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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unreasonable for my aunt & uncle to be annoyed

63 replies

Jinsei · 16/02/2013 14:49

about me and DH not attending my cousin's wedding?

Cousin is getting married in another European country later this year. We were unable to attend his brother's wedding a few years back due to other commitments here in the UK, but had fully intended to go to this one. However, have now been told that it is a child-free wedding so dd isn't invited.

I could arrange for her to stay with a friend for a couple of days, but I really don't want to spend lots of money on an overseas trip without dd, I'd rather put it towards a family holiday instead. If I'm honest, I don't particularly like the whole child-free wedding thing anyway, but it's their day and I respect their choices. At the same time, I expect them to respect mine.

I don't suppose my cousin is that bothered either way, but my aunt and uncle are apparently "hurt" that we aren't going to make the effort. I'm not BU am I?

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 16/02/2013 14:51

YANBU

HollyBerryBush · 16/02/2013 14:51

No you aren't. If people are going to hop off to far flung places to get married, then they cannot reasonably expect people to go.

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 14:54

They aren't exactly hopping off to far-flung places - they all live there, but we are in the UK. I think aunt and uncle are annoyed as we'd previously indicated that we were planning to be there. Apparently we're being "petty" to change our minds just because dd can't come. Hmm

OP posts:
sue52 · 16/02/2013 14:54

YANBU. It is a lot for your Aunt and Uncle to expect. People should not demand life to revolve aound their wedding.

Yama · 16/02/2013 14:55

YANBU

I would understand their hurt if you could go but didn't if your dd was invited. Rude to not invite your dd. Turn it round and send the message that you are hurt at family not being invited. Your dd is family remember.

Yama · 16/02/2013 14:55

And if they are calling you petty then fuck em'.

eslteacher · 16/02/2013 14:58

YANBU. If there was just one thing requiring you to make a special effort, i.e. EITHER the overseas location OR the child-free element, then I might be a bit more sympathetic to their point of view. But considering both these things put together, I really don't think they can justify being all put out that you're not willing to go to all the organisational effort and expense necessary to attend this wedding.

Anyway, what's it got to do with the aunt and uncle? If the bride and groom understand your position and aren't making a fuss, it's not for the aunt and uncle to take up the cause...

raisah · 16/02/2013 14:59

No you are not being unreasonable. You should tell your aunt & uncle that you are hurt that your dc wasn't invited. These people are quite selfish aren't they? They expect people to leave their kids behind to attend their childs' events & not think that their parents might not want to. If people want child free weddings fine but they shouldn't guilt trip people into going. Say if something happened while you were away? It would take at least a day for you to get back to your dc.

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:00

Well, I'm not really "hurt" that dd isn't invited (though she might be if she knew!). I think child-free weddings are a bit crap, but that's just my opinion - I happen to quite like kids! However, i understand that some people don't want them around, or it may just be a numbers thing, and perhaps there are lots of kids in his fiancee's family. It's fine if they can't extend the invite to dd but I was a bit surprised that they still expected us to go regardless.

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 16/02/2013 15:00

YANBU. If they choose to make it a child-free event, I'm sure you won't be the only ones declining their invitation for that reason. They can't have it all ways. If anything more is said, I would just say what you did in your original post about it being a lot of money to spend, when you can't make a family holiday of it because DD isn't invited.
Have they thought about arranging some childcare so that kids are catered for during the wedding? My sister laid on some nannies and a creche for the day so that little ones could be left for the actual ceremony, and have 'time out' later if needed.

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:03

I don't really know what the bride & groom think tbh, I haven't spoken to them about it. But I can't see it making a huge difference to their big day. I am a bit sad that we won't be there to help them celebrate, but it's just one of those things.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 16/02/2013 15:06

Well, people never think about how much wedding cost guests to attend. Last one we went to in the UK cost the thick end of £1,000. 5 people, hotel, petrol, outfits, present - I just don't bother anymore, or Dh or I go on our own, depending on who is the primary friend. Let alone people who want them mid week and expect guests to lose a day or two days wages to attend on top of everything else.

thebody · 16/02/2013 15:06

No it's an invitation not a royal summons.

If it doesn't suit you ( and it wouldn't me either) don't go.

Who would you rather please, aunt and uncle and cousin or a family holiday with your dd and dh.

It's a no brainer isn't it.

Squitten · 16/02/2013 15:07

Petty?! Because you can't just dump your child and fly off somewhere?!

The way some people think really boggles me sometimes!

ENormaSnob · 16/02/2013 15:07

Yanbu at all.

People can have whatever weddings they want as long as they realise not everyone can/want to attend.

Your aunt and uncle would irritate me with their attitude tbh.

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:08

Haven't heard any talk of nannies or creches etc. But even if that was on offer, I'm not sure I'd want to go - it's still a long way to travel to a family event from which dd would be excluded. Also, I don't really want to tell her that she isn't invited. We have been to adult-only weddings of friends, and she has been ok with that, but I think she would be a bit upset to be left out of a family occasion. I'd rather make up some other reason as to why we're no longer able to go.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 16/02/2013 15:10

It's a family wedding, and assuming all the family are going exactly with whom are you supposed to leave your daughter?

What plant are your aunt and uncle orbiting this week?

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:11

Who would you rather please, aunt and uncle and cousin or a family holiday with your dd and dh.

It's a no brainer isn't it.

Yes, when you put it like that, it is a bit of a no-brainer really. :) Am a bit sad though, as I have been quite close to said aunt and uncle in the past. And my poor parents feel a bit awkward about the whole situation now too. :(

OP posts:
KC225 · 16/02/2013 15:15

YANBU - if people marry abroad (as I did) you have to expect a fair few will not be able to make it or want to travel. I think it's unreasonable of them to a) expect you to do it and b) to give you a guilt trip over it,

Ask your aunt and uncle to cast their minds back to when their children were small - would they have done it .......

lljkk · 16/02/2013 15:18

Is the turn out for cousin's side of the family going to be kind of low and conspicuously absent? Have you given them short notice so they will still pay for your presence (food, accommodation)? Does seem odd that uncle-aunt are so bothered.

How old is your DD, Jinsei?

thebody · 16/02/2013 15:19

Well to be honest they have hurt you, I would be a bit hurt in your shoes.

It's a family wedding and presume dd is family.

If they ask you or say anything then tell them the truth.

Can see its upsetting though.

exoticfruits · 16/02/2013 15:23

I would just tell them that you would have made the effort but you can't justify the expense unless it is a holiday with DD.

DontmindifIdo · 16/02/2013 15:25

YANBU - I would contact the bride and groom, say that you are really sorry to miss their big day but while you would be able to find someone to have your DD for a day in the UK, as it's childfree in another country you don't have anyone who you could leave your DD with for that long.

Is it's the fiance's home country or are they just doing a destination wedding? If purely destination wedding, then I assume they are working on the principle a lot of the people who'd go to a wedding in the UK won't bother and it'll keep costs down (and therefore they probably won't mind at all). If it's the fiance's home country then your cousin might feel a little put out that one side is going to be far more represented than the other, but that's a choice they have made.

Original poster
Jinsei · 16/02/2013 15:26

DD is 7, will be 8 by the time of the wedding. Old enough to be left, but that isn't really the point.

I don't think they will have incurred any costs. Wedding is in the summer, so a few months away yet. We had a "save the date" card ages ago and we did indicate that we were planning to attend, but we only got the formal invitation this week. There had been no mention previously about the child-free thing, and I had told them that dd was really looking forward to visiting the country in question, so they knew we were expecting to bring her. They seem to think we are BU to change our plans just because dd can't now come, but for me, it changes the situation considerably.

I guess my cousin will have fewer family members there than his fiancee but there will be some. And in any case, that's not really my problem...

OP posts:
DIYapprentice · 16/02/2013 15:28

How old is your DD? And how long would you spend in the country? We travelled to the other side of the world for a friend's wedding (best friend, mind you) with our DSs who were still very young. They went to the ceremony but for the dinner we left them with my DSis. Our choice though, as our friend would have been delighted to have us bring them, but it was a 'late into the night' do and I didn't particularly want to be dealing with them, and we also spent 2 weeks there so it was a family holiday as well (given that it takes 1 1/2 days to get there and same again to get back I certainly wasn't going to spend less than 2 weeks there!!!)

I wouldn't necessarily do the same sort of thing if we were only going to be there for a weekend, and certainly not if it meant no other family holiday.

(These are friends who moved their wedding date to make sure we could go - not a single member of my or DH's family would have done that. Travelling to the other side of the world was well worth it for them.)