To think it's unreasonable for my aunt & uncle to be annoyed

[Jinsei]

about me and DH not attending my cousin's wedding?

Cousin is getting married in another European country later this year. We were unable to attend his brother's wedding a few years back due to other commitments here in the UK, but had fully intended to go to this one. However, have now been told that it is a child-free wedding so dd isn't invited.

I could arrange for her to stay with a friend for a couple of days, but I really don't want to spend lots of money on an overseas trip without dd, I'd rather put it towards a family holiday instead. If I'm honest, I don't particularly like the whole child-free wedding thing anyway, but it's their day and I respect their choices. At the same time, I expect them to respect mine.

I don't suppose my cousin is that bothered either way, but my aunt and uncle are apparently "hurt" that we aren't going to make the effort. I'm not BU am I?

[SomethingProfound]

How old is your DD, as I get the impression she is not a babe in arms.
Perhaps you could say to Aunt and Uncle something like this "I'm very sorry we can't come but DD was incredibly hurt at being excluded from a family occasion, and we feel it would just upset her further for us to go with out her"

Personally I don't have a problem with child free weddings but I (for some reason which has no logic behind it) view this as being from the age of seven downwards assuming it is due to possible disruption, if your DD is old enough to be hurt at being excluded then she is old enough to understand how to behave appropriately.

[Jinsei]

It's not a destination wedding. Aunt, uncle, cousins, fiancee and fiancee's family all live there, so nothing unreasonable in them choosing to get married there. And I genuinely would have made the effort to go, if we all could have gone.

Think aunt and uncle are probably hurt because I didn't go to their other son's wedding a few years ago either, but there were unavoidable circumstances at the time which they did know about.

[thebody]

It's their choice op, they have changed the goal posts so its their loss.

[dreamingbohemian]

See, I think it's a bit borderline actually

I think YANBU if you can't afford to go there and/or you don't have any childcare for DD

But you can afford to go and you do have someone to watch DD

You just don't want to go.

I still think that's perfectly fine, and you shouldn't feel too bad about it.

But your question is whether your family are BU to be upset and I think it's normal for people to be a bit upset if they know you can come and just don't want to. Especially as you didn't attend the last one either.

If it were me I would combine the wedding with a family vacation somehow.

[DontmindifIdo]

BTW - if your DD was invited, would you go and make a holiday out of it?

If they really want you there, then your cousin will make a compromise, if that means he says "yes" to your DD being there for the meal etc but not the ceremony (so your DH could stand outside the church with her for the ceremony), or finding you childcare in that country for the day/putting you in touch with other guests with similar aged DCs so you can share childcare costs for the day in the hotel etc. But getting an arse on because you're not able to travel to another coutry without your child for a few days or expecting you to track down childcare in another county isn't reasonable. I swear some people without DCs do think you can just put them in a cupboard for the day...

[Jinsei]

something, she would be 8 at the time of the wedding, and there would be no question of her being disruptive - she is very mature and generally very well-behaved. Ironically, she is incredibly family-oriented and puts a lot of value on being part of a big extended "clan". Which is why I think she would be upset at being left out.

But that's ok, because I'm not going to tell her that bit.

[dreamingbohemian]

x-post

If your DD really would like to see that country then I don't get why you don't make a big family holiday out of it. The wedding is just one day. Make loads of fun plans for all of you and then just sort of do a drive by for the wedding.

I don't think an 8 year old would be 'hurt' not to go, unless you give her the idea that she's being excluded -- you can just explain it's an adult thing and there aren't any children going.

[Floralnomad]

YANBU , I actually don't mind child free weddings / events as its been a very good excuse to not socialise for many years as I don't leave my children anywhere . I certainly wouldn't have left them with someone and left the country .

[Jinsei]

But you can afford to go and you do have someone to watch DD

You just don't want to go.

Well, I guess this is closer to the reality. We could do it if we chose to, but if I'm blunt, I just don't want to spend money on an overseas trip without dd. I work FT, and I want to spend my holidays with her.

I don't really want to start negotiating with cousin either. I don't feel comfortable about it.

[Jinsei]

See, I think dd would be hurt, as she tends to be quite sensitive about stuff like that. And she was looming forward to the wedding. But I'm not going to test this out, as I'm not going to tell her that she isn't invited.

We can't make a big family holiday out of it, as I can't take more than a day or two off work at that time. Basically, we'd just be going for the weekend of the wedding and then flying back afterwards.

[TheFalconsmistress]

YANBU

[dreamingbohemian]

Well to be clear -- I think that's totally fine, you shouldn't have to go on a trip you don't want to go on. I just think you need to be realistic that other people will be disappointed.

My family back home are constantly trying to get us to come visit, I don't want to go because they're lunatics frankly. But I tell them it's the cost and the time (transatlantic trip). If we then go take a long expensive holiday somewhere else, I don't think they'll be unreasonable to be upset, because then they'll know it's just that we didn't want to go.

I think turning the wedding trip into a family holiday is a good way forward actually.

[dreamingbohemian]

sorry I'm a x-posting machine today

[nancerama]

YANBU. We had a child-free wedding. It was a small venue and we simply couldn't have accommodated everyone if children had been added to the mix too. The venue was also on a river bank, so parents of toddlers wouldn't have had a relaxing day!

None of our guests were invited to make up the numbers - they were people who were special to DH and me and we wanted everyone we invited to attend, but if anyone couldn't come for whatever reason, we didn't take it personally.

The only people who I found rude or annoying were those who struggled to grasp the concept of RSVPing at all.

[lljkk]

Hold firm Jinsei, You shouldn't let this bother you any further.

[SomethingProfound]

YANBU to not want to go.

Your cousin and his DF have decided that they don't want children at their wedding, fair enough but by making this decision they run the risk that those who have DC's may choose not to come.

I don't have children, but if I did there is no way I would fork out to go abroad and use my holiday allowance when my child wouldn't be there it would feel like a waste and I would resent it.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

YANBU

Can whichever of your parents is their sibling have a word? Who exactly are they thinking that you can palm your DD off on?

We had this exact issue when my DB got married. Childfree wedding so DS wasn't invited, but they got the hump when we said we wouldn't go. Now bearing in mind that all my family were going to be at the wedding, and MIL was at that time waiting for a knee operation and pretty disabled - where were we supposed to leave him??
DB even e-mailed me a list of nurseries close to the venue - which a) wouldn't have been open, and b) we were hardly going to dump him with a bunch of strangers.

In the end SIL was able to have him for the afternoon and we went just for a bit and then went home - which didn't go down well, but what else did they expect us to do?

[Jinsei]

Thanks lljkk. I know I shouldn't really, but feel a bit :( that this seems to have soured what was always a good relationship with my aunt and uncle. I just assumed that they would understand, I suppose, but obviously they didn't!

[Floralnomad]

They'll get over it ,think no more about it ,its not like you've left it to the last minute to say no .

[Jinsei]

I don't really know if they have thought through what we'd do with dd tbh. They do know that none of my in-laws are in this country, so it's not like we could leave her with DH's family. Having said that, I'm pretty sure my friend would have her if I asked - but they don't necessarily know that!!

[Yama]

I have a 7 year old dd too. I believe she would be hurt at being excluded from a family wedding that I had been invited to. Children have feelings too. She's been to a few weddings and understands their meaning.

[Corygal]

YANBU - please, let the backlash against insanely pricy wedding 'invitations' continue.

Who do you know who isn't sick of it? The inconvenience, the time, and most of all the entire year's family holiday budget sent down the toilet for someone else's celebration meal.

[Jinsei]

It's my mum's side of the family alibaba, and she has spoken to them - that's how I know that they're hurt and that they think we are being petty. My parents can totally see it from our point of view, and understand why we're not going, but I think they feel bad for my aunt and uncle too.

[dreamingbohemian]

Sorry OP but you are never going to get a good response to 'I could come but I don't want to'.

I know you feel like your DD is being excluded but that is obviously not what they intend, child-free weddings are not personally directed at anyone. For all you know it's simply to save lots of money because there's a gazillion children on the other side.

[fedupofnamechanging]

YANBU

While I respect someone's choice to have an adult only wedding, I would expect my choice not to leave my child behind, to also be respected.

I would also not be happy to give up precious holiday time with my dc and like you, would rather have a family holiday.