Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand people announcing that they're 'Getting Engaged'.

330 replies

atthewelles · 18/02/2013 13:12

I mean, either you've agreed between you that you want to get married or you haven't. Tellling everyone that you're 'going to get engaged at Christmas' or that 'we're going to Paris to get engaged' doesn't really make sense. Surely its more exciting to wait until you have the ring and then make a general announcement that you 'are engaged' instead of letting everyone know in advance and then expecting them to get excited and ooh and aah when you appear with a diamond flashing on your finger.

I'm not giving out about it, I just don't understand why people want to take the excitement and surprise out of the occasion like this.

OP posts:
EllieArroway · 18/02/2013 14:30

According to a few threads that I've read on MN, there are people who hold engagement parties - and hand out gift lists for them Hmm

What next..."Our first date" party? "Our first snog" party? Ridiculous.

sooperdooper · 18/02/2013 14:48

I think people who announce they are going to get engaged are probabaly the same ones who only get married because they want to be a 'Princess' for the day on their wedding, it's all about the event, and being the centre of attention not about what getting engaged/married actually means

pingu2209 · 18/02/2013 14:49

I have never understood the statement going to get engaged, you are either engaged to be married, or not at all.

It is very childish.

vladthedisorganised · 18/02/2013 14:58

DH and I are ridiculously unsentimental, so for us the 'engagement' was 'we agree to get married'. There was a ring, which was nice, but there certainly wasn't 'we're planning to get engaged when we go to Koh Samui in March - I've booked a five-star restaurant in the hope that he'll propose during the flypast of 1000 pink geese'.

We also never celebrated our 'anniversary' until we'd been married a year.

My cousin sends her DP an anniversary card and balloon for the day she first met him, the day he first asked her out, their first date and their engagement date.. and they get married next year. She was quite shocked on how vague we were about the date we got engaged.

Still married though Grin. Didn't have a baby shower either FWIW.

Allthingspretty · 18/02/2013 17:01

It reminds me of girls at school telling people they were goung to get engaged blah blah....

BeCool · 18/02/2013 23:38

I've decided tomorrow late morning I will decide to have some lunch.
Grin

SwedishEdith · 18/02/2013 23:51

Oh god, yes, this has always seemed completely bizarre to me. Recently knew of one case where the rest of the bloke's family knew he was going to propose on a particular date - she didn't. Confused. Actually, I don't get proposals either - don't couples discuss minor things like marriage between themselves?

erowid · 18/02/2013 23:56

I've only ever heard the "getting engaged" expression on American tv shows.

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:08

i have always been a bit confused about 'surprise' engagements where one partner is completely shocked at being asked but says yes. surely if you are at the point where you are agreeing to marry you will have discussed it before the point you say yes. if a proposal came as a surprise to me i'd think i wasn't at the point in the relationship where i was ready to agree to marriage. i'd think my partner was at a different place to me and we weren't communicating very well. i'm pretty sure if i was about to become engaged i'd know about it for a good bit beforehand.

RaspberryRuffle · 19/02/2013 00:10

Totally agree with OP and that once you have decided to get married then you are engaged, as in you have agreed in principle to marry each other. Should either party then decide not to go ahead this is 'breaking off the engagement'.
It's a bit ridiculous hearing those 'We're going to get engaged next year'. Also not my cup of tea these days is the proposer (usually the guy) asking the girl's father beforehand, I would have hated if my parents had known before me.

My poor sister was proposed to and his family were downstairs ready to pop the corks and very shocked to see her leg it out of the house! Good thing too though at the time.

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:11

oh xposting with edith. glad i'm not the only one!

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:15

i agree raspberry. i'd be pretty pissed off if someone who wanted to marry me asked my father beforehand. it would show how little they knew me.

my cousin got engaged recently and my mum relayed it to me as "he did it properly, went and asked for her father's permission beforehand. he's a lovely fella"

Hmm really mum? you do realise what you just said dont you? that one human asked another human for permission to do something with a completely separate human as if that separate human had no say in teh matter if 'permission' wasn't granted. i mean would X not have proposed to Y if Z had said no permission granted? it's a really stupid pointless nod to the patriarchy.

Greensleeves · 19/02/2013 00:16

I agree. It is very peculiar. Makes me wonder whether one partner doesn't really want to get married and is playing for time

The "planning to start trying for a baby" is just awful. Overshare.

Booyhoo · 19/02/2013 00:22

"The "planning to start trying for a baby" is just awful. Overshare. "

i agree, unless you are talking to someone you will lean on for support during the whole 'trying' stage then there is no need at all to share this information. it is not worthy of announcement or celebration that you will be shagging for the forseeable. make an announcement when you are pregnant, people will be chuffed for you, but they will be bored stupid of the whole thing by the time you get to that point if you have announced every stage along the way as if you are expecting a round of applause.

Smellslikecatspee · 19/02/2013 01:25

I'm one of those 'engaged' forever couples. . . Sorry

We knew each other before we went on a date, our 2nd date was moving in together.
He proposed spontaneously, no ring/ plan etc.

To me we weren't really really engaged till we told the parents and it had to be face to face, so had to sort out flying home. So we did tell people we were planing to get engaged. . .

We designed my first ring together, but I didn't wear it till after we'd told the parents.

We did plan to marry as soon as we could have the wedding we wanted, but then we had to move and thought why rent so saved saved saved for deposit and then mortgage.

And then we realised that his family weren't coming round (mixed race/religion/nationality). So thought sod them lets do a luxury abroad wedding..

Then fell in love with a house, so meh to wedding, yeahhhh to bigger house.

However us and the house is a bit of a pig in a poke, a total money pit.

And suddenly, it's 18 years later, we're still engaged, still have the intention of marrying, just where the hell has the time gone?

In that time we've dealt with 2 parent deaths and of a sibling, the Iraq war (he served), several career changes, cardiac issues, cancer x 2. Chronic illness, infertility, MCs x too many,family cancer, deaths, illness.

So we are one of them. . .

But after over 18 years together we've got to the point of it ain't broke. . .
To all his DNs we are the go to people, I have been around for all of their lives.

To my family, we'll he's one of us, whether he likes it or not.

He was at my Dads death bed, he was a pallbearer.
He's family (screeched in a Peggy Mitchell voice)

I'm sure we'll get there in the end, I see myself as a 70 year old in a very inappropriate wedding dress. . .

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/02/2013 07:02

Oh dear. We did this. In my defence, it's a religious ceremony and we had to go and grab a couple of witnesses and buy rings to do it. I just went with it because we were planning to get married in DH's church and that's what they do. It didn't seem to confuse anyone massively, to be honest.

I think there is something slightly odd and coy about the idea of pretending there's an element of doubt to it right until the bloke gets down on one knee and the woman says yes, but I think if someone told me they were planning to get engaged, my first assumption would be that for them it had some kind of formal meaning rather than just a verbal agreement.

Aftereightsarenolongermine · 19/02/2013 07:41

I think it can be a cultural thing also. I'm Greek Orthodox & there is a fairly strict protocol which most people follow. You agree to marry, families meet to discuss terms, this is called giving your word or pledge (yes there is a specific word used only in this situation. Then you get engaged at a later date & a priest is present (if the engagement breaks down you need an annulment from the church) you then at a later date have your wedding.

Never known it to be possible to have a wedding if you've not had step 2 or to have step 2 if you haven't had step 1.

Complicated enough for everyone? Grin

At mine & DHs giving our word there were no terms I said I'm marrying him & that's that. Take it or leave it. Both families were quite happy though. & actually that's when the phone calls to families & friends start & congratulations flood in.

BraveLilBear · 19/02/2013 08:06

Wow aftereights that's hardcore!

In defence of ' we're going to start trying for a baby' we had to do this with my parents. I'm 32, have bought a house with DP but knew they'd freak out if we announced I was pregnant, partly because we're not married (or engaged).

As it was, they still panicked a bit (ridiculous) but at least they knew it was coming.

BraveLilBear · 19/02/2013 08:07

Also meant that they couldn't ask ' was it planned?'

We didn't tell anyone else this plan as we knew they'd be really happy for us, without caveat.

Gingerdodger · 19/02/2013 08:25

I knew someone who got engaged. When I asked when they are thinking of having the wedding he replied 'Getting engaged doesn't necessarily mean you are getting married'.

Er well it did in my world!

Bonsoir · 19/02/2013 08:28

Some people have an Engagement Party in order to make it "official".

It's a bit old fashioned, IMO, but marriage is a bit old fashioned.

MrsWinklepicker · 19/02/2013 08:37

Maybe we could do with a third state of affairs: married, engaged or "attached", say....so when you and dp agree to become attached, you're in it for the long haul but no wedding in the offing as yet, it could happen with a nice pair of earrings perhaps...

KlarkyKat · 19/02/2013 08:49

I have never understood this either, that's speaking as someone who's engagement lasted two months though!
Could it be these same people are the ones who have a "Hen Doo". Why is it spelt like this? Does it mean I'm old because I don't understand!? (I didn't have one, therefore I didn't have to spell it) Smile

HecateWhoopass · 19/02/2013 09:00

I don't understand either.

To become engaged is to agree to marry.

So to agree to become engaged at some point in the future is to agree to agree to marry.

And how does it work?

You get down on one knee and say will you agree to agree to marry me? We will be pre-engaged and become engaged next year, at which point I will whisk you away and propose?

Don't get me wrong, I don't care! Agree to agree to agree to agree to agree to marry if you like, I don't give a shit. Grin I just don't understand.

MrsWinklepicker · 19/02/2013 09:13

In fact, further to my previous post, we could formalise every step of the relationship, so you start off as "acquainted", then move on to "mutually attracted" and so on... Fb could have a drop down list for you to select from, with space to store the relevant anniversary.... We'd all know where we are and we'd all have lots of jewellery...