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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my maid of honour has not even chosen me as her bridesmaid

96 replies

daisydee43 · 13/02/2013 15:31

I got married 2 yrs ago and was really pleased to choose my friend as my maid of honour but she is getting married this year and I know she has lots more friends and family to choose from but I would have at least expected bridesmaid role. I am very upset and her maid of honour keeps texting me about the hen do and I feel out of joint. I wanted her as my dds godmother but now I think I will choose someone else, petty but that's how I feel

OP posts:

Sugarice · 13/02/2013 17:16

X post!

FunnysInLaJardin · 13/02/2013 17:18

you can't be a bridesmaid if you're married. BTW I didn't have my friend as my MOH when I had been her BM. She mostly likely HATED me forrit

whyno · 13/02/2013 17:20

YANBU to feel a bit hurt, I would too. I'm quite surprised people think that's strange. You do have to get over it though as weddings are just like that.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/02/2013 17:21

I hate being a bridesmaid. I don't like people looking at me, Personally I would be thrilled to be excluded.

ComposHat · 13/02/2013 17:31

I can understand being a bit miffed, but being a bridesmaid always looks like a shite gig. Be thankful that you've dodged that bullet and not had to dress up in some horrorshow frock that she's picked out.

LegoAcupuncture · 13/02/2013 17:39

YANBU to feel upset, and I can see why as well. If she was not wanting to have you as a bridesmaid she should have at least had the common courtesy to tell you so.

Feel for you, have been in a similar situation with a friend.

If it is really acting you,my ok would mention it to her, not in a demanding way, but in a "Maybe I misunderstood out friendship" sort of way.

Jojobump1986 · 13/02/2013 17:42

It is hurtful when it seems like someone who is important to you makes you feel that they don't think you're important to them. My MOH & DH's best man got married a few years after us & neither of us was asked to be involved at all. At my brother's wedding my little sister & 2 nieces were all bridesmaids & DH was an usher. I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid because I 'had a 1yo to look after' & DH didn't?! & because I was married. I'd have loved to have someone who'd recently got married as a bridesmaid for me - they could've been really helpful. Instead of being a bridesmaid I was 'asked' to sort out the party bags for all the children because, apparently, spending months agonising over what a dozen children I've never met would find entertaining enough to keep them quiet & spending money I can't afford to is something I'd 'enjoy'. I spent the day before & the morning of the wedding doing all the little jobs that needed sorting, without any of the bridesmaids/ushers helping. I wasn't even in any of the photos taken on the day except for the big family group one where you can just about see me in the sea of 50 odd faces. I got no thanks whatsoever for all the effort I put in making their day special for them except from one mum who appreciated the toys I'd got for her child.

Yes, it's hurtful when people make you feel underappreciated. Being a bridesmaid isn't about dressing up. It's a recognition of the people who are important to you & it hurts to be left out of that.

AlphaAndEcho · 13/02/2013 18:02

YAsoNBU ! I agree with pp who said it shows that you are not as important to her as she is to you . And I wouldn't have her as godmother either .

Sorry if this has been asked but who are her moh/bms ?

AlphaAndEcho · 13/02/2013 18:10

And posters who are saying being a bm is only about dressing up - it is sooo much more than that it's an honour to be asked as a bm (sorry if I've made you feel worse op)

newgirl · 13/02/2013 18:17

Am I alone in thinking having bridesmaids is bonkers? Sure it's nice to have children dressed up, but adults? I didn't have them at all as i have lots of female friends - they are not ranked in order of who is 'best' 'oldest' etc

Mawgatron · 13/02/2013 18:21

This is exactly why I only had one bridesmaid/maid of honour- my only sister. I have far too many lady friends and didn't want to choose between them/leave any of them out so to solve the problem I left them all out. They all understood completely (after a little bit of whining behind my back I'm sure!). I would never expect them to ask me to be their bridesmaid in return, but I understand how you feel.
Luckily, I was the first to get married so I didn't offend anyone too badly...

farmersdaugther · 13/02/2013 18:27

I understand OP. I had my BF as my bridesmaid when I got married, she return the favour when she got married. However I did not participate as a bridesmaid because I was heavily pregnant and she told me she didn't want a pregnant / fat bridesmaid.

I went to the wedding as a guest and had a truly brilliant day. No running around after the bride, no dealing with her mother etc etc. Go, have fun and be thankful that you don't have to 'deal' with all the stuff that comes with being a bridesmaid.

ps) I was going to ask my friend to be my DD godmother, but after being too 'fat' to participate her her special day. We didn't.

MummytoMog · 13/02/2013 18:39

I had four bridesmaids. Three of them are married. I wasn't a bridesmaid. I'm not likely to be my maid of honour's bridesmaid if/when she gets married as the relationship has changed in ten years. I am pissed off about it tbh, as I will now never be a bridesmaid. Which kind of sucks. So YANBU.

M0naLisa · 13/02/2013 18:42

This happened to me :(

My best friend was my Chief Bridesmaid over my sister. We always said she'd be mine and i'd be hers.

I got married in 2006, small wedding 2 bridemaids registry office and sit down hot buffet meal in a pub.

She got married in 2010 and had her 3 sisters as bridemaids, oldest sister been chief bridesmaid.

I was a witness instead. it upset me but at least they asked me to be part of the wedding. Still upset today about it tbh :( I wish id have chosen my sister to be my chief bridesmaid now :(

YouOldSlag · 13/02/2013 18:50

I am completely going against the grain here, but it sounds really childish to me.

I've been married twice and never had bridesmaids. What is the point of choosing dresses and having lots of other people fussing about hair and shoes in your wedding day?

My wedding day was about getting married, not about matching dresses and who was my MOH and my BM etc. None of my friends were offended as they were all treated equally.

The fact that the OP is thinking of NOT choosing her friend as Godmother after this makes me wonder kind of grounds Godmother was chosen on.

I've heard more maturity from my 6 yo's tales from the playground. last week his best friend was only his second best friend, but now last week's second best friend is his fourth best friend.

This is what the OP sounded like to my ears!

OP YABU.

BookFairy · 13/02/2013 19:04

I think YAB a bit U. I was the only bridesmaid for my sister and it was lovely. However, she has decided that she will be my "maid of honour" if/when I get married The bride is probably under pressure from all sides to keep everyone happy. I won't be having any bridesmaids as it seems too much like hard work dealing with the drama!

NopeStillNothing · 13/02/2013 19:21

I've never heard the tradition of only having unmarried bridesmaids!

Two of mine were married mind you I also had 5 bridesmen so am hardly one to be consulted on marriage traditions

What's the deal with the 'matron of honour' then? I thought that was the traditional name for a maid of honour that was married?

YouOldSlag · 13/02/2013 19:23

I won't be having any bridesmaids as it seems too much like hard work dealing with the drama!

in a nutshell!

Pickles101 · 13/02/2013 19:38

YAB massively U. Get over yourself.

Stepawayfromthesweeties · 13/02/2013 19:38

I'm not having any bridesmaids as I want to avoid all this kind of hassle (also not having ushers, best man and still to decide if I actually want a white dress, I think this may just tip my mother over the edge). DH (I call him this even thought were not getting hitched until next year) are more interested in cementing our little family and having the day we want rather than trying to please everyone else. One of my best friends assumed that she would be a bridesmaid and my very blunt DH informed her that we weren't have any so tough luck, oops!!!! I have a massive family (more than 50 cousins) so imagine the nuclear fall out when all the relatives find out we're only having 30 guests . Everyone's different though and I can see why you would be a bit miffed, if she is a really good friend try to not let it ruin what is/was a great friendship

elliejjtiny · 13/02/2013 19:42

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times as a child and loved it but I wouldn't want to do it now. Seems like too much hard work and I hate the idea of someone else telling me what to wear. I didn't ask any of the brides I'd been a bridesmaid for to be my bridesmaids. The first one had died, the 2nd one was my witness and the 3rd one I had her DD as my flower girl. Since I got married 2 of my bridesmaids have got married. I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid either time thank goodness for that but that's fine. I didn't ask them assuming I would be theirs.

aldiwhore · 13/02/2013 19:45

YABU. You are.

My oldest dearest friend was one of my bridesmaids, I didn't have a Maid of Honour but DH's best-almostasister-friend was Mate of Honour.

My oldest friend got married last year. I wasn't a bridesmaid. I wasn't asked. I didn't expect to be. Her two sisters were, and her 2 neices and one of her more up to date best friends... (ie., I don't see her a lot, I love her, but I'm not involved in her day to day life as we live quite far apart).

I was HAPPY for her.

Sorry but I've no time for this whole princess 'you owe me a horrible dress' saga. If she was your true best friend and you knew each other well enough, you'd understand.

You can dictate your own day but you shouldn't think that the 'favour' or honour will be returned. I was honoured to be invited to her wedding.

Sorry. You're allowed to feel a bit miffed, you're allowed to wish she would have asked you, you're allowed feelings. You're also allowed to be petty and withdraw the title of Godmother from your list of things to honour her with. Sometimes you just have to accept that different people do different things and its not all about you and your feelings. I has a wonderful day at my dearest friends wedding.

angeltulips · 13/02/2013 20:18

Ha ha @ whoever said "well, you know who won't be the godmother to your child!". As if anyone in the history of the world would give an actual flying fuck whether or not they were made godmother to one of their friend's children. I inwardly groan whenever I am asked as it usually just means I have to act as a cash cow for the next 15 years.

OP - understand you are hurt, but please don't be. I had this problem when I got married - one friend basically had a complete strop. Inhave 3 sisters and have been a bridesmaid 11 times (not including my sibs) so something had to give. YABU.

Mia4 · 14/02/2013 20:22

YANBU to be upset, you can't help your emotions.

YWBBU to ruin her celebrations by voicing this opinion at the moment though. I know when i got engaged, one friend who I was bridesmaid for in the past was upset hadn't done everything i could- brought her dirnks, dinner, sent her a letter- to 'soften the blow' of not being a bridesmaid. I'd only been upfront and honest that I would have love to but was on a tight budget and had to have my younger family members so could have few adults. A few hours after she found out, face to face with me at lunch, she rang me up and gave me an ear bashing, making me feel guilty and accusing me of loving her less and not returning the 'favor'.

Truth was and is I closer to my best friends, which she knew before hand anyway.These friends are close to me, they've been there for me. I was surprised she asked me because while we're good friends we aren't really close, often she seems happy to get me off the phone asap when i call her for a chat-and this was prior to the engagement. Also i had to have, for family diplomacy, my two nieces and sister and given the shit my sister had been through having something else to focus on made her very happy.

My friend completely ruined my happy 'i can't believe i'm actually engaged moment', she made it all about her and basically told me she felt i owed her for the dress she brought me, she made it all about her standing up there in the Bridesmaid dresses. She didn't want to support me or be there for me, she just wanted me to buy her a nice dress while my other adult bridesmaids actually want to be there for me as a friend, person and when it comes to getting married.

I haven't and doubt i will ever forgive her for ruining that time for me. I felt sick, ill, like a bad friend and barely slept.

I would never expect my bridesmaids to ask me back, nor do i expect anyone else to. You don't give to receive, you give because you want to share with your nearest and dearest. I know that it hurts sometimes when you aren't nearest and dearest but you have to be a bit practical sometimes-if i had all my close friends I'd have 9 more Bridesmaids.

Apparently being part of the Bridal party wasn't enough for my friend also, I had asked said friend to do a reading for me but this was a 'cop out' because 'she wanted the dress'. Sometimes, sadly, it's all about people wanting to e that center of attention.

I'm not saying you're like that OP, but your last line makes me wonder I have to admit. Like my friend you feel you are owed and seem to want to punish her for not 'paying up'. If she wouldn't make a good GM don't make her one but it is petty as i'm sure others have told you. Your emotions aren't, your last line is.

Lafaminute · 14/02/2013 20:29

I didn't chose anyone for whom I had been bm to be mine - and the friend I did have as my one and only bridesmaid did not ask me to be any part of her wedding party and I didn't even go in the end - only because of babysitting/travel reasons but also because I didn't feel she needed me at her wedding in the way that I needed her! She was a great bm and a good choice but she had different priorities for her wedding and I was not one of them - no bother and no offence to me. I fel that the significant connection had been made - would it be the same then if s'one asked you to be god,other would you feel obliged to ask them back????

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