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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what reasons people give for being willing to accept an organ but not donate

593 replies

crashdoll · 13/02/2013 20:20

What the title says really.

I am happy for all my organs to be donated when I'm gone. I'd also accept an organ transplant if I was in that position. I know there are religious reaons for not donating certain organs but I do wonder how people can rationalise not donating organs if they are willing to accept.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 15/02/2013 10:09

Because, Fairy, I might not have changed your mind.

But you changed mine.

I am impressed that you have now changed your mind.

But what you said about being a rare only in your wlingness to admit you would take but not give stays with me.

I think now that the discrepancy between people who say they are in favour of donation and the numbers registered is not (as I had previously assumed) apathy, or a distaste for being on registers.

But is an expression of the belief that organ donation is great for me if I need organs but only great for other people when it comes to donating.

Like all the people claiming benefits who want benefits stopped for other people.

It's as though I am looking at something I always thought of as unquestionably good and seeing that it is rotten.

I'm genuinely, truly shocked by what I've read on this thread.

MrsBethel · 15/02/2013 10:14

OP: the reason people will accept an organ but choose is because they are selfish. Obv people who can't donate don't get the choice.

The government should legislate as follows:

  1. An opt out system.
  2. When medical need is equal, the determining factor deciding who gets an organ is: top priority for people who have never opted out, everyone else ranked by how long since they were last on the 'opt out' list.
  3. Family may not override the wishes of the deceased.

Treat others how you would wish to be treated. And watch the donation arets soar.

MrsBethel · 15/02/2013 10:16

Correction: (but choose not to donate)

FairyJen · 15/02/2013 10:17

athing that was kind of my original point tho. I gave an honest answer despite being well aware I was opening myself upto a flaming to highlight that there will be many many selfish people with the same view as me. If I was wrong then the register would have a lot more names on it!

I know it's not a nice thought and I know you think it's not a good attitude however this is the reality.

I am incredibly stubborn and in my world and most Definately my house I'm always right! However when faced with reality people feelings do change.

I'm sorry I've shown you an opinion you didn't realise existed however this shouldn't impact on your beliefs and morals. I think calling people scum was a shitty thing to do tbh as you lost the moral high ground. Now you may not be bothered by this but if you truly believed in your cause and your argument you should be as it made my argument look better than yours in comparison and I would've thought that that is not what you wanted to happen

Maryz · 15/02/2013 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyJen · 15/02/2013 10:31

maryz I'm more than happy for posters to be hard on me but when it resorts to petty insults ( not you obviously ) and all kind of intelligent adult conversation goes out te window that's when I start to lose the will! Grin

I have never once been convinced to change my mind by being referred to as scum put it that way

FairyJen · 15/02/2013 10:31

Spectacular bold fail there!

Andro · 15/02/2013 10:37

Maryz - he saw and heard a lot more than he should have done when his birth mother (my Dsil + one of my best friends) was declared brain dead. My DH had to make the final choice and the way it was handled was bad. DS unfortunately overheard my conversation with the coordinator after I made her leave the room DH was in and reminded her that he's just been told that his sister and BIL were BOTH brain dead, was in shock, grieving and didn't need her bullying him (which in my opinion she was at the time). Her response was that her job was to get consent and the decision had to made quickly - this may be the case but there's a way to go about it and her's wasn't it!

Consent was given (it was his sisters wish so there was no doubt as to what the answer would be) but as soon as the paperwork was dealt with, everything moved FAST - which DS also saw. He thinks everything about it was disrespectful to all involved and described the people making arrangements as being like scavengers at a feeding frenzy. It made his feel sick then and he is still angry now.

DH's greatest regret about following his sister's wishes (and his own beliefs) is that in doing so he massively compounded DS's grief.

DomesticCEO · 15/02/2013 17:32

Clouds, I respect your decision to think that as long as, if you ever needed an organ, you would refuse to accept it despite it meaning you would almost certainly die.

If you accepted the organ you would be a monumental hypocrite.

Maryz · 15/02/2013 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andro · 15/02/2013 18:00

Maryz - no, not at the moment. Right now, the fact that the organs saved lives (many lives - his fathers organs were also donated but that's less of an issue than is mothers because he wasn't witness to any of the discussion/his father being wheeled away) makes him feel worse. He basically resents that anyone benefited from is parents dying, it feels like the ultimate betrayal to him.

DH and I have tried to talk to him about it and he is aware that he is probably not being rational, but it's where he is right now and I think we have to respect that. He's obviously not ready to deal with this yet, but at least he's talked to us honestly - even if it did make DH feel terrible at the time.

claudedebussy · 15/02/2013 18:07

andro and verylittlecarrot, you have swayed me. i now don't think an opt out is the way to go.

Maryz · 15/02/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andro · 15/02/2013 18:52

I completely agree Maryz, I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's feeling right now - I just hope that time will help him heal and his usually compassionate nature will come to the fore.

AThingInYourLife · 15/02/2013 18:59

I think even the most compassionate of people might not come back around to the idea of donation after an experience like that, especially at such an impressionable age. :(

Poor kid. His feelings don't sound that irrational.

Somethingtothinkabout · 15/02/2013 21:33

This thread made me think, and then have the discussion with DP.

I'm ok with donating any organ except my heart and my eyes.

DP isn't comfortable with that, but respects my wishes. He doesn't want to donate anything at the moment, but says he may change his mind.

I asked if even though he wasn't willing to donate he'd be happy to take an organ for himself or me and he said yes Sad I've explained how it's a bit hypocritical but he says that if people are willing to donate, that's their choice.

Dothraki · 15/02/2013 23:16

My dd gave her dh a kidney. I think due to the stress at the time i.e. would they both be alright - I completely forgot to tell her - that it was the bravest thing I have ever seen any do. I am so very proud of her. I have carried a card for many years, from when Iwas a teenager and they were originally just for kidneys. I was not able to give blood (can't remember why). I wasn't heavy enough to donate bone marrow - when I was heavy enough I was too old Hmm. If any bits of me are any use I dont care who they go to - but I am fully aware of what a fabulous difference it makes, not just to the indivdual but to the whole of the family.

Flojobunny · 15/02/2013 23:24

Personally I would donate myself, but if it was a close family member I think I would struggle at the thought of them being messed with.

DomesticCEO · 16/02/2013 09:15

Doth that's incredible.

Something, I would lose soooo much respect for my DP if he had that attitude - such unbelievable thoughtlessness and selfishness. Thankfully dh is a fully signed up donor.

Dothraki · 16/02/2013 10:20

Thank you, it was incredible Smile

shabbatheGreek · 16/02/2013 10:35

DS3 carried a Donor card from the age of about 4 - he declared one day that he wanted a 'willy transplant!!' According to him his older brother and his Dad had great big willys but his was only tiny. After much sniggering from all of us he got himself a card from the chemists counter...(would have been about 1984)

He told everybody he had the card and even did a pretend signature on the back of it. He was totally fascinated by the whole organ donor 'programme.'

Sadly in 1992 just before his 8th birthday he was knocked down and killed by a lorry. His injuries were too severe to donate anything except his corneas. I told the nurse to have a look in the back pocket of his jeans for his donor card and she was shocked to find it.

Thanks to my lad two children got the gift of sight. All my family are registered on the list and many of our friends because of Matt.

All I hope is that, wherever he is, he has a donor willy. Organ donation holds no fears or regrets for me personally.

DomesticCEO · 16/02/2013 10:41

What a gorgeous little boy Shabba - so sorry for your loss x

SoleSource · 16/02/2013 10:45

Shabba x

shabbatheGreek · 16/02/2013 10:45

Thank you - we have great memories of him - he was a nutcase!!!

He once said to me (and his speech was not great so I will try to write it like he said it)

'Mam, we dont wive vewy wong do we?' 'Errr no I suppose we dont love.' 'Well I fink we have to gwab evwy day by the balls and shake it!!' Blush
He was obsessed with his 'bits' Smile

greengoose · 16/02/2013 10:47

Shabba... You made me laugh and tear up at the same time, your son sounds amazing, you must be so proud of him.

When my baby girl died, well, just before actually, the staff in NICU at GOSH asked us about organ donation, which we agreed to, although in the end they couldn't use anything from her because of her tumour.
I would never judge anyone saying no in that situation, but we had sat in that place watching kids die or getting sicker while waiting for organs, and knowing another family could have been spared the hell of loosing theor child made the decission for us.

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