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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be horrified that my husband has secretly been looking at porn?

39 replies

chainedtothedesk · 11/02/2013 12:34

As title really. Have just discovered on the popular sites visited is a porn site. I thought it must have been a mistake but when I looked at our history log the same porn site comes up a few times over the last 3 weeks (can't go back any further than that).

There are two things that shock me - firstl thaty he is looking at porn online. I had no idea!! I know a lot of men probably do do this but I didn't know HE did. I am shocked and - yes horrified.

Secondly, he has done several times and not even mentioned it. I feel so sad that we have secrets. I thought I knew everything about him. Had I known I would probably have said I didn't like it (which is why he hasn't told me presumably) but I wouldn't have made him stop just because I didn't like it.

I am upset and shocked. I am also angry that he is clearly sneaking around and looking at porn when i'm not around. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ComposHat · 11/02/2013 12:44

Doesn't the silly bugger know how to delete his internet history?

LeaveTheBastid · 11/02/2013 12:46

Well what is he supposed to do? Tell you each time me looks and face you looking disgusted/horrified/being upset? Or not tell you and face the wrath for haing 'secrets'?

How is your relationship otherwise?

wixawoo · 11/02/2013 12:47

lol. just lol.

However.... (trying to be more helpful now...) if it bothers you, you really should mention that you had noticed it in the internet history. And discuss :)

RedHelenB · 11/02/2013 12:48

You will never know everything about another person so YABU on that score.

aldiwhore · 11/02/2013 12:50

Everyone has secrets, or rather everyone has thoughts they don't wish to share.

I can understand your niave shock.

I'm pretty sure that in the 15 years of my marriage my DH has looked at porn at some point, probably many times. Not only do I think it has had no negative impact on our marriage, or the way he views me, or women in general, I personally think it's helped us sometimes.

I'd rather he didn't tell me everytime he looked at porn. I don't see the attraction, I find it distracting (oh now how did she do THAT! For example) I find it grubby... however, I am not disgusted by it, or by him for viewing it.

StickEmUp · 11/02/2013 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles · 11/02/2013 12:51

compo that is not helpful Grin

op I don't think you are being unreasonable but I think you and I are in the minority. Sad

If I had made such a discovery I would feel betrayed. That is of course aside from the realities of porn debate.

andubelievedthat · 11/02/2013 12:52

Perhaps he did not expect you to sneak around checking log history ? which is equal to> listening at door(s)

sydlexic · 11/02/2013 12:52

YANBU to feel whatever it is you feel. Talk to him about it.

usualsuspect · 11/02/2013 12:55

YANBU to be upset about this.

chickenfactory · 11/02/2013 13:00

My DH just assumes I know he looks at porn, he wouldn't deliberately hide it or not, Internet history gets deleted periodically anyway. If he thought it bothered me he might go out of his way to hide it but it doesn't. Maybe your DH just sees it as normal and assumed you knew?

Theicingontop · 11/02/2013 13:02

Unless it was something really fucked up like bestiality or hardcore pain fetishes, yab a tiny bit u. He's an adult, with internet access and (presumably) a healthy sex drive. Did you never think that porn was a possibility? Not ever?

I get that a lot of men don't (Hmm), but many many do. Is it something you've never asked him? Did he lie to you and say he didn't?

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 11/02/2013 13:14

When we first met he had a stash of porn mags. He was 23 and single. It was no big deal. We had a laugh because according to him, he had them because they had some 'really interesting articles' in them....hmmm.... I don't share his interest in porn but it didn't really bother me. When we moved in together the mags got dumped more due to not having so much clutter rather than because of the content. So really I think it is the secrecy that has unnerved me rather than the porn as such.

Our relationship is great. We get on really well and have been together for 13 years. Which I think is why I'm surprised I didn't know about this until now.

I did ask him about it and he (somewhat sheepishly) admitted that he had taken a look. I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I do feel betrayed. I do feel upset and I do feel shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 11/02/2013 13:17

Just also like to add that I wasn't snooping. I did just stumble across the site address in our webhistory looking for one of the sites I'd visited recently. And now our kids(age 5) have started using the laptop isn't it better that it was me that stumbled across this than them??

OP posts:
scaredbutexcited · 11/02/2013 13:22

It's not something that would bother me hugely, as long as nothing disturbing (as others have said).

I think pretty much everyone fantasies and I guess this is just an extension of that?

The fact that it was not hidden suggests he is not trying to hide it from you and I think that's good.

If everything else is good in your relationship I would be ok with it. Perhaps suggest watching a movie together?

MrsMushroom · 11/02/2013 13:23

What is it about porn that you don't like? Is it because of how it is terrible for women in general? And demeans them? Or is it because you are jealous?

Fakebook · 11/02/2013 13:24

How does somebody tell their partner they've just been looking at porn? Is it supposed to be discussed over the dinner table? Whilst making breakfast? During sex?

PleasePudding · 11/02/2013 13:24

Sometimes I look at porn and I don't tell my DH. It doesn't mean I don't love and fancy him totally and I wouldn't deny it if he asked me. I just don't see it as something he needs to know. Blush

I am sure my DH looks at porn too and I'm also fairly sure he has a wank from time to time.

I can see it might be a shock but it really isn't a reflection of his love for you if that's of any comfort?

Weissbier · 11/02/2013 13:25

I don't think there's a man alive who doesn't look at some form of porn OP. If he keeps it private, isn't into really scary stuff and deletes his Internet history I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 11/02/2013 13:25

This will descend into the tried and tested debate about porn - those who insist that every woman's partner does it, and to just accept it and it's part of what was it? oh yes "a healthy sex drive", who think that men who say they don't look at porn online are liars and their partners naive, and those who trust that their partners don't and wouldn't like it if they were the sort of man who did.

YANBU.

usualsuspect · 11/02/2013 13:27

My DP never looks at porn, so theres one man alive who doesn't.

phoenixrose314 · 11/02/2013 13:27

Tell him how you feel, and then let him explain why he feels the need to.

I don't mind my DH looking at porn providing neither I or the children are around at the time. We had a very frank conversation about it when we got together and I said that as long as it didn't affect our sex life, I had no problem with it. About 12 months ago I had to tell him I was unhappy because every time he had a wank, I would not get a second glance. I told him I was annoyed that I'd become second place to porn.

It was good to talk, and he's cut back how often he does it and I'm happy again.

I know it can be an awkward topic but please, please do talk to him. Give it some thought first as to what you want to say.

OrangeLily · 11/02/2013 13:28

I suppose it's the motivation behind your anger that's important.

My DH looks at porn, so do I and sometimes we use different types of porn together. I don't tell him every time I masturbate and don't expect him to tell me either.

However, if you have an ethical viewpoint on porn, that you have in the past discussed with DH then that's different.

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 11/02/2013 13:30

Mrs Mushroom - jealous? Why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous of? that my husband might not find me as attractive as the girls in the pictures? No. I don't think that has come into it. Like I said, he has looked at porn in the past and I didn't mind. It is that he has done this in secret and not told me.

scared - accepting that OH looks at porn is one thing, suggesting we watch a movie together...That is a huge jump isn't it?? I have no interest in watching a porn film. Surely I am not alone in this??

OP posts:
DadOnIce · 11/02/2013 13:30

That's really shocking.

I can't believe that a grown man in the 21st century has no idea how to delete his Internet history and clear his cache and Cookies.

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