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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my maid of honour has not even chosen me as her bridesmaid

96 replies

daisydee43 · 13/02/2013 15:31

I got married 2 yrs ago and was really pleased to choose my friend as my maid of honour but she is getting married this year and I know she has lots more friends and family to choose from but I would have at least expected bridesmaid role. I am very upset and her maid of honour keeps texting me about the hen do and I feel out of joint. I wanted her as my dds godmother but now I think I will choose someone else, petty but that's how I feel

OP posts:

onebridenobump · 13/02/2013 15:35

Right, as someone planning her wedding I am having exactly this problem. YABU

Firstly, I was under the impression that if you were married you couldnt be a bridesmaid?!?!

Secondly, she may have thought that you would be too busy with married life/new baby etc to deal with the stress of being a bridesmaid etc.

I know that was my thought process when choosing mine anyway

It's her choice who she has as her bridesmaids/maid of honour just as it was yours when you chose her. If you're her friend just be happy for her and respect her decision. You don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her if you have time to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2013 15:35

I have been bridesmaid a few times and had two weddings [greedy]. None of my bridesmaids had me as BM and I have none of my 'brides' were my BM. It just happens like that. YABU.

Umlauf · 13/02/2013 15:35

Yanbu to be upset, this happened to me (our weddings were only 4 months apart) and I was devastated and have worked very hard not to let my hurt feelings ruin our friendship. When I looked at it objectively it was a similar situation to you, she has sisters and lots of school friends she felt she had to ask, and although I was really upset she didn't feel she had to or wanted to ask me (and still am I guess) I'm glad I didn't bustup our friendship. You know who won't be godmother to your children!

Ywbu to say something to her though as I expect it was a horrible, tough decision to make for her and she probably didn't choose you as she felt you would understand and be reasonable about it.

I feel for you though, its not nice :-(

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/02/2013 15:36

YABU!! It's not tit for tat is it!

Justforlaughs · 13/02/2013 15:36

I can understand that but you also have to understand that some lucky people are invited to be bridesmaids by lots of people. My own sister has been bridesmaid about 12 times. When she got married she couldn't have had everyone in return. If you feel that you don't want to have her as godmother to your dds then that is your decision, but just because she hasn't chosen you as her bridesmaid doesn't mean she would be a bad choice.

StuntGirl · 13/02/2013 15:38

Wasn't aware the rule was they had to choose you back. Seems quite primary school-ish. I'm sorry you're upset but she can choose whoever she likes.

VinegarTits · 13/02/2013 15:40

petty you say? yep

and immature

Pagwatch · 13/02/2013 15:43

I am sorry as I know thesis irrelevant but I don't really understand anyone wanting to be a bridesmaid.
I would rather wear what I want and enjoy the day without any responsibilities and avoiding the inevitability of looking shit in the wedding photos because adult bridesmaid always look ropey when forced to pose with a peachy faced 5 year old.

VoiceofUnreason · 13/02/2013 15:44

YABU. I can understand a slight disappointment, but it would be really petty and childish to decide not to have her as a godparent over this. In future, should anyone ask you to do anything for them, please ask them to sign a written contract of what you expect them to do for you as payback in due course.

usualsuspect · 13/02/2013 15:46

YABU.

I don't know what else to say.

discotequewreck · 13/02/2013 15:46

Well i'm not sure it is unreasonable. My chief bridesmaid was very involved in my wedding and when it came to her wedding shortly after, not only was I excluded as bridesmaid, I was left out of the initial hen night emails.

I was younger then, maybe I would rise above it more now, but I was deeply hurt. They were feelings, I am human.

Groovee · 13/02/2013 15:48

I wasn't chosen as a bridesmaid by my chief bridesmaid but she is still my daughter's godmother and she had her goddaughter instead.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 13/02/2013 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickydoo · 13/02/2013 15:49

Don't worry about it, my Bridesmaid didn't even invite me to her wedding!
I don't see her anymore.

CasperGutman · 13/02/2013 15:50

YABU. Ask someone to be your bridesmaid because you want their help and support on your wedding day, not in expectation that you'll get a day of dressing up out of it. Say if your friend's budget only stretches to so many bridesmaids, should she not ask her unmarried younger relatives because she "has to" ask everyone she's been a bridesmaid for?

I'm going to my best man's wedding next week. I'm not his best man, but I'm fine with that. There'll be 4 people there who he's been best man for, and he could hardly ask us all!

LeChatRouge · 13/02/2013 15:51

Oh no, horrid isn't it. The underlying problem here is that this makes it clear that you are not as important to her as she is to you and that does make you feel crappy. You want her to feel the same about you as you feel about her, to value you the same. But, she has chosen other people first.

I feel for you. She probably does feel a bit guilty and not surer how to broach it. I think you will feel better over time, think about if you see her in your life for the long term and that might help your decision about the god parent.

specialsubject · 13/02/2013 15:51

waah!! not invited to dress up!! Waah!

YABU.

MolotovCocktail · 13/02/2013 15:51

I think you've had some very harsh replies, OP. I would expect to feel upset in your situation; it feels like you have held her in very high regard and now she is demonstrating that the feeling might not be reciprocated. Hurtful. Might not be intentional, but very hurtful.

However, judging from what has been said upthread, it might be that you're not 'even' bridesmaid due to some of the mentioned reasons. Try not to act whilst you're upset. Maybe ask her why she made the choice she did at an appropriate time (i.e. Not at the Hen do, wedding, etc).

QuietNinjaTardis · 13/02/2013 15:53

I was bridesmaid for one of my closest friends. When it came to my wedding I lived 180. Miles away so didn't have her as bm cos she was too far away, I picked a close friend who lives where I live. In turn when she got married it was abroad and she didn't ask me to a bridesmaid either. Meh. We are all grown ups who are entitled to have who we wish. No one has expressed any upset over it at all.

MaxPepsi · 13/02/2013 15:54

YABU

I have been a bridesmaid many times. Think 27 dresses but thankfully not as many as that.

Not one of those friends was my bridesmaid/maid of honour. In fact one of them wasn't even invited to any of my wedding, and some of them only got evening invites.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 13/02/2013 15:55

*Well i'm not sure it is unreasonable. My chief bridesmaid was very involved in my wedding and when it came to her wedding shortly after, not only was I excluded as bridesmaid, I was left out of the initial hen night emails.

I was younger then, maybe I would rise above it more now, but I was deeply hurt. They were feelings, I am human.*

Yes this is bizarre and bad - very strange not to be included in the hen night plans!!

OP is the maid of honour a family member?

She may well be assuming that you've moved on from the...well, bridesmaid 'stage' and it would be more of a hassel to you than anything else.

I can see why you're hurt. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a little...well vulnerable and slightly sad about it.

Not sure about the godparent thing - I wouldn't do it tit for tat's sake but you might want to consider whether she is definitely someone who will be there for your child 'going forward' or more of a person you were friends with for a particular period that may well change over time...

TimothyClaypoleLover · 13/02/2013 15:56

YABU. Don't know why you are expecting such a role at someone else's wedding. If you are meant to be her friend you should just be happy for her and enjoy her day with her. People get so entitled over weddings. And not letting her being godmother over it is just petty.

discotequewreck · 13/02/2013 15:59

Depends on the situation though MaxPepsi.

I can uderstand why some people get hurt over this.

AThingInYourLife · 13/02/2013 16:01

YANBU and don't let the bitchy cuntiness of AIBU tell you you aren't allowed to have feelings.

Her choice is her choice.

But it tells you something about how she views your friendship and that your regard her is not reciprocal.

If that makes her seem like a bad choice for godmother, that is entirely your choice.

You don't owe her godmother any more than she owes you bridesmaid.

It is foolish to live life ignoring your feelings.

NopeStillNothing · 13/02/2013 16:04

I don't think it's a simple yabu/yanbu to be honest. Ofcourse you don't select bridesmaids on the condition that they select you back, but it depends on the relationship you have with your friend and the type of wedding she's having as to whether yabu or not to be disappointed.
Either way it shouldn't really effect your decision in regards to the Godparents

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