

FlowerTruck · 19/02/2013 20:35

YANBU in the slightest. Can't you go and see the kids with him ? His ex shouldn't mind since they have such a good relationship.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 21:51

CLOUDS you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. I think it is harder to accept because the situation you describe is exactly my situation with my ex. Only contact by txt and its always me. My BF has ago relationship with my kids and is involved with them but it not the case for me with his sadly for various reasons.

So yes I can totally see what your saying and it defiantly strikes a chord with me

OP posts:

gimmecakeandcandy · 19/02/2013 21:58

Yabu and adding stress to your ex and his children - goodiegoodieyumyum post is spot on. Stop adding stress to them.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 19/02/2013 22:07

I don't think I'm adding stress to my BF. He knows I fully expect him to see his children in fact I wouldn't think much of him if he didn't. And I would NEVER ask him not to go to their house. I started this post purely to get opinions on whether my FEELINGS of feeling a bit left out and a bit jealous were a normal reaction.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 19/02/2013 22:45

I don't agree with this comment Ginger "They have something you will never be part of"

Well the op is part of the children's life isn't she? I think this comment implies that there is ''something'' between the ex partners when there clearly isn't romantically. I do think op that you do either except that your man has an ex who he needs to liase with or move on. A bit of growing up is needed here. My new man has an ex who is very much in the picture and I intend to get on with her as much as she will let me for everyones sake.

I once lived in a flatshare and my flatmate and her ex husband's wife were best mates. They all went on holiday together! It really impressed me as to how mature everyone was.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/02/2013 23:05

Your feelings are completely normal, and probably very common.

Hopefully though, thinking about your feelings on this thread will help you identify why you feel the way you do, and I'm glad my post might have helped through striking a chord with you.

You do need to get control of how you feel, because if your feelings are leading to arguments between you and you partner than it is causing stress to both of you.

The sad thing about these situations is that for you to feel better about it, the current arrangement that works for your partner, his ex, and most importantly, his children, will have to change. Even if it only changes in a small way. And sadly, that will be detrimental to the other people involved.

If you don't get control of how you feel and either come to terms with things as they are, or get out of the relationship, the ultimate 'losers' will be children. And in your rational, unfeeling head, I'm sure you know that's wrong.

By insisting that things have to change, you are either setting yourself up for more upset if it doesn't change, or something will have to be taken away from people who like things the way they are. Either way, you will end up hurt, because if your partner stops spending time with his children in their own home, there is every chance he will miss is and will start to resent you for causing that. Or, your step children will resent you for causing them to miss out on time with both their parents together, and that won't work out well for you either.

So as lots of posters have already said, you need to decide if you will be happier coping with things staying the way they are for the next few years, or if you would be happier getting out of the relationship.

exoticfruits · 20/02/2013 07:06

Of course you will be part of their lives- the danger signal is always being kept in a compartment. You just have to take it slowly.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 17:13

I'm not insisting things change but am hoping that over time things will change naturally and the children can come and stay and spend time with myself and BF. I do realize he has to liaise with ex though of many many years but I can't help being a teeny bit jealous over them being in that house together

OP posts:

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/02/2013 17:23

YANBU to feel shut out. If he's playing happy families with his ex HIBU, it depends on his relationship with her.
His DC are his priority and yes, you need to decide if you want to be part of his life with them.
I wouldn't be interested personally.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 17:43

This is what I worry about and what gets into my head, that they are playing happy families. Tbh they are not together in the house every time sometimes she is at work other times he takes DC out. So I guess I just need to chill out over it

OP posts:

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/02/2013 17:47

Ahh, If she is not always there then it's not so bad. He's with his DC and she's out, that's good! Don't worry so much!

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 17:52

This latest time he's been there though I think she was there however he was out part of the day. Hence this post as my green eyed monster reared its ugly head again lol

OP posts:

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/02/2013 17:57

Don't waste your energy feeling jealous. She may be glad he's moved on and he may be pleased he's not with her any more. I wouldn't give it another thought because if it turns out there is something to be jealous about, you wouldn't want anything to do with him anyway would you?

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 18:25

I think yabu.

He's going to see his children and your giving him grief by talking about your own jealously issues.

You need to grow up and either get over it or part company,his relationship with his children has nothing to do with you if he does not wish to involve you then that's his choice

And as to the pp who said go with him, would you be happy to have someone in your house whose sole reason for being there was to check you were not going to have sex with your child's other parent.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 18:48

SOCK
He does want to involve me it's just due to work his, mine and hers its not always possible to work around it.

I do NOT think he's having sex with anyone , least of all her.

But yes I am human and do feel little pangs now and then that they have something together that we can't have, that is all.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/02/2013 19:58

Do you not realise how odd that sounds?

You got involved with a bloke with a history he's always going to have that.he cannot change anything that happened before you

Actually its not odd to feel it a little, but it is to dwell on it let it cause problems and bad feeling and resentment and only you can be in change of how you deal with that.

Pigsmummy · 21/02/2013 20:05

In time, if your relationship strengthens then you can have time with the DC's and be a part of your partners family but until then you have to suck it up and try to let him enjoy his family time. If you still feel left out then have a plan of when you might get to meet the children, even if it is a long way off and rather than give your man earache get together with the girls, have a few drinks and moan about it. He shouldn't have to justify his time with his children or feel guilty about it.

Pigsmummy · 21/02/2013 20:08

Sorry read that you have met the children, so why not plan something fun for the four of you? Also are both children his? You said that they were together 2 years but the children are 6 and 10?

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 20:21

I meant we have been together 2yrs , he has been separated for3yrs. Both DC are his. With the summer coming we should be able to plan some nice days out

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 21/02/2013 20:28

Tbh the biggest issue for me is that he ends up getting angry and not speaking to you when you try to discuss it. At the very least I would expect a "Well I am sorry you feel like that, but I have to spend time there to see the kids. I have no interest in my ex, its just how it has to be until my financial situation improves. I love you"

Not giving you a hard time. It doesnt bode well tbh, how is he when it comes to other issues in your relationship? Is he always right or will he compromise? Whats his temper like?

Bogeyface · 21/02/2013 20:30

I should add that no emotion is U, we cant help how we feel. However I would rather be with a man who would spend time with an ex in order to see his kids than one that would not see the kids because he didnt want to see the ex.

Original poster

Stelmosfire · 21/02/2013 20:39

Hi bogey face

He has said that to me, or actually he tends to get pissed off first and then later will say that and reassure me. I'm quite cynical though and tend to think he reassures me not to makeme feel better but to save himself grief lol.

I like your comment about preferring a man who will see the ex in order to see the kids, it's a good point.

OP posts:

MammaMedusa · 21/02/2013 21:11

My children are six and ten. The thing they want most from any family member - me, DH, grandparents, uncles, aunts - is to have them spend time with them here, in their own house. They love it more than anywhere else. They love having people visit them here.

It is a wonderful, wonderful thing for your DP's children that he can spend time with them in their own home. It is a credit to him and to his ex.

Actually, I am a step-daughter and I still love it when my dad comes to spend time with my and my kids without his second wife. There is nothing wrong with her, it is fine for her to come sometimes, but sometimes I just like it to be me, dad, my kids. I am more relaxed with just him and there are some things he'll do for my kids (like play guitar to them in the bath) which I loved in my own childhood and which his new wife disapproves of.

That said, I don't think it is weird to feel jealous. But as others have said, it is not appropriate to express it because your partner is doing the right thing. You need to decide whether you can be a part of this or not and then you need to decide what it should look like - yes, plan day trips etc, but in addition to what he does currently, not instead of.

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